My husband gave me some hard but good words the other day. I've been faced with my selfishness lately. Money issues and finding work has been a big stress on our relationship our entire marriage. More of a stress on him than on me in many ways because I grew up with a Daddy who provided everything for me. Money was never an issue for me growing up. Even when I was out of the house he paid for my college & grad school education as well as provided me with a car, food, clothes, & rent-free housing. I worked as a teenager, mostly as a babysitter and at a health club. I worked throughout college and grad school as well - office jobs, nanny jobs, bookstore jobs. But I know I was lucky. It was very important to my dad to provide for his kids. He was a very giving man... perhaps to the point of taking away responsibility that should have been ours. My dad grew up very poor & perhaps that played into it. Providing for us financially was his way of giving us security and love. So, going into marriage, I unconsciously expected my husband to be my Sugar Daddy. Now, 2.5 years into marriage, I'm facing this. Husband was aware of this even before we married. I remember now, before we married, he being worried about financial expectations I may put on him because of how I grew up. He worried that he wouldn't be able to be a good provider for me on a counselor's salary (or a coffee shop salary).
I grew up with a mom who never had to work outside of the home. She took odd jobs here & there but it wasn't out of financial necessity. My mom got great pleasure out of being a homemaker and a mom. She was able to be home with all of us kids when we were growing up & I'm grateful for that. She instilled in me the desire to stay home when we have kids. I look forward to the time when we have kids and I can be home with them. I am a homebody. I love our home; I love being at home. But I also can see how this can be safe, how this can become an escape. I don't want to have kids just so I can escape from working. I still plan on counseling when we have kids - perhaps evenings when my husband can be at home with the kids. I still hope to do speaking engagements & workshops. I still hope to write professionally. The problem is, I've been so focused on the future & planning for what's to come that I have neglected right now. And I know it's because right now is hard career-wise; right now is disappointing career-wise. It's not that I don't want to work. I just don't want to have to work where I don't want to (like the bookstore). I'm so protective of my time - and probably not in a good way. I want to be able to do our counseling practice solely & having to do anything else I resent. This has caused me to be unwise & selfish with my time right now. We don't have kids now & therefore now is a time of greater freedom that I need to be using my gifts & time towards building our counseling practice & earning money. Husband said, "I'm worried that you're going to look back on this time & see it as a season of regret." And he's right. I struggle with a lot of regrets from my past. I can't go back but I can do something about now to prevent future regret. I am convicted that I'm not using this time as I should... Because of my fears, because of my lack of trust & dependence on God, because of my stubborness, because of my selfishness, because of my poor time management I am not doing with my time & my life as I want to. Those were good words from my husband. I pray God continues to change my heart & my attitudes.