Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Certified Happy Person

All that education & I still need more. Is there a course I can take on becoming happy? I'd like to get certified. Wouldn't that be cool at the end of my name: M.A., H.A.P.P.Y
But seriously, I'm so sick of being depressed! I want to be carefree and merry, damn it! My husband told me this morning that he thought I'd be happier now that we moved to Michigan... I thought I'd be happier too. Will I be when I have a counseling job? When I'm more connected into community here? When my writing gets published? Perhaps. I'm sure that will greatly help. But what if this is who I am? What if this is how God created me & it's good! Aggg! There's such an intensity & heaviness about me that I wish I could shed every now & then. I want to be more playful & less controlled - in all aspects of my life. I want to be flippant & lighthearted. Wow, that sounds redemptive. What a meaningful word that is for me: lighthearted. How amazing that would feel! How does one become lighthearted? What will it take for me to get there, no matter how fleeting it may be? There's so much inside of me - such a depth within my heart & soul & body - that feels so heavy & dark. I don't know how to grieve once & for all & let go & move on & Live & Love fully & wholeheartedly. There's so many deep crevices & mysterious labyrinths within me. So much of my past keeps me from moving forward into the kind of freedom I desire. It's been over two years since my dad died & it feels as though he is buried alive within me. And while I long to be experienced by others as being full of life & energetic & lighthearted, in so many ways, these days, I feel like I just go thru the motions. In many ways, I feel buried alive.
No certification? Well, how about a happy pill?

4 comments:

weniki93 said...

Hi Jen,
Happy pills, well I think they do exist. They are called anti-depressents. Sweetie, I am worried about you. Call me. I've tried to reach you all week. I can't come over, and you can't either. I can't be exposed to anyone in your household until Tod has his race. But call me okay? Wen.
P>S> Don't delete me!!!!!!

Jenna Lynne E. Deckert said...

Glad we got a chance to talk Wen. I still haven't figured out who deleted your comment. Very strange. Thanks for being my surrogate therapist :) Next session on Friday? Love you.

Anonymous said...

Hey Jenn....you sound so sad. Are you depressed? Or are you just having a tough adjustment to marriage, work, Michigan and not counseling? I am glad Wendy is there for you. Wish I could be.
Hey take a clown course. That's a happy pill for sure!! Wish we could do that together. Call me??
Love, Jean

Jenna Lynne E. Deckert said...

Thanks for your comment Jean. I had a rough couple of days last week. Doing better this week. When are you going to start blogging?
Love, Jenna