I had a medical massage on Tuesday. "Your back is in a state of trauma," she told me.
My back, I thought, how about my whole body!
She worked me over something fierce and I've been sick ever since. That's actually a good thing - the toxins are leaving my body. I'm trying to drink lots of water & stretch every day. That's helping me feel better. I know I'm going to feel worse before I will feel better. That's true for any recovery and healing process.
I am told to rest and I've been trying to. But I've been resisting it as well. I'm afraid I'll like it too much. I could get used to watching movies and reading all day. And I feel myself sliding down a slope of sadness. Maybe that's from the bodywork - God knows there's sadness trapped in my body and massage can stir that up for me. I'm trying to release it and not hold onto it. I get pretty greedy with my sadness and don't want to let go of it.
Sometimes I wonder, what has happened to me? I'm so far away from who I used to be. Is this because my dad died? I'm striving to get back parts of who I used to be and maybe, when I can let go of that, I can become more who I'm meant to be. Is this what life is - always wanting to be more or different or better? What about who I am right now - the good, the bad, and the ugly. What's so difficult about me facing "me" right now - not who I've been or who I one day hope to become but today, right now, me. Am I scared of her? Do I not like her? Am I holding her back?