Monday, June 28, 2004

Surprised by grief

Last year at this time, it was the day before my wedding & my 8 year old niece & I were scrambling around in the pouring rain getting my nails & hair done for the rehearsal dinner. By this time, my fiance had gone over to the cottage where we were getting married to make sure the tent was up to find there was no tent to be found. When he called the tent company, they said, some guys had arrived to put up the tent but then left because it was raining too hard. Um... that's exactly why we need the tent! But as the rehearsal hour arrived, the tent was up & the rain had stopped. The sun came out & all my girls had arrived from Tennessee, Ohio, Seattle & Maryland and it was so great to see them & have them all with me! (I sure miss you girls!!)
But I'm jumping ahead, it's only noon & right now my niece & I are driving around Holland, in the rain, unable to find the place where I have my nail appointment.
Last night I had a dream about my wedding... or I should say a nightmare. It was my wedding day but my fiance & I had been fighting, I was totally out in the open without any privacy where all the guests could see me (a no-no for the bride. Who wants to be a bride without a grand entrance?) And, I couldn't fit into my dress anymore so I had nothing to wear & none of my girls were around to help me. Plus, all the pictures had already been taken & I wasn't in any of them. I woke up very sad & haven't been able to shake the feeling since.
As I write about my dream I'm realizing what I'm going through. I had no idea I was going to feel like this upon my one year anniversary but I believe I'm grieving. Today, on the eve of my one year anniversary, I am missing my bridal party girls & I'm missing my dad. While I was sad last year that he wasn't alive for my wedding day, I felt really good about all the things I did during the wedding ceremony to remember him. But today...I'm feeling it more today.
Last night I asked my husband if he'd take me to a ball so I could wear a gown again. When he said he didn't know of any I told him he had one day to pull one together on time for the anniversary. Yes, folks, I think what we have here is a grieving bride of yesteryear. It's enough to drive me to chocolate chip cookies & Doritos.


weniki93 said...

Hey Jen, Weddings are big days in the life of a girl. We imagine them from childhood. Then in one 24 hour period the day, regardless of how magical comes to an end at the stroke of midnight. And we are back in our jeans the next day. Wondering how something so anticipated could be so short. As I get older, I am finding life in general to be just like that. Just yesterday I longed for a baby. Now she's almost 10. You've lost a father. I am seeing that someday I will lose mine. I think there is a real art in loving fully without reservation and lettig go graciously. As everything good will pass through our lives ours to enjoy for a season. I think there is a tendency to want to hold on to the good moments, the good people, but they all are ours for a moment, some moments last longer than others. Hopefully your days with your husband will be long and happy, but they will come to an end someday. If we can't hold on we often want to replace what we've lost. No Ball will ever feel like your wedding, but if Rob ever takes you to a ball, enjoy it for what it is!! No friends will ever replace your grad school friends. You were all in a unique place in life. But new friends will be good, but the friendships will be different. No man will ever replace your father. No woman your mother. But people can be wonderful blessings if they are not expected to fulfill the wrong role in your life. I don't see that in you. But I see your grief, about things from the past that can be no more, and that is evidence of loving fully. Don't discount the blessings that are yours for the taking right now. Develop the art of embracing and releasing fully. And know there are things eternal. The most valuable, that will never end.

Jenna Lynne E. Deckert said...

Thanks, Wen, your words bless me.