As I've been getting older, I've been struggling with not looking my age. I feel like I have to try extra hard to prove myself because I look so young. I haven't had a lot of confidence in my gifts because I feel like people get this first impression of me looking so young & they discount me (or I discount myself before they get a chance to). But I woke up yesterday morning and it hit me, I'm turning 30 in seven months. Something about that number 30 woke me up and I thought, What the hell am I doing with my life? I'm turning 30! 30 years old is not the little girl I so often feel like I am inside. 30 is so... adult. Goodbye 20's, goodbye "young adult", hello menopausal years... I'm not kidding... there's a story that goes with this... Yesterday I was working at the bookstore (yes, I am almost 30 and have the same job I had in college six years ago, yes, the $7/hour job I have with my Masters degree, yes, that does depress me...) anyway, so I'm at the bookstore, still stunned by the fact that I'm turning the big 3-0 in seven months. On my break, I start looking for books about turning 30. I find a few... "The complete guide to pregnancy after 30" (like that's too old to have a baby?), "Mid-life crisis at 30", and my favorite: "Swim naked, defy gravity, and other essential things you must do before you turn 30" (Why because after 30 you'll never get a chance to do any of those things, because your life goes downhill from there, because your life is pretty much over??). Then I found it: "The new menopausal years: ages 30-90."
The truth is, I know it's still seven months away but I'm excited to turn 30 (and a little scared). My little wake-up scare yesterday morning has been good for me. It's made me see myself more as I truly am - a fully grown woman. It has been a good motivation for me to create the life I want to be living by the time I'm 30 & if not to have "arrived" by the time I'm 30, to certainly be heading more in that direction than I have been.
Today was supposedly the most depressing day of the year - the day where there's been enough distance away from Christmas that we're now receiving all of our holiday bills & still midwinter where the weather is dreary, cold, & sunless for days on end. I'm not sure I exactly understand why it's supposed to be the worst day of the year today but I'm not going to let anyone tell me what kind of day I'm supposed to have. I actually had a really good day today. I'm excited about what the next 7 months could bring for me. Come on 30, bring it on. I'm not scared of you!