Monday, November 08, 2004

I have a website!

We finally have our website up & running for our counseling practice!
You can find us at Check us out & let us know what you think. We're really excited about it and hope it'll bring us some more clients. We've both been feeling bummed about being in the jobs we're at - not that B&N and the coffee shop aren't fine jobs, because they are. We just know that we want to counsel & believe that to be one of our callings in life. God, You've given us these gifts & desires... what now will You do? Bring it on God! (I think another one of my callings is to tour with U2 this coming spring... we'll see what comes of that. Heads up about the best band ever in case you haven't heard yet, they have a new album coming out in a few weeks. I'm very excited & so look forward to seeing them in concert again. I saw them in Seattle & it was one of the best experiences of my life! They've had a ton of articles written about them lately due to their soon to be new album coming out & as Newslady at B&N, I've been eating them up! I will never grow tired of them. I am sad to say I've grown tired of another one of my favorite bands - The Cure. They served a purpose in my life years ago when I was needing that kind of music but I listened to their latest album once & I was done.)
Ok, that's all for now. I don't think anyone reads this anymore anyway but it's good to get back to writing.
Peace out ---

Sunday, October 31, 2004

Rain Clouds

All around me is loss & grief & shattered lives. I am stunned & shocked & muted by it all. It's been a struggle to find words for the past couple months now & that's been hard. Writing is such a passion of mine; it's such an outlet for me. Why has it been such a struggle lately? I feel numb... disconnected from myself. In Kafka's words, I need an axe to cut open the frozen sea within me. In the past, when I've felt distant from myself, I would write or go for a run & I'd feel better. But I haven't been able to do either for some time now & I miss it. I miss filling pages and pages effortlessly. I miss running miles & miles effortlessly. When I can't write & I can't run, I feel like my life is not my own, my time is not my own. And there it is... must it always come back to the "C" word? Control. I have a love/hate relationship with you... I love to feel in control and hate when I don't. With all this pain going on in the lives of friends and family and strangers, I'm reminded of how out of control I really am. Not something I like to think about very often. It scares me to death. And so I grab & grasp, but when I open my fists, there's only air. And yes, let's make a full circle... now it comes back to the "G" word... "I believe, help my disbelief." How am I to trust when He's not safe? What does it mean that He's good? It doesn't feel good. And yet, He has a grip on me and I can't let go. I can't not believe though I've tried. I normally feel lighter & more free after I write. Tonight, my heart feels more heavy.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

I'm back... I hope

It's been two months since I've written. I'm now in the full swing of fall. And with this season comes cooler temperatures, breezy & rainy days, bold-colored leaves littering the base of nearly bare trees, the comfort of hot drinks & warm comforters. Driving to Holland for work I pass fields of pumpkins next to roadside fruit stands selling cider & bushels of apples. Driving home I pass a campground smelling of bonfires.

"These are a few of my fav-or-ite things."

But with this season also brings great loss and sadness for a lot of people. My heart cries with accusations to God of "Why?" & "How could you?" & "Why didn't you protect or heal or raise the dead?" In seasons like this, when there's so much turmoil going on in the hearts and lives of friends and family, I see an image of God restraining himself. Restraining himself when he knows he has to let go and see his children suffer and hurt. Restraining himself while His son is beaten and hung to die on a cross. We are meaning-seeking people. There must be a reason, a purpose. He sees the greater jigsaw puzzle, while we're left with missing pieces. I can't see it right now and I just don't understand. So my heart aches. And God, is both restraining & embracing.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Entering Holy Ground - taking off my shoes

I got a call for my first client yesterday! I am so very excited as this chapter is finally beginning to unfold! There's much for me to do to get ready... The director of Tri-cities Ministries in downtown Grand Haven, is letting us use his office so we have a place to see our clients (Husband got a client last week as well!) What an amazing blessing that is with how it all came together in such good timing. Now I just need to get my paperwork together & find a supervisor! I know it will all come together though & while I'm nervous to get back to counseling after a 10 month break, I'm so excited & feel so thankful to have this opportunity to be in such holy & sacred places with people; to talk about matters of the heart & body & soul & to be a witness to their entering & to their resistance to entering into their hearts & stories deeper. Our goal is to each have 5 clients by the end of 2004... We're on our way.

I'm meeting with an art therapist next week. Another therapist who I've been networking with told me about her. I'd love to have creativity & the process of art be an integral part of the counseling I do & I look forward to meeting & talking with her about how I can do that. I have on my business cards that I do "art therapy workshops". What's that you say? I'm not sure yet. I have some ideas swirling around in my head though & that would be most fun to put something like that together. I should probably try it out on friends & family first... anyone interested?

I'm off for a walk with my dear husband to get some ice cream to celebrate this new beginning!

Monday, August 09, 2004

Another day, another dollar

Very tired tonight... I was in work at 8 a.m. this morning. I actually enjoyed it though. Apart from not being used to getting up at 6:30 a.m. I like the shift. It's nice having a couple hours in the store to catch up on work before the customers arrive. I'm liking it more & more at B&N. My promo has turned out to really be a good thing. It's fun to "own" the newstand & be able to use my creativity in revamping & organizing it. And my managers have told me how pleased they are with my work so that always feels good!
One of the huge benefits of the Lead Newstand Seller position is that I get to take home whatever old magazines I want (after I remove the cover of course). I've been taking all of last month's writer mags & it's been great inspiration reading thru them. I really hope that come this fall, I can get on a writing schedule for myself & get into a writer's group. I want to get serious about my writing & get my stuff out there... even if that means publishing online. I used to think I'd never pursue that b/c it didn't feel as legit but it is legit & it's a good place to start building up a portfolio. I'm also wanting to get serious about advertising for clients this fall. I need to get myself out there & known! I got myself some business cards. And, the director of Tri-cities Ministries here in Grand Haven said he has office space for us to see clients so there's really no excuse now... it's a scary step but I really do want my desires to counsel to outweigh my fears.
It's still early August but I'm getting excited for fall. Fall is my favorite season & I anticipate experiencing a Michigan fall. I'd love to take a drive up north come October. I hear it's gorgeous there that time of year. I just feel nostalgic about the fall season. It's a fresh start. It's a new beginning. It's an adjustment I'm eager for.
I'm feeling better emotionally these days. Not sure why. Some days I wake up feeling blah & other days I don't. I certainly appreciate & enjoy the good days when they come. Alright, I'm gonna sign off & get to bed soon. Gotta wake up at 6:30 again tomorrow. Oh & Bono if you're reading this, call me! We have to catch up! Sweet dreams...

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Certified Happy Person

All that education & I still need more. Is there a course I can take on becoming happy? I'd like to get certified. Wouldn't that be cool at the end of my name: M.A., H.A.P.P.Y
But seriously, I'm so sick of being depressed! I want to be carefree and merry, damn it! My husband told me this morning that he thought I'd be happier now that we moved to Michigan... I thought I'd be happier too. Will I be when I have a counseling job? When I'm more connected into community here? When my writing gets published? Perhaps. I'm sure that will greatly help. But what if this is who I am? What if this is how God created me & it's good! Aggg! There's such an intensity & heaviness about me that I wish I could shed every now & then. I want to be more playful & less controlled - in all aspects of my life. I want to be flippant & lighthearted. Wow, that sounds redemptive. What a meaningful word that is for me: lighthearted. How amazing that would feel! How does one become lighthearted? What will it take for me to get there, no matter how fleeting it may be? There's so much inside of me - such a depth within my heart & soul & body - that feels so heavy & dark. I don't know how to grieve once & for all & let go & move on & Live & Love fully & wholeheartedly. There's so many deep crevices & mysterious labyrinths within me. So much of my past keeps me from moving forward into the kind of freedom I desire. It's been over two years since my dad died & it feels as though he is buried alive within me. And while I long to be experienced by others as being full of life & energetic & lighthearted, in so many ways, these days, I feel like I just go thru the motions. In many ways, I feel buried alive.
No certification? Well, how about a happy pill?

Sunday, August 01, 2004

Summertime Flu

Husband got the dreaded flu Friday night. It made for a very unhappy night & much lack of sleep for both of us. This was the first time I was ever graced with the sounds of my husband's stomach turning inside out & I'm ashamed to say I had to cover my ears. It was a horrible sound & I just couldn't take it. Call me weak, call me a bad wife. I don't know how my mom spent all those years when I was growing up, holding my hair back when I was sick. I wish I could be that nurturing & comforting & hopefully when I have kids it'll be different & I'll be able to do that but Friday night, I just wasn't there. I did, however, go into the bathroom after the puking stopped to make sure my dear husband was ok & to see if I could do anything for him. I do love him afterall, but I admit, there are limits.
Apart from Husband's appendix surgery 2 months after we were married, he just hasn't been sick during the 3 years I've known him. (Believe me, I'm seeing this as a blessing). I don't like when he's sick. I don't like those feelings of helplessness & worthlessness as I'm lying in bed at 1 a.m. & 4 a.m. & 6 a.m. & my husband is making horrible noises in the bathroom. Now I know what he's gone through all those times I've had a migraine & I've had my head in the toilet. Up to this point, Husband has seemingly had an invincible immune system. Perhaps there were little men inside of him warding off germs & viruses with shields & swords. But now that we've moved to Michigan, these little guys are taking too many skinny dips in Lake Michigan, and abandoning their armour on the beach in Husband's time of need.

He woke up feeling better today but then we took a trip to the grocery store & that sent him straight back to bed. However, there's Shark Week Marathon on Discovery channel today so he's not doing too bad.
I've managed to escape the flu so far. We'll see how long that lasts. Hopefully my mom will escape it as well. And again, thank you Mom for all those times when I was sick & you brought me cold washcloths & held my hair back as I puked. I hope one day I can live up to that with my family.

Speaking of illness & healing, please send up some prayers for our friends Mike & Kelly who just moved back to Grand Rapids from Seattle. Mike had his appendix out on Friday. Kelly just started her new position as Resident Director at Calvin College the same day as his surgery so please pray for both of them as they're adjusting to Kelly's new job & living on campus, Mike's pain from his surgery, missing friends back in Seattle, Mike looking for a counseling job, etc. Thanks! And Mike & Kelly, we're so glad you're here & can't wait to hang out with you again. Hope you feel better soon Mike!
Happy Birthday to my brother-in-law. Hope you're having a great day!
I'm gonna head downstairs & watch some Shark Week with my hubby. Hope you all are healthy & enjoying this first of August! Twenty days til my birthday! Woo Hoo!! :)

New blogger

My sister-in-law started a blog! She's such a creative & beautiful writer! Check it out! It's a very enjoyable read.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Fighting with my God Posted by Hello

"There's a hunger in my heart I will never give away" - Joseph Arthur Posted by Hello

I want to be a girl at play!

Here's an inspirational website to look through for all those who want to pursue their dreams (don't worry, it's not a girls only club)

Moving up in the world

I've been promoted! I'm now Lead Newstand Seller at B&N. It's full time, a $1 raise, a good benefits package, & I'll be working less nights/weekends (woo hoo!). B&N has the largest newstand in Holland & 70% of our sales are from the newstand so it's definitely more responsibility. When the district manager comes to the store to "check up on us" he goes straight to the newstand & to the kids section to see how we're doing. So there's some pressure there but it should definitely be a more interesting position than standing behind the customer service booth for 8 hour shifts. I actually feel pretty honored because supposedly there were others that were interested in the position (also from within) but the manager wanted to offer it to me first. It surprises me because I'm the newest one working there but I'm grateful too because we really need good benefits. It's been too long since we've gone to the dentist and Husband was telling me just the other day that his back tooth is hurting & he's known for quite awhile that he needs to get his wisdom teeth out. Plus, there's always the stress of a possible unplanned pregnancy with the kind of crummy benefits we have now that doesn't cover pregnancy, labor/delivery, etc... So all & all, it's a good move for our family. I know that's true & I am excited about the position but I have some concerns too...

What does this mean for my dreams to counsel? Does this mean that needs to be put on hold right now & if that's true, why? I don't understand. I went through all that schooling & more importantly, I have such passion & certainty that I want to be a therapist. It doesn't make sense. I'm feeling the pressure of getting into the counseling field & getting some years of experience under my belt before we have kids. It feels like that keeps getting pushed back & how much more will that be put on hold when we have kids? I want to be at home with our kids but I also want to counsel some evenings or other times when Husband or other family can be at home. I know I'm speaking about unborn children but we definitely hope it's in God's plan for us to have kids in a few years & I know that will drastically change every part of our life. Now seems to be the prime time to get counseling experience only it's not happening.
Today's my day off & I had planned on pursuing some counseling jobs & making some phone call to agencies in the area but now that I'm taking this Lead position at B&N I feel like what's the point? I need to take this job b/c we need the benefits.

Another thing I've been thinking about with this newstand job is the irony of it all. I'm going to be in charge of organizing & displaying the very images of so many of these magazines that I'm so against. (Sorry about the soapbox but here I go...) And it's not just all the varieties of pornography that B&N sells, which I'm certainly intensely against, but it's the majority of all the other magazines with scantily clad women on the covers & throughout the magazines no matter what they're selling. I'm not necessarily upset with those in the marketing departments that are using images of women to sell anything & everything. Ok, well, they do sicken me but the truth is they're in the business of sales & only giving us what we as a society ask for, seek out & encourage by the # of sales we make a day/week/month, etc. That's what saddens me. These airbrushed images is what our culture/society deems is beautiful & sexy & perfection. And I fall into it. I hate what power it has over me & how I feel about myself & my body. I hate how much power it has in my relationships with both men & women. How damaging it is to not only young girls & young boys but all women & men. We're all affected. We're all set up for disappointment & failure & unrealistic expectations because of this system. This is not ok with me! And yet, I'm in charge/responsible for the largest newstand in Holland.

What if, as a company, B&N took a stand against selling pornography in their newstands? They'd never do it, they make too much money off it. The magazines can only be sold if they're still in their wrapper & you'd be surprised (or maybe you wouldn't be) at how many we throw away because they've been removed from wrapper & taken to a secluded spot in the store (too often to the kids section). It makes me sick to think that as a corporation, we'd never stop selling it. How can this be about money when so much of our souls & minds & bodies are at stake? And why stop at pornographic magazines? How about all the romance novels that so many women are addicted to & as such can have so much to do with escapism, fears of intimacy, & unrealistic portrayals of men & women, relationships & sex? And have you checked out some of the bookcovers in the teen section? It's maddening the images young women are called to live up to. And yes, I know that as Christians, we aren't supposed to be affected by these things. We're to be in the world but not of it. But I'm affected just by being in the world. I'm affected by walking down the street, going to the beach, working at B&N, by all the unsolicited, unwelcome, unwanted junk mail in my email inbox, etc., etc., etc. I could go on & on but I won't. This has turned out to be a really long post. Thanks for "listening". I guess I'm just wondering, can one woman, at one newstand in Holland, Michigan ever truly make a difference? It feels like a modern day David & Goliath story.
One last really cool thing... B&N carries the Mars Hill Review in their newstand! How random & how wonderful!! I was so excited to find out it's growing in its circulation! You can check out the website here... ( to read more about it or come on into the store to read the latest issue. I always love to see a familiar face at work! Ok, no more, I have to end this post!!

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Deflated tires & garage sale clothes

I got a letter from Hope College today. It's been over a month since I applied for their Counseling Center therapist position. No matter how much I tried to follow up, I never was able to get very far in standing out from all the other hundreds of applicants. So anyway, the letter said exactly as I expected it to, "thanks for your interest, blah blah blah, we've decided to go with another applicant, blah blah blah". With each rejection & each struggle to get into the counseling field, I feel more & more deflated. Why does it have to be this hard? Why isn't there a place for me when I know I have so much to offer? When will someone give me a chance?
It’s ok at Barnes & Nobles but I’m feeling restless. This can’t be all there is for me. How depressed I would be if I had nothing more to look forward to then this. I feel so discontent, so incomplete, so held back at such a job as this. I have my M.A. in counseling & I’m working at the same job I worked at in Maryland 5 years ago. It doesn’t feel right. I want more. I want to counsel. I have so much more to offer than answering phones & finding books for customers. BN is another safety net for me. Yes, it’s good for me to be making money – even though it is only $6.50/hour. And it’s the best (& only) retail job I’d want to work at. But come on – I have my Masters & I’m working minimum wage! It’s actually not about the money. I’m thankful to be making some $ after a long dry spell of not being able to find any work. It’s more about what this kind of job is doing to my spirit, my creativity & the very livelihood of my heart. It feels like a deadening job to me. I want a job that makes me feel alive & is an outpouring of my creativity. I want to be able to use my gifts & grow & be challenged. I don’t want to just go thru the motions. I want to be in holy & sacred places with people – in their story, in their pain & struggle, in their growth & in their healing. I want to be involved in research & writing. God has created & developed within me gifts & passions & desires. They’re put on hold at BN. I’ve quickly grown bored at BN. But I’m not going to quit. I need a FT job to move into before I leave BN (don’t get nervous, Hubby). I do think it’s important for me to take notice of how I’m feeling though & the effect this job is having on me. I’m not meant to work at BN for the rest of my life. If I enjoyed it, there’d be no reason for me to move on.
Something that both my husband and I struggle with is moving into scary unknown places & it seems to be particularly revealing in the career arenas of our life. We’re not risking much at our present jobs. It’s easy to put our dream jobs on the backburner for something to pursue later. But I don’t want to wait until later (who knows when that will be). I know if a counseling position opened up for Husband he’d jump on it & say goodbye to the Java without a 2nd thought. But it’s just not happening for either of us so far. Do we need more courage, more trust, more leaps of faith, more utter dependence on God, more scary, risky steps into the unknown? Something has to push us out of our comfort zones. This is not the life I want to live. Life is so short & we only get one go at it. I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting time or missing out. I don’t want to be so hidden & unknown & “put on the shelf”.

I feel like those clothes hanging in my closet that I can’t fit into anymore.


A fact of life: people come & go in our lives. But do they ever really leave us? Sure, we may not be in touch for years; we may never see them again, but are they still with us? On our hearts, in our thoughts, locked within our bodies? What will it take to set them free, to set ourselves free? Do certain people stay with us despite an active present relationship because the relationship had no clear-cut ending or a lack of closure? Because it's still left undone despite years of disconnect? If you were given the opportunity to connect with people that are in your life no more, but were once an important part of your life, would you? What would you say that you always wished you could say? What if we could clear up the regrets we have in our life. What if we were blessed by someone in our past giving us their gift of forgiveness? What if we were more free to move into our present relationships with more authenticity and courage and vulnerability because we finally found closure from past relationships & past wounds that hold us back?

Perhaps God puts people on our mind and in our heart for a reason. Why are there people from my past, people I haven't been in touch with for 5 or 10 years, who I can't get out of my mind? And why today & yesterday and this past week have they so consumed my thoughts? I can't know for sure until I move forward and connect with these people. But how scary is that! How vulnerable that makes me feel. I don't know the response I'll get & I can't control that. That's the key word - control. The very thing I so need to let go of in so many aspects of my life.

Do people do this? Do they just call someone from their past out of the blue one day to say I'm sorry or how are you or I don't know why I'm calling but you've been on my mind? And if God has put these people on my mind for a particular reason, why couldn't He have put ME on the minds of these people so THEY would be the ones to make the first step? That would be so much easier! But I'm not necessarily called to what's easy. I need out of my comfort zones. It feels so dangerous but I know it could lead to great healing and freedom.

Thursday, July 08, 2004

The beauty of reality

I found this on a website, written by a Dave Winer. Whoever you are, thank you for your words. I need to read this every day to remind myself...

About beauty in women

I had a flash of insight on a flight from Boston to Seattle last week on American Airlines. I picked up the inflight magazine and leafed through it. It had been a while since I had done that, as its been a while since I watched television. This time I noticed how incredibly polished all the pictures are, how devoid of humanity. In contrast to the pictures you see on weblogs, they are so perfect, but so lifeless. Then I considered the writing. It also is perfectly polished and totally soul-less. Now according to some these are the most beautiful photographs and writing, but to me they are the least beautiful.

I like photos taken by people with weblogs. I like weblog writing, rough and rambly, even angry and reckless. See, I think people expressing themselves honestly is where beauty comes from. We all need love, to be heard, appreciated, admired, cared for, but so few of us accept that we're entitled to it. We see our imperfections and want to erase them. But when I see an imperfection, I see something real, and to me that's beautiful. I'm not just saying that, I didn't feel that way when I was 24, but now that I'm 48, that's what's inside me. I don't love women for the attributes that the inflight magazines idealize, quite the opposite. I find the airbrushed, silicon-corrected bodies to be worse than ugly, they suck life out of all they come in contact with. Beauty is in the reality, in the expression of reality.

I don't really know why some women like to dress up, wear clothes that call attention to themselves, say silly things that I don't understand, spend hours getting ready to go out, cleaning everything and then cleaning again. I like that kind of stuff, but it kind of scares me. In a way I wish women were more like men. But on the other hand, I'm glad that they're not.

But please -- why does it bother so many women that some women like to be feminine, that this way of expressing themselves is threatening to them? They seem to confuse their girlishness with the idealized form of beauty. Hey, the women I love aren't like that. But get this, they aren't men either. They're different. And dammit I'm glad they are because that leaves me room to be who I am, a hairy guy with a big laugh. They can make more money than me, they can be smarter than me, and at the same time they can wear high heels and perfume and go out with their friends, and laugh a lot and watch Legally Blonde and think that's pretty good stuff. I watched The Godfather and felt that way. And we can go see Casablanca together and think that's it's great that there's more than one way to be, and feel safe that it's great to be who we are and nothing more and nothing less.

So many people need to hear this. The inflight magazine view of the world is a lie. Nothing is like that. Don't measure yourself against that. And do what you enjoy, and what you can do, and then and only then will you be beautiful. And don't worry so much about the little things, even the ones that seem really big. The things you think are imperfect are the things that make you so pretty.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

Working girl

Finally! I got a job! I started at Barnes & Noble on Tuesday. So far the people I work with are great & it seems to be a fun place to work. Now that I have a job & am bringing in some income Husband and I can dream about the kind of counseling business we want & begin plugging away at making that a reality. Today we registered our counseling business name -- Sacred Space Counseling -- along with Husband's photography business -- Broken Glory Pictures. Now we're legit. That was easy. Now the hard part -- getting the word out that we're counselors & getting some clients...

We are celebrating our anniversary on Saturday. Not sure what we're doing... Husband has planned a surprise for me. I'm so blessed to have him as my hubby! I look forward to spending Saturday with him. I'm doing better about the whole no-longer-a-bride blues. I think it had to do more with feeling like I didn't have much going on in my life... didn't have a job, missing friends that are far away & not feeling as connected to people here as I'd like to. I know it takes time but it's been hard. Getting the BN job lifted my spirits greatly.

I'm excited about what God has in store for us. I dream big & have so many passions and desires & directions I want to go in but right now nothing is clear. I feel like time isa-wasting & I want to get this party started but who knows what's around the corner for us.

My nieces & nephew have arrived to do a lemonade stand... It's a hot one today. Summer has arrived. Stop by if you can. My niece makes a mean chocolate chip cookie & the lemonade is freshly squeezed.

Monday, June 28, 2004

Surprised by grief

Last year at this time, it was the day before my wedding & my 8 year old niece & I were scrambling around in the pouring rain getting my nails & hair done for the rehearsal dinner. By this time, my fiance had gone over to the cottage where we were getting married to make sure the tent was up to find there was no tent to be found. When he called the tent company, they said, some guys had arrived to put up the tent but then left because it was raining too hard. Um... that's exactly why we need the tent! But as the rehearsal hour arrived, the tent was up & the rain had stopped. The sun came out & all my girls had arrived from Tennessee, Ohio, Seattle & Maryland and it was so great to see them & have them all with me! (I sure miss you girls!!)
But I'm jumping ahead, it's only noon & right now my niece & I are driving around Holland, in the rain, unable to find the place where I have my nail appointment.
Last night I had a dream about my wedding... or I should say a nightmare. It was my wedding day but my fiance & I had been fighting, I was totally out in the open without any privacy where all the guests could see me (a no-no for the bride. Who wants to be a bride without a grand entrance?) And, I couldn't fit into my dress anymore so I had nothing to wear & none of my girls were around to help me. Plus, all the pictures had already been taken & I wasn't in any of them. I woke up very sad & haven't been able to shake the feeling since.
As I write about my dream I'm realizing what I'm going through. I had no idea I was going to feel like this upon my one year anniversary but I believe I'm grieving. Today, on the eve of my one year anniversary, I am missing my bridal party girls & I'm missing my dad. While I was sad last year that he wasn't alive for my wedding day, I felt really good about all the things I did during the wedding ceremony to remember him. But today...I'm feeling it more today.
Last night I asked my husband if he'd take me to a ball so I could wear a gown again. When he said he didn't know of any I told him he had one day to pull one together on time for the anniversary. Yes, folks, I think what we have here is a grieving bride of yesteryear. It's enough to drive me to chocolate chip cookies & Doritos.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Weighty matters

Well, I'm gonna try this South Beach Diet thing. Anne, a friend of mine from Seattle told me about it like 6 months ago but I wasn't ready then. I tried Atkins but only lasted a couple days b/c I felt so sick. If I can just get thru these first 2 weeks then it'll be a run down the sand dunes from there. I had a good workout at the Y today. It's good to be back doing cardio & weights. Of course, it's not happening fast enough. It took me a year to gain this weight but I want it off overnight! And I'm stuck with this impossible image in my mind of how I want to look that doesn't help anything. why can't I let that image go? To be honest, I'm angry that I even have to do a diet. I hate how much birth control pills messed up my metabolism & completely changed my body. I look at myself in the mirror & don't recognize myself. I hate that I no longer look like the woman i was when my husband and I started dating. I know that's been harder for me to accept than it has been for him & I am grateful for that. I could easily be stuck on a rollercoaster of dieting & exercise for the rest of my life but I don't want to be; I don't want to be consumed with it. there's so much more for me. I can say in my head that I know happiness doesn't come from my pants size. But it takes my heart longer to catch up. I know I am not those magic numbers on the scale that can make or break me. Years ago, when I was a skinny little thing, I was miserable. I was unhappy & emotionally & relationally so unhealthy. it's easy for me to blame it on the weight. it's harder for me to look at other areas of my life that I feel less control over. I had so many hopes in moving to Michigan of finding the perfect counseling job & of instantly making deep connections with people. I came to Michigan with the hopes of re-inventing myself & a big part of that was leaving my body image wars behind. I guess it's gonna take more than 3 months to make peace with my body.

Monday, June 21, 2004

one year

In a week we celebrate our one year anniversary. And when that day arrives, I will insist that we're STILL newlyweds and I am STILL the bride! Although people no longer ask to see my shiny ring, which has been sad for me. Slowly, as time passes, I've been able to let that go & give it up & well, occasionally I'll still wave my left hand like a beauty queen so people can get a good slow-mo look. Once a bride, always a bride, that's my motto. Being a bride is just too hard to let go of... wearing a $1000 dress, getting your hair & make up done for you, being surrounded by loved ones, having your picture taken wherever you turn, all those unopened gifts, your husband-to-be making all kinds of vows & promises to you & looking all ga-ga at you, the anticipation of your honeymoon... it's all so wonderful. It will live on and on through pictures and the wedding video... even though my husband refuses to watch the wedding video with me... sure he won't watch that one but can't get enough of the honeymoon video!
P.S. My husband is making me write that there is no "honeymoon video". Yes dear.

a day of joy

Taking a stroll on the shore of Lake MI as bride & groom Posted by Hello

my wedding day

The best day of my life! Posted by Hello