Wednesday, September 19, 2012


I feel good today and for that I am grateful. I feel alive. I feel happy. Would you describe me as a happy person? Lately there has been this cloud over me: mostly fatigue, but also guilt and inadequacy and shame and fear and just feeling overwhelmed. I know that the fatigue makes it all worse. But today there has been some relief. Today I am not tired. Today I have felt a little lighter. Happy. Happiness is getting things done. Singing around the house. Remembering to pray over my son before I drop him off to school. Acting silly for a tiny smile in the midst of tears and a sad heart that is needing extra time to adjust to starting school and missing Mommy. Chasing my daughter to her squeals of delight. A rainy cooler day. Wearing jeans. A hot chocolate. Bringing out our winter hats from storage (although I'm not quite ready to put away the beach towels yet).

Happiness is hearing that school bell ring to dismiss the students and watching my boy (more grown up today than the first day of school) running to the car, excited to see me and his sister and getting to bring him home. Happiness is a good conversation with my husband and falling a little more in love with him. Reading an extra book to my son who should have been asleep hours ago. The weight of my sleepy daughter in my arms and comforting her from the pain of her four teeth poking through at once. The dryer and the dishwasher running at the end of this day. Writing. And feeling quiet and still tonight, for I am dreaming and planning. I feel passion and longing and hope and excitement and maybe just for today. But I will hold onto it as long as I can for I have found, all good things we must let go of for it to become that which we don't yet know. We can only hope, in letting go, it will be better.

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