Sunday, October 31, 2004

Rain Clouds

All around me is loss & grief & shattered lives. I am stunned & shocked & muted by it all. It's been a struggle to find words for the past couple months now & that's been hard. Writing is such a passion of mine; it's such an outlet for me. Why has it been such a struggle lately? I feel numb... disconnected from myself. In Kafka's words, I need an axe to cut open the frozen sea within me. In the past, when I've felt distant from myself, I would write or go for a run & I'd feel better. But I haven't been able to do either for some time now & I miss it. I miss filling pages and pages effortlessly. I miss running miles & miles effortlessly. When I can't write & I can't run, I feel like my life is not my own, my time is not my own. And there it is... must it always come back to the "C" word? Control. I have a love/hate relationship with you... I love to feel in control and hate when I don't. With all this pain going on in the lives of friends and family and strangers, I'm reminded of how out of control I really am. Not something I like to think about very often. It scares me to death. And so I grab & grasp, but when I open my fists, there's only air. And yes, let's make a full circle... now it comes back to the "G" word... "I believe, help my disbelief." How am I to trust when He's not safe? What does it mean that He's good? It doesn't feel good. And yet, He has a grip on me and I can't let go. I can't not believe though I've tried. I normally feel lighter & more free after I write. Tonight, my heart feels more heavy.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

I'm back... I hope

It's been two months since I've written. I'm now in the full swing of fall. And with this season comes cooler temperatures, breezy & rainy days, bold-colored leaves littering the base of nearly bare trees, the comfort of hot drinks & warm comforters. Driving to Holland for work I pass fields of pumpkins next to roadside fruit stands selling cider & bushels of apples. Driving home I pass a campground smelling of bonfires.

"These are a few of my fav-or-ite things."

But with this season also brings great loss and sadness for a lot of people. My heart cries with accusations to God of "Why?" & "How could you?" & "Why didn't you protect or heal or raise the dead?" In seasons like this, when there's so much turmoil going on in the hearts and lives of friends and family, I see an image of God restraining himself. Restraining himself when he knows he has to let go and see his children suffer and hurt. Restraining himself while His son is beaten and hung to die on a cross. We are meaning-seeking people. There must be a reason, a purpose. He sees the greater jigsaw puzzle, while we're left with missing pieces. I can't see it right now and I just don't understand. So my heart aches. And God, is both restraining & embracing.