Begin Again

I panicked when I woke up this morning and realized it's been 6 months since I turned 40. I'm already half a year in to this significant year and what do I have to show for it? What of all those good intentions to get healthy and be a better me? Will I always be stuck in good intentions that never go anywhere?

Time is rolling away from me and I can't catch up. It takes my breath away when I think about it. I need to begin, today, right now, I need to begin again.

So this morning, after I dropped the kids off to school, I laced up my running shoes and drove to my parents cemetery. It is one of my favorite places to be. Rolling hills tucked within old towering trees. Huge old historic monuments. A paved road weaving through the sprawling grounds. The morning is gray and it's drizzling but it's warm for February. Winter isn't over yet but there's been a reprieve from the cold and the snow this past week.

I can't remember the last time I ran. I don't even think I CAN run but here I am, running, or more like shuffling, but it's a start. It’s so peaceful and quiet. I can only hear my breath, my footsteps, and some squirrels playing in the trees. My legs are tired but I'm coming back to me; I'm coming back to life. I’m determined to be as alive as I can these days.

I turn a bend near my parents monuments and there right in front of me are three deer, munching on grass. I stop and watch them and feel the wild life within me grow. I had no idea how dead I have felt for so long.

It doesn’t matter how many times I have to begin again. It's ok. I can begin again and again.