Monday, June 28, 2004

Surprised by grief

Last year at this time, it was the day before my wedding & my 8 year old niece & I were scrambling around in the pouring rain getting my nails & hair done for the rehearsal dinner. By this time, my fiance had gone over to the cottage where we were getting married to make sure the tent was up to find there was no tent to be found. When he called the tent company, they said, some guys had arrived to put up the tent but then left because it was raining too hard. Um... that's exactly why we need the tent! But as the rehearsal hour arrived, the tent was up & the rain had stopped. The sun came out & all my girls had arrived from Tennessee, Ohio, Seattle & Maryland and it was so great to see them & have them all with me! (I sure miss you girls!!)
But I'm jumping ahead, it's only noon & right now my niece & I are driving around Holland, in the rain, unable to find the place where I have my nail appointment.
Last night I had a dream about my wedding... or I should say a nightmare. It was my wedding day but my fiance & I had been fighting, I was totally out in the open without any privacy where all the guests could see me (a no-no for the bride. Who wants to be a bride without a grand entrance?) And, I couldn't fit into my dress anymore so I had nothing to wear & none of my girls were around to help me. Plus, all the pictures had already been taken & I wasn't in any of them. I woke up very sad & haven't been able to shake the feeling since.
As I write about my dream I'm realizing what I'm going through. I had no idea I was going to feel like this upon my one year anniversary but I believe I'm grieving. Today, on the eve of my one year anniversary, I am missing my bridal party girls & I'm missing my dad. While I was sad last year that he wasn't alive for my wedding day, I felt really good about all the things I did during the wedding ceremony to remember him. But today...I'm feeling it more today.
Last night I asked my husband if he'd take me to a ball so I could wear a gown again. When he said he didn't know of any I told him he had one day to pull one together on time for the anniversary. Yes, folks, I think what we have here is a grieving bride of yesteryear. It's enough to drive me to chocolate chip cookies & Doritos.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Weighty matters

Well, I'm gonna try this South Beach Diet thing. Anne, a friend of mine from Seattle told me about it like 6 months ago but I wasn't ready then. I tried Atkins but only lasted a couple days b/c I felt so sick. If I can just get thru these first 2 weeks then it'll be a run down the sand dunes from there. I had a good workout at the Y today. It's good to be back doing cardio & weights. Of course, it's not happening fast enough. It took me a year to gain this weight but I want it off overnight! And I'm stuck with this impossible image in my mind of how I want to look that doesn't help anything. why can't I let that image go? To be honest, I'm angry that I even have to do a diet. I hate how much birth control pills messed up my metabolism & completely changed my body. I look at myself in the mirror & don't recognize myself. I hate that I no longer look like the woman i was when my husband and I started dating. I know that's been harder for me to accept than it has been for him & I am grateful for that. I could easily be stuck on a rollercoaster of dieting & exercise for the rest of my life but I don't want to be; I don't want to be consumed with it. there's so much more for me. I can say in my head that I know happiness doesn't come from my pants size. But it takes my heart longer to catch up. I know I am not those magic numbers on the scale that can make or break me. Years ago, when I was a skinny little thing, I was miserable. I was unhappy & emotionally & relationally so unhealthy. it's easy for me to blame it on the weight. it's harder for me to look at other areas of my life that I feel less control over. I had so many hopes in moving to Michigan of finding the perfect counseling job & of instantly making deep connections with people. I came to Michigan with the hopes of re-inventing myself & a big part of that was leaving my body image wars behind. I guess it's gonna take more than 3 months to make peace with my body.

Monday, June 21, 2004

one year

In a week we celebrate our one year anniversary. And when that day arrives, I will insist that we're STILL newlyweds and I am STILL the bride! Although people no longer ask to see my shiny ring, which has been sad for me. Slowly, as time passes, I've been able to let that go & give it up & well, occasionally I'll still wave my left hand like a beauty queen so people can get a good slow-mo look. Once a bride, always a bride, that's my motto. Being a bride is just too hard to let go of... wearing a $1000 dress, getting your hair & make up done for you, being surrounded by loved ones, having your picture taken wherever you turn, all those unopened gifts, your husband-to-be making all kinds of vows & promises to you & looking all ga-ga at you, the anticipation of your honeymoon... it's all so wonderful. It will live on and on through pictures and the wedding video... even though my husband refuses to watch the wedding video with me... sure he won't watch that one but can't get enough of the honeymoon video!
P.S. My husband is making me write that there is no "honeymoon video". Yes dear.

a day of joy

Taking a stroll on the shore of Lake MI as bride & groom Posted by Hello

my wedding day

The best day of my life! Posted by Hello