Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Letting go and finding peace
I remember feeling a definite shift in my heart as soon as I realized I was pregnant with our first child. For years I had struggled with living in the past and wanted to let it go and move on but still felt so tied to such disappointment, loss, regret, and lack of closure that left me agitated and restless. But then I became pregnant and the past fell off my shoulders. My body was changing and preparing for this new life inside of me. My heart and my mind were preparing for this new life ahead of me. I became much more present-focused (my changing body and feeling the baby moving inside of me) and future-focused (I couldn't wait to see what my baby would look like and hold him in my arms.) Now my son is 2 years old and I haven't looked back. Not in such a way as to forget my past or to be unaffected by my past but I am open and willing for NOW to matter so much more and to take up so much more space in my heart. Perhaps becoming a mom and discovering this different kind of love I've never experienced before has freed my heart. It's freed my heart to love my husband more freely and fiercely as well. And as a result, I'm so much more full of life and content. Perhaps through time, I've also become more at peace with the past. Something I have learned - much like gratitude, healing, and forgiveness - peace can't be forced upon us. Rather - taken under our wing and protected.