Weighty matters

Well, I'm gonna try this South Beach Diet thing. Anne, a friend of mine from Seattle told me about it like 6 months ago but I wasn't ready then. I tried Atkins but only lasted a couple days b/c I felt so sick. If I can just get thru these first 2 weeks then it'll be a run down the sand dunes from there. I had a good workout at the Y today. It's good to be back doing cardio & weights. Of course, it's not happening fast enough. It took me a year to gain this weight but I want it off overnight! And I'm stuck with this impossible image in my mind of how I want to look that doesn't help anything. why can't I let that image go? To be honest, I'm angry that I even have to do a diet. I hate how much birth control pills messed up my metabolism & completely changed my body. I look at myself in the mirror & don't recognize myself. I hate that I no longer look like the woman i was when my husband and I started dating. I know that's been harder for me to accept than it has been for him & I am grateful for that. I could easily be stuck on a rollercoaster of dieting & exercise for the rest of my life but I don't want to be; I don't want to be consumed with it. there's so much more for me. I can say in my head that I know happiness doesn't come from my pants size. But it takes my heart longer to catch up. I know I am not those magic numbers on the scale that can make or break me. Years ago, when I was a skinny little thing, I was miserable. I was unhappy & emotionally & relationally so unhealthy. it's easy for me to blame it on the weight. it's harder for me to look at other areas of my life that I feel less control over. I had so many hopes in moving to Michigan of finding the perfect counseling job & of instantly making deep connections with people. I came to Michigan with the hopes of re-inventing myself & a big part of that was leaving my body image wars behind. I guess it's gonna take more than 3 months to make peace with my body.