Monday, October 31, 2005

Gender Identity Issues

I hate shopping for clothes! Today, I spent the afternoon trying to use up a bunch of gift cards - usually a wonderful thing - however, today it left me depressed & feeling like I must have a very strange-shaped body because nothing fit! Finally, after trying 3 stores & no luck, my mood quickly declining, I stopped in one final store. Walking by the men's section, several items caught my eye & I thought, why can't women's clothes look like that? But I continued on to the women's section & after several trips, back & forth to the dressing room, trying on clothes, requesting different sizes, peeling the clothes off my strange-shaped body & throwing them to the ground, a heap at my feet, feeling more depressed & hopeless, I left the dressing room, again walked thru the men's section & this time stopped & thought, well, why can't I wear men's clothes? I grabbed a few & headed back to the dressing room. The men's pants fit great & most importantly, in men's sizes, I'm considered pretty tiny :) So, as far as pants go, I'm sticking to men's clothes... just call me John.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Day 1

Day one of Operation Lose Weight... I drive to the Y, go to the locker room to change and realize, I forgot my running shoes. I have socks & my sandals. So much for running on the treadmill. Determined to get a workout, I still lift weights, in my socks, and head home to run around my neighborhood. Oh well, at least it was a beautiful day out. Next time, Jenna, remember the shoes! Talk about ambivalence!

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Hollywood here I come!

We starting watching Alias, season one, and aside from loving the show, it had an interesting effect on me... it made me want to lose weight. maybe because jennifer garner is in super shape, maybe because I wish I could do some of the kick-ass moves she does. But really now, when would I ever need to move like that? (It would be fun though) I don't think the CIA will be coming for me anytime soon. Guess I don't fit the right "profile"
So I don't need to look like Jennifer Garner (if I did right now I'd have to look very pregnant)
but I do want to lose some weight and get into better shape. I want to eat better & get into an exercise routine. We're heading into the worst possible season for this - cold weather, Halloween candy, holiday food, etc. But I've done it before, I can do it again. I have free membership at the Y afterall! No excuse!

So, guilty confession of the day... Last week, we got a HUGE bag of Halloween candy from Sam's Club... Halloween is still 6 days away and we've already eaten half the bag. SO NOT GOOD! Hope they'll be some left for the poor trick or treaters!

So anyway, now that I've blogged about it, maybe I'll really get serious about losing weight. I may not be Hollywood material but I sure could use a movie star's salary. Being rich and thin is the key to happiness, right?

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Classic TV

My husband and I haven't had tv since we moved into our house in April. It's so we can save some money and so we won't waste so much time watching tv. But I think I've been missing it lately because at night I lay in bed thinking about my favorite programs I watched as a kid.

Remember these?

The Wonder Years, Growing Pains, Family Ties, Who's The Boss, The Cosby Show, Cheers, Doogie Howser, MD. That was when those shows were on prime time. When I was sick & got to stay home from school, I loved watching I love Lucy, The Love Boat, Bewitched, The Andy Griffith Show, I dream of Jeannie, Leave it to Beaver. And after school I loved watching Knight Rider (what was the name of the talking car?), Magnum PI, My Two Dads, Silver Spoons, The Brady Bunch, Punky Brewster, The Jetsons, Inspector Gadget, My So Called Life, Hey Dude (on Nickelodeon - did anyone else watch that? I LOVED that show - taped every one of them. I must still have them somewhere. My brother & I would watch it together. He loved it too. I think he had a crush on that one girl - tall, brown hair with the tight jeans, Bradley. Well, I had a crush on Ted, who didn't? I cried (literally) when he left the show).

In high school the only soap I watched was General Hospital. I was SO into it. I hated missing it & when I had to, I'd tape it. In the evenings with my parents, we'd watch The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Bob NewHart Show, & Dick Van Dyke Show, The Twilight Zone. My parents loved those shows. I have really good memories of us watching them together. Friday nights, my best friend and I would have sleepovers at each other's house and Saturday mornings we'd watch Garfield & Friends & Saved by the Bell. There must have been other favorites we watched but I can't remember. Ahhh, the good ole days. Yet the cool thing is, most of those shows you can still find today - on TBS & TV Land channels...

Some fun TV memories from my childhood.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Ambivalence (a.k.a Half-Ass Syndrome)

Every single thing about me is half-ass! My writing, my running, my counseling practice, my marriage, my friendships, my relationship with God, etc. etc. etc. I don't like commitment, I don't like putting my whole heart into something... I fear loss, failure, disappointment. I fear truly allowing another (others) to see me & know me. So I keep people at a distance, success at a distance, the chance to really make a difference and impact others at a distance. I keep the life I want to create & the person I want to become at a distance. Yuck! I don't like this about myself. I'm realizing just how much this ugly ambivalence is part of my life and just how long this has been going on. It affects every single part of my life... and probably started when i was in middle school (who knows, maybe I was an ambivalent baby, if that's possible...)

Several ways ambivalence plays out in my life:

1) I don't like to finish books that I start, especially books I love. I hate endings, from finishing books to the loss of relationships. If I quit before the book is over, I still have something to come back to whenever I want.

2) I have never finished a short story I've written. I'm constantly changing and editing until I'm sick to death of it & put it away in a box in my closet and start another writing project. At one time, I always have too many writing projects going at once. And I can never stick to just one of them. Initially I'm really excited about a new idea but when I try to put it down on paper and make it a reality, I lose interest quickly and move on... or stop writing.

3) It takes me forever to wear the new clothes I buy. (This drives Husband crazy!) I don't want to dirty them. I don't want arm pit stains or spaghetti sauce stains that never come out. I don't want to accidently throw them in the dryer and shrink them and then I can no longer wear them. They're safest in the closet; they look the best hanging in my closet with the price tag. (I know, what an awful waste of money this is! I do eventually wear them but sometimes months and months after I buy it.)

4) I desperately want to lose weight & exercise consistently. But I have a love-hate relationship with food, exercise & the gym... throw into that mess, issues with my body image and, need I say more? There's a lot there...

5) I'll probably be stuck in grief over the loss of my dad for the rest of my life if I continue in this ambivalence. I tip-toe around my grief, i jump over my grief, I walk away from my grief. Yet it's always there, within me. There was always a lot of ambivalence in my relationship with my dad. Perhaps that's where a lot of this comes from...

6) I'm lonely. And I say I want deep, authentic, rich friendships but as soon as relationships start moving in that direction, I distance myself. I push away. I isolate myself. The whole push-pull dynamic that describes so many of my friendships and romantic relationships throughout the years (not to mention relationship with God).

7) I long for our private practice to be a success. But when it comes to taking the risks & putting in the time and energy to work towards making that a reality, I bail. Sure I'll put 50% into it (or less to be more realistic & honest). Then if it never flys, I can do something about it, I can pretend I have some control & do something about it. But, if I put my whole self into it, and it still fails... what then can I do? Then I'm completely out of control. Then I'm completely dependent on God. Not a comfortable place for me.

And that's what a lot of my life has come down to - personal comfort - in my marriage, in my relationships, in my work. Limit risk, limit heart involvement & therefore, limit loss and pain. And as a result, limit passion and joy and success.

This has been a huge discovery for me in the last couple weeks. I don't want fear to win over. I want to want more for my self and my life and my marriage and my career and my relationships. And I do. Desire and fear are battling it out in my heart. My hearts been at war for so many years now. But to move past ambivalence, I think it takes more than just wanting things to be different. And I'm not clear yet as to what else it's gonna take...

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Back to work

Well, I have to go back to work. Gonna try & work PT at the Muskegon Barnes & Noble. It doesn't make sense for me to go back to the Holland store. That's a waste of time & gas to drive all that way for part-time work. So, hopefully I'll be able to get into the Muskegon store.

I'm discouraged - like I'm having to take a step backwards. Our business just isn't growing fast enough and Husband hasn't been able to find a FT counseling job. So I'm sad but I also know that I'm being selfish & just need to suck it up & get a job... it's only part-time. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time. I just want to be counseling full time & doing anything else is discouraging. But Husband's been making a lot of sacrifices. He's not loving life working at the coffee shop. He's just as discouraged about not having a counseling job. So, I need a major attitude adjustment... & forgiveness... and a job.