Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Weighty matters

Well, I'm gonna try this South Beach Diet thing. Anne, a friend of mine from Seattle told me about it like 6 months ago but I wasn't ready then. I tried Atkins but only lasted a couple days b/c I felt so sick. If I can just get thru these first 2 weeks then it'll be a run down the sand dunes from there. I had a good workout at the Y today. It's good to be back doing cardio & weights. Of course, it's not happening fast enough. It took me a year to gain this weight but I want it off overnight! And I'm stuck with this impossible image in my mind of how I want to look that doesn't help anything. why can't I let that image go? To be honest, I'm angry that I even have to do a diet. I hate how much birth control pills messed up my metabolism & completely changed my body. I look at myself in the mirror & don't recognize myself. I hate that I no longer look like the woman i was when my husband and I started dating. I know that's been harder for me to accept than it has been for him & I am grateful for that. I could easily be stuck on a rollercoaster of dieting & exercise for the rest of my life but I don't want to be; I don't want to be consumed with it. there's so much more for me. I can say in my head that I know happiness doesn't come from my pants size. But it takes my heart longer to catch up. I know I am not those magic numbers on the scale that can make or break me. Years ago, when I was a skinny little thing, I was miserable. I was unhappy & emotionally & relationally so unhealthy. it's easy for me to blame it on the weight. it's harder for me to look at other areas of my life that I feel less control over. I had so many hopes in moving to Michigan of finding the perfect counseling job & of instantly making deep connections with people. I came to Michigan with the hopes of re-inventing myself & a big part of that was leaving my body image wars behind. I guess it's gonna take more than 3 months to make peace with my body.


2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey Jenna, you are beautiful, inside and out. You are such a great gift to us Deckerts and while I hear totally what you are saying, it makes me kinda sad.

I remember when I started to have to watch my weight. I blame it all on Rob. When he went to kindergarten I thought I should shed the baby fat so off I went to WW and did shed the pounds -- took about 9 months. Of course it took 9 months plus 5 years to get it on!!

I will always struggle for the "perfect" image and it it so much harder for me since my surgery. I mean, where did those boobs go?????????????? But I don't have cancer and am healthy so who cares. AND this summer I am going to put a bathing suit on no matter what. (I hope!!)

I'll pray for your strength and determination re the diet. South Beach is great for a kick start but I am a Weight Watchers believer because it is more "normal" and easier to handle when you go out. Count the calories, exercise, drink your water and don't eat after 7:00 pm and it'll come off. I promise!!
Now get Rob on it too!!

Later my daughter,
Love
me
(that'll keep them guessing!!)

lisaj said...

Hi Jen,
I have been where you are (still am in my own fashion).
I went on birth control and gained quite a few. Tried Atkins (4 weeks), lost some, went on Anti-D's and lost some more. Stopped the Anti-D's and gained it all back. Working long hours, little time, and no energy to exercise. Joined the Y but have only been once and will be cancelling cuz it's a waste of money when you don't use the membership. Thought I might try running (gasp*, the memories of doing it before make me cringe) and was devastated to find I could only make it to the end of the street. Have a great bike, but alas, too little time I feel. I know they say that if you want something, you make time... but I can't find time! Maybe it's my own issue or maybe I really have little time... Who knows. All I can say is that I feel for you and know the ups and downs of weight issues and how you feel about yourself when you are in them. The other reply to your post was awesome! I beleive that what it really comes down to is feeling good about yourself, regardless of your weight. When you focus too much on something, it becomes your whole world and your complete image of yourself. There is so much more to a person than the outside husk of the human body. We are all spirits experiencing a human life. You must truly believe that to let go of the issues you have with the body. Let go and everything falls into place. I am still not estatic with my own image but remind myself how lucky I am to have so much good in my life and to be healthy. Everything comes down to how you see life. I am always reminded of people who carry extra weight and are happy within themselves. They exude that happiness and they, as well as the world don't judge them on the outside appearance because the inner joy pours out and that is all that is seen.
So- the lesson I see is that it is what is on the inside, not on the outside that determines a life. Jen- you have so much beauty to share... don't let your view of the outer image cloud what is inside you. Peace within is the ultimate prize and it is there for everyone if one just grabs it.
I love you! So much!! Please don't let weight cloud your wonderful life. It is an albatross that only weighs a person down, no pun intended. Go on the diet and I wish you the best, just be sure it isn't your main focus because you will lose the beauty of life that is all around you.
Keep looking to the sky and know that God walks with you every step and he/she is saying "Jenna, you are perfect in my eyes". God lives within you, embrace that voice and learn to love all of you....

That is my post and I am sticking to it:)

Much love to you and Rob...
Lisa