Thursday, February 16, 2006

I had a medical massage on Tuesday. "Your back is in a state of trauma," she told me.
My back, I thought, how about my whole body!
She worked me over something fierce and I've been sick ever since. That's actually a good thing - the toxins are leaving my body. I'm trying to drink lots of water & stretch every day. That's helping me feel better. I know I'm going to feel worse before I will feel better. That's true for any recovery and healing process.

I am told to rest and I've been trying to. But I've been resisting it as well. I'm afraid I'll like it too much. I could get used to watching movies and reading all day. And I feel myself sliding down a slope of sadness. Maybe that's from the bodywork - God knows there's sadness trapped in my body and massage can stir that up for me. I'm trying to release it and not hold onto it. I get pretty greedy with my sadness and don't want to let go of it.

Sometimes I wonder, what has happened to me? I'm so far away from who I used to be. Is this because my dad died? I'm striving to get back parts of who I used to be and maybe, when I can let go of that, I can become more who I'm meant to be. Is this what life is - always wanting to be more or different or better? What about who I am right now - the good, the bad, and the ugly. What's so difficult about me facing "me" right now - not who I've been or who I one day hope to become but today, right now, me. Am I scared of her? Do I not like her? Am I holding her back?

4 comments:

weniki93 said...

You know, when I worked on an adolescent psychiatric, we had a lot of girls who cut themselves. Many of them said that they needed the pain to feel alive. Only bringing this up because you said you are "greedy with your sadness" (a well written phrase, too) but saddness and pain are a lot alike, agree? There is something seering about sadness that just brings about powerful proof that you exist. You know when you feel something intensely, how you can deny that you are alive, are real?
Just something to think about...

Jenna & Rob Deckert said...

Good thoughts, Wen. My sadness seems to have a deadening effect on me though, rather than making me feel alive. Probably because I'm trying to control it & hold onto it rather than release it. Your comment makes me wonder what it is I'm getting out of my sadness... definitely issues of control there. Perhaps the deadening effect of it is an escape for me... Something I will explore more. Thanks for your comment, Wen & for reading my blog(s).

ANTI-ONION SOCIETY said...

Jenna,
I just caught up on your blog. I related with a lot of what you wrote in this post, and I appreciate the bravery you show by letting us see you growing here. I don't know you very well, but I really like the person I see - and I hope your toxins leave so you can feel the *pleasant* benefits of the massage! ( I've always had the same kind of recovery from them..because I hold tension in my body and need more work than one massage can do..it seems to stir things up and make me sore!)

Mymusings1975 said...

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