Sunday, July 15, 2007

Baby boy

Tomorrow our baby boy will be 3 weeks old! I love being a mom and am so in love with my son. Let me tell you a little about him...

He was born Monday, June 25 at 8:57 a.m. by C-section. C-section wasn't as bad as I had feared. My recovery has been really quick which I'm so grateful for. He was 10 pounds, 20.5 inches so I agree, C-section was best. He surpassed his daddy who was 9 pounds 9 ounces. He has lots of black hair (just like his mommy was when she was born) and a dimple in his chin (passed down from his Grandpa (my dad)). His hair seems to be getting lighter now though and maybe a little reddish? That would be cool. He loves his momma's boob juice and hates to have his diaper changed. He sleeps a lot (not as much at night) and poops a lot. He's very alert and likes to look at everything going on around him. He loves to suck on his fists and hopefully he'll follow in his momma's footsteps and suck his fingers or thumb. (I must have had a strong sucking urge too because I sucked my fingers until I was 12 years old! No, I'm not ashamed to share that...) So far he seems to be a pretty happy and content baby (except when he's having gas issues). I feel so blessed to have him. He brings me to my knees before my Father more than anything else ever has. Everything I had to go through in pregnancy, in delivering him, in these past few weeks of recovering has been so worth it to have this precious peanut in our life. I am in awe of the whole thing.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Pregnancy rollercoaster continues...

Lots been going on with my pregnancy in the past couple weeks. I've been having constant pain in my inner thigh for over a week now. I had an ultrasound and they didn't find any blood clots or deep vein thrombosis. That's a good thing but in the meantime, they don't know what it is (possibly varicose veins?) It's extremely tender and achy and throbbing. Basically it's no fun and I haven't found any relief yet. It just may be this way until I deliver, which is of huge concern to me regarding labor and delivery. All those wonderful labor positions I've been working on I can no longer do - I can't bend my leg, I can't squat, I can't get on all fours; it hurts to sit, to lay on my side with my legs touching... so how am I supposed to deliver a baby?

Speaking of delivering this big boy of ours... my midwife is having me do a consult next week with the Dr. she is under. Baby continues to measure big and therefore this is an "at risk" pregnancy. She had me do another ultrasound... the first ultrasound they measured the baby at 6.5 lbs; a week and a half later I had another ultrasound and he measured at 8.5 lbs, which proves to me how inaccurate the test is! How can a baby gain 2 pounds in less than 2 weeks, and wouldn't I also have had to gain more than 2 pounds during that time period?
They also are testing me again for gestational diabetes to see if that is a factor for baby's "bigness". I took the test this morning and haven't gotten the results yet.
So next week, my husband and I meet with the dr., she's going to gather all my info from my ultrasounds, from my diabetes test and do a pelvic exam and my midwife said not to be surprised if she recommends a C-section.
At this point, my husband and I are shooting for a vaginal delivery; we at least want a chance to begin laboring and then if I can't or if there's a medically necessary reason why I can't, then we'll go for a C-section. (please God, no) I'm trying to emotionally and mentally prepare myself ahead of time for it but so far, I'm not ok with it.
We are getting anxious for baby boo to come out... mostly so I won't have to be induced and he could come naturally. I feel like, the closer we get to my due date, the doctor is going to pressure me for induction or a C-section.
I'm so attuned to my body and waiting for any little sign that labor may be near, but reality is, I'm still a month away from my due date and he could come late.
I'm still trusting that baby will come when he's supposed to come and really, I don't have much say in the matter if I want him to come on his own. But I feel abandoned by my midwife and very disappointed that she seems to be passing me off to the dr. and that she will not support me if I decide to go against doctor's wishes for a C-section. This is the very reason I went with a midwife. Maybe her hands are tied and legally she has no choice. And if there was a medical reason for all of this (like if my gestational diabetes test comes back positive) than that's a different story. But no longer working with me because tests that are reliable 50% of the time are saying I'm having a "too big" baby doesn't seem fair to me; that seems contrary to what midwifery is all about.
Well, here I go again, writing a very long post. Thanks for reading. Please keep us in your prayers.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Grumpy Bear

So I'm in a bit of a bad mood today. 33 weeks pregnant and I'm no longer enjoying this "renting my belly out for living space". I had no idea it would include such major home renovations. I'm uncomfortable 24/7 no matter if I'm walking or sitting or laying down. My hands and feet and legs are swollen, my back aches, my pelvis hurts, I see stars when I stand up... and to top it all off, I can't even find relief in complaining because I feel guilty for complaining. I love my precious baby boo. He can't help any of this... (nor can my husband help any of this and yet I'm afraid I've been taking it out on him a bit today... He made the mistake of saying something about how difficult the delivery turns out to be isn't as important as having a healthy baby, blah blah blah... or at least that's what I heard and I got all mad and said something about him having no right to say anything about the "discomfort" of labor or delivery when I'm going to be doing all the work. Of course I shared this with him in a very loving tone. Thinking back on it, our conversation made me feel alone... like when it comes down to it, I have to get this baby out by myself. No one else can do it for me. Yes, there will be people there to support me - wonderful people which i am so grateful for - but it will be my body doing the work and feeling the pain and I just don't know if I'm up for it. I felt more confident in 2nd trimester when I was feeling better. How am I supposed to get through the labor and delivery when I'm feeling so physically uncomfortable and achy? And baby has so much more growing to do... I'm still 7 weeks away from my due date.)

I think I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed as well. Baby could come now, he could come in a month, he could come in two months... or more... There's lots to do but I feel like I can only do a little at a time before I get too tired or my back starts hurting or any of my other random body parts start aching and swelling.

This "grumpy moodiness" all began with an ultrasound I had this morning. On one hand, it was a wonderful experience. I loved seeing my baby - he looks great – all ten toes and fingers; strong, steady heartbeat; a head of hair, chubby cheeks and a round belly (like his momma). The tech measured him and calculated he's about 6 ½ pounds (at 33 weeks, average for baby's weight is 4 ½ pounds). Not new news, I've known all along he's going to be a big boy. The tech said he'll most likely gain a ½ pound/week til he's due which puts him as a 10 + pound baby for delivery. I know what's important is having a healthy baby but to be honest, why do I have to have such a big baby? Why me? I was of average size when I was born. My husband, on the other hand, was 9 pounds 9 ounces. But I can't be angry at him because of that. He couldn't help it. I feel guilty for saying that I want a nice “normal” size baby. I should be grateful he's so healthy...

The ultrasound tech doesn't believe that my due date (July 1) is necessarily wrong but that most likely they will not let baby boo come that late. I like the idea of not having to be pregnant until July 1 (or after). But I don't like the idea of being induced. Who knows, maybe he'll come early on his own... before he reaches 10 pounds. But I'm worried that he won't. I'm worried that he's loving it in my belly and will be in no hurry to get out. I'm scared of the idea of being induced and all the interventions that often leads to... induction causing labor pains to come on so strong and so fast that I need to have an epideral... which means I can't be upright during labor which slows down labor, which often leads to C-section, etc...
My childbirth educator lead me to some research about the accuracy of estimating fetal weight through an ultrasound. (or more like inaccuracy). Research shows that in the third trimester, it's only about 50% accurate and yet from these predictions, women can be strongly pressured to have a C-section or be induced or other such interventions. For example, when the baby is predicted to be 'big,' the doctors often induce labor early in the mistaken belief that this will be more likely to result in vaginal birth. The opposite tends to be the case, in many cases, induction strongly raises the chance of a cesarean. Numerous studies have concluded that the best plan is not to induce labor or to have an elective cesarean. The research made me feel better. I allowed the ultrasound results to cause me to doubt myself and my body but the research helped me to stay strong and trust this pregnancy process.

I guess this is what they call "pregnancy moods". One day someone tells me I look fabulous pregnant and how cute I am and I feel beautiful and radiant and walk tall with pride. The next day I have an ultrasound where the tech predicts that I'm going to have such a “big” baby and I feel ashamed and huge and want to hide. Is this because I stopped running years ago and gained weight? Is this because I'm so out of shape? I wonder how much of this weight I'm carrying is shame.

I see my midwife next week and I look forward to hearing what she has to say about the ultrasound results. I just need to keep telling myself to trust my body, trust this baby and trust God. He knows my heart; He knows my fears. I won't let anyone turn me against my own body. Baby is as he's supposed to be... even if that means he's destined to become a baby sumo wrestler.

Monday, April 30, 2007

I love my tummy!

31 weeks and I feel like my tummy is bigger and lower than last week. I've been trying to get out and take walks. It's definitely different than 2nd trimester exercising. I have to walk slower and shorter distances and I'm quickly breathing harder. But I know walking is good so I will try and keep it up for the next couple months. And stretching feels so good - my back so quickly tightens up so the stretching really helps.

My husband painted the baby's room this past weekend. We love the color (light blue). I will take pictures once we have the room set up. I'm so excited to get it set up! That's going to make it all the more real. We're actually going to have a baby... we're going to have a son... we're going to be a mom and a dad! It still blows my mind when I think about it. There's a little baby inside of me and soon he will decide to come out and I already feel sad about that. I can't wait to meet him and see what he looks like and hold him in my arms, but I also will miss having him inside me. I guess the letting go process begins already from Day 1 outside the womb.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Third Trimester Belly

Two months to go and baby boy boo is growing growing growing. Saw midwife today and baby grew 2.5 inches in last 3 weeks. Mommy is a bit more tired, more hungry and more emotional these days but baby is doing great. He is so active in my belly. I love feeling him kick and jab and roll around. My body is starting to get a bit more uncomfortable these days but I'm still so grateful to be pregnant and to be on this amazing journey.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

It's not time for you yet baby boy boo! Stay in there!

I had a bit of a scare this past weekend. Sunday, after a long walk with my husband (perhaps too long of a walk) I had some cramping and bleeding. Upon resting, the symptoms went away and I haven't had any since. I guess I overdid things a bit. I've been taking it easy this week... fighting a cold too. One really cool thing from it all is how well I was able to take it... I thought with something scary like that I'd be real anxious but I was calm. And my husband was calm. I just listened to my body and my body told me to rest. So I did. Baby boo is teaching me how to listen and pay attention to my body - this body I haven't treated so well in the past - he's insisting I be kind to this haven of his.

I'm feeling more and more like I'm going to be okay for this labor and delivery thing I've got coming up here in a few months. I can do it. My baby can do it. My body can do it. I don't know what's ahead but right now I'm excited and calm.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Week 22

My husband and I have been working out at the Y this week and it feels really good! It's good to have the energy and to know that what I'm doing is good for me, good for the baby and good prep for labor/delivery.
We start childbirth classes this week. Here's the link to read about our instructor and the classes...
I'm looking forward to getting started.
I've been feeling the baby kick this week! It's so cool! Except when he kicked my bladder the other night and sent me running to the bathroom! That was not cool. Other than that, I am loving it!
I continue to have strange dreams... like last night, I dreamed I was cradling our 20 lb cat, Oliver, and feeding him milk from a bottle. I'm not sure but he might have been dressed in baby clothes and a bonnet. Boy it's fun to be pregnant!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007


We had an ultrasound on Friday. It was such a fun experience! It took about an hour to figure out the gender - the umbilical cord kept getting in the way. But then we got a clear shot and I blurted out, "That's not a penis is it?" "Yes it is," the technician said. "Our baby has a penis?" "A penis?" I just couldn't stop saying it! I guess that was my way of dealing with the shock. All along we've been thinking it's a girl but no, it has a penis! But there was no denying it, there it was. All weekend long I kept saying to friends, family, and strangers - "it has a penis!" So yes, we're having a boy and I'm actually very excited to be having a boy now that I know. It's good to know for sure. (And how often do I get to talk about penises?)

The ultrasound is such an amazing experience... we could actually see this hidden mysterious baby inside of me. I haven't felt his movements yet - my midwife said it's because my placenta is in front and so when the baby is moving and kicking, he's hitting the placenta so I can't feel it. Once he gets bigger and his movements get bigger, I'll be able to feel it through the placenta. I can't wait! But it was such a relief to see the baby so active in the ultrasound. He was arching his back and kicking and moving his arms. From start to finish he went from horizontal to vertical. It was such a great experience. Everything looks perfect - he's healthy and growing like a champ! Thank you God!

So yes, our baby is a boy and therefore, has a penis. Hopefully, at some point in the near future, mommy will get over how fun it is to say that!

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Strange Season

What a strange season this is for me. Four months pregnant and I am preparing for what will most likely be the most important role of my life. So much change is going on inside of me – in my womb, in my heart, in my mind, in my spirit. And yet this has been such a season of solitude, rest, and quiet. I don't think I'll ever have another season like it once Baby Boo is born.

First trimester is over and the weeks are going faster now. I can't believe I'm at 17 weeks already! I feel less anxious about miscarriage or whether Baby Boo will be healthy. I'm beginning to show more now and feel such a sense of pride and joy in that.

This life is growing inside of me and its given me a whole new perspective of my body. Up until now, I've wanted nothing but to hide my body in shame and fear and disgust. Now I carry my body with pride. My body is full of life. I love being pregnant. I'm so thankful that God has called me to be a mother.

I've noticed another huge change within me since I found out I was pregnant... it's like my past has fallen away from me. Not forgotten, no, never forgotten, nor does it need to be. But for so long, my past has been this heavy chain I drag with me. Then I became pregnant and suddenly the chain broke. I've been so past-oriented and now Baby Boo has turned me towards the future. I'm so grateful for that.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Here I am!

So I've hit the 15 weeks mark, which, I hear from several women that was the magic week for them where they started feeling better. I'm still pretty tired and nauseous throughout the day. Will I feel this way my whole pregnancy?
I attempted a pregnancy yoga/pilates video today and couldn't make it through. I took a walk instead this afternoon - it was bitter cold - but snow flakes were falling and it was quite beautiful.
I feel so out of shape and I know I have 6 more months but I'm worried I won't be "up for" a natural labor. I hope I start having more energy soon so I can get into better shape.