Sunday, October 31, 2004

Rain Clouds

All around me is loss & grief & shattered lives. I am stunned & shocked & muted by it all. It's been a struggle to find words for the past couple months now & that's been hard. Writing is such a passion of mine; it's such an outlet for me. Why has it been such a struggle lately? I feel numb... disconnected from myself. In Kafka's words, I need an axe to cut open the frozen sea within me. In the past, when I've felt distant from myself, I would write or go for a run & I'd feel better. But I haven't been able to do either for some time now & I miss it. I miss filling pages and pages effortlessly. I miss running miles & miles effortlessly. When I can't write & I can't run, I feel like my life is not my own, my time is not my own. And there it is... must it always come back to the "C" word? Control. I have a love/hate relationship with you... I love to feel in control and hate when I don't. With all this pain going on in the lives of friends and family and strangers, I'm reminded of how out of control I really am. Not something I like to think about very often. It scares me to death. And so I grab & grasp, but when I open my fists, there's only air. And yes, let's make a full circle... now it comes back to the "G" word... "I believe, help my disbelief." How am I to trust when He's not safe? What does it mean that He's good? It doesn't feel good. And yet, He has a grip on me and I can't let go. I can't not believe though I've tried. I normally feel lighter & more free after I write. Tonight, my heart feels more heavy.

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