What's in a name?

So some of you long-timers in my life might be wondering, who's this Jenna chick people keep talking about? Jenna who? You have forever known me as Jenny or Jen or Jennifer. It's one thing to get used to a name change when you get married but then you come along and say your name is Jenna now and call me Jenna now and I can't hear you unless you call me Jenna...

Well, here's the story behind my name change...

In grad school, I had a friend named Heather. She had decided she wanted to legally change her name as a way to make a new start and separate from the unhealthy family she had come from. So with a friend, she searched for a name she liked and came up with Hadley Maris. She went to court and got her name changed legally. Of course it was a bit of an adjustment at first for her friends and classmates and professors at school. And we'd slip every now and then and call her Heather. But soon it was like she had always been Hadley and sometimes I'd have to think real hard to remember what she had originally been named. And now, years later, it's like she's always been Hadley. So, I was talking to my friend Hadley around the time she had changed her name, and we got thinking about what I could change my name to... not legally and not just as a nickname but a name that would meaningfully and symbolically define who it was I wanted to be from that point on... a casting off of the old, a shedding of dead skin, a turning my face towards the future. She named me "Jenna" and I liked it instantly.

When I think about the name "Jenna" I think of a woman who is free-spirited. She is light-hearted and frivolous. She is fearless and confident. She loves and lives wildly from her heart. And I long to be that Jenna. I'm not there yet. But everytime someone calls me by my name, I am reminded who it is I truly am, beneath my fears, and who it is I'm hopefully becoming more and more every day. My dear friend Hadley, really and truly saw me that day, five years ago, when she said, "How about the name Jenna?" She saw who it is I'm meant to be; who I long to be. She saw a name I could grow into and become more and more as I grow and heal and trust and let go. It makes me eager and excited to hear what God's name will be for me. What will He call me?

How about you? What would you like to be renamed? What's a symbollic name you'd like to grow into? Or maybe you like your name. If so, what does your name say about you?

I had a medical massage on Tuesday. "Your back is in a state of trauma," she told me.
My back, I thought, how about my whole body!
She worked me over something fierce and I've been sick ever since. That's actually a good thing - the toxins are leaving my body. I'm trying to drink lots of water & stretch every day. That's helping me feel better. I know I'm going to feel worse before I will feel better. That's true for any recovery and healing process.

I am told to rest and I've been trying to. But I've been resisting it as well. I'm afraid I'll like it too much. I could get used to watching movies and reading all day. And I feel myself sliding down a slope of sadness. Maybe that's from the bodywork - God knows there's sadness trapped in my body and massage can stir that up for me. I'm trying to release it and not hold onto it. I get pretty greedy with my sadness and don't want to let go of it.

Sometimes I wonder, what has happened to me? I'm so far away from who I used to be. Is this because my dad died? I'm striving to get back parts of who I used to be and maybe, when I can let go of that, I can become more who I'm meant to be. Is this what life is - always wanting to be more or different or better? What about who I am right now - the good, the bad, and the ugly. What's so difficult about me facing "me" right now - not who I've been or who I one day hope to become but today, right now, me. Am I scared of her? Do I not like her? Am I holding her back?

Jessica Simpson

So last night, I was watching E! True Hollywood Story on Jessica Simpson & her family. (I know, I know, I got sucked in.) It was quite fascinating actually. I look at where Jessica is now & her dreams and visions when she started and I wonder, what happened? I don't have to look much further than her Pimp Daddy manager. Maybe I'm being too harsh but in my opinion, Daddy Simpson is not a good man. I can't blame it all on him, I'm sure Hollywood played a big part in it but the man who is supposed to be protecting his daughters, seems way more invested in cashing in on his daughters no matter what the cost. Before Daddy Simpson realized his daughters were talented and beautiful & how much money they could make him, he was a Baptist youth minister. I guess the first clue as to what makes him tick is his marrying Mommy Simpson – who was one of the high schoolers in the youth group he was pastor over. I'm trying not to judge, I'm just letting the facts speak for themselves.

Okay so Mommy & Daddy Simpson realize early on that daughter Jessica has been given a gift from God – an amazing voice. And Jess wants to use this voice to sing gospel and bring people to Christ and be a role model to young girls about faith and abstinence. But as she's growing up and becomes 14 years old, the Christian artist community shames her. You can't be a Christian artist, they say, you're too sexy, your breasts are too big. Sorry sweetie, your body is getting in the way of people being able to worship. You're just too sexy for God... Today we look at Jessica Simpson and see the way she dresses, and I certainly wonder about how far she must have come with the choices she makes about her image, but let's not forget, at this point in her story, she's 14 years old! What does that say to a young girl about her body, about her beauty? I wonder how much that played a part in the woman she presents to the world today.

So Daddy Simpson has a grand idea; the Christian community won't accept my daughter so let's go to Hollywood! Now Jess is competing with Brittney Spears and Christina Aguiler, teen pop stars who take their dance moves from porn. And what I heard from Jessica on E! was that she didn't want people focused on her body, she wanted them paying attention to her voice. She was modest and uncomfortable being “sexy”. She was told she needed to lose weight and sex-up her look if she wanted to get anywhere in this business. And we hear this kind of story all the time – with models and actresses and singers thrown into the Hollywood scene. Doesn't that just go with the territory? “Hey, if you want to be famous you have to expect to give up a few things – your privacy, your love for fried chicken and donuts, your control over how the media represents you. But what you get in return – fame and worship and money and all the material things you could ever want equals happiness & makes all the other slight disadvantages worth it. We promise.” That's not my problem, even though I could write a whole other post about my beef with Hollywood. No, my problem is, where is Daddy Manager through all this? Why is this not only okay with him but encouraged by him? Jess did not want to be another Brittney Spears or Christina Aguiler. She didn't want to sell her body to sell a record. That was not who she was. But Daddy knows best I guess... if you can't beat them, join them. After all, “My daughter's got Double D's! You can't cover them up!” (I'm not making this up – this is what Pimp Daddy Simpson said in an interview in GQ). I'm sorry, is that the father speaking or the manager? How does that even make a difference? He is her father. And what father says that about his daughter?

I look at Jessica now & I feel sad. I look at her sexed-up videos, I look at the way she dresses, I look at her first movie role as Daisy Duke in the movie Dukes of Hazzard; I look at her in lingerie, jumping out of a cake for her husband's birthday bash. And I think, well, Hollywood stole another one. Another woman looking to Hollywood to tell them what a woman is and what she is worth. I wonder when she's gonna wake up from Hollywood's laughing gas. When's she going to fight back? Or, has she given up and given in? Is this all she feels she's worth, this body she has? That this is what's important, not her voice. Her voice has taken backstage to her body – the very thing she didn't want. Does she remember her original dreams? It's like she got sucked into Hollywood and her passion and heart and values got lost along the way.

Jessica was given the gift of uncommon beauty and an even more gorgeous singing voice. Why didn't the Christian community protect this rather than shame her? But I'm even more angry at her father for not protecting his daughter from being so sexualized. How dangerous the Hollywood bubble is. How easy it is for all of us to get sucked in to the lies.

Seven months and counting...

As I've been getting older, I've been struggling with not looking my age. I feel like I have to try extra hard to prove myself because I look so young. I haven't had a lot of confidence in my gifts because I feel like people get this first impression of me looking so young & they discount me (or I discount myself before they get a chance to). But I woke up yesterday morning and it hit me, I'm turning 30 in seven months. Something about that number 30 woke me up and I thought, What the hell am I doing with my life? I'm turning 30! 30 years old is not the little girl I so often feel like I am inside. 30 is so... adult. Goodbye 20's, goodbye "young adult", hello menopausal years... I'm not kidding... there's a story that goes with this... Yesterday I was working at the bookstore (yes, I am almost 30 and have the same job I had in college six years ago, yes, the $7/hour job I have with my Masters degree, yes, that does depress me...) anyway, so I'm at the bookstore, still stunned by the fact that I'm turning the big 3-0 in seven months. On my break, I start looking for books about turning 30. I find a few... "The complete guide to pregnancy after 30" (like that's too old to have a baby?), "Mid-life crisis at 30", and my favorite: "Swim naked, defy gravity, and other essential things you must do before you turn 30" (Why because after 30 you'll never get a chance to do any of those things, because your life goes downhill from there, because your life is pretty much over??). Then I found it: "The new menopausal years: ages 30-90."

The truth is, I know it's still seven months away but I'm excited to turn 30 (and a little scared). My little wake-up scare yesterday morning has been good for me. It's made me see myself more as I truly am - a fully grown woman. It has been a good motivation for me to create the life I want to be living by the time I'm 30 & if not to have "arrived" by the time I'm 30, to certainly be heading more in that direction than I have been.

Today was supposedly the most depressing day of the year - the day where there's been enough distance away from Christmas that we're now receiving all of our holiday bills & still midwinter where the weather is dreary, cold, & sunless for days on end. I'm not sure I exactly understand why it's supposed to be the worst day of the year today but I'm not going to let anyone tell me what kind of day I'm supposed to have. I actually had a really good day today. I'm excited about what the next 7 months could bring for me. Come on 30, bring it on. I'm not scared of you!

Can you hear me?

I have been so irritable these last few days. I don't know what's going on with me. I actually yelled at my mom & my brother today. For anyone who knows me, this should come as a huge surprise... The crazy thing is, I didn't feel all that surprised afterwards. I opened my mouth & words came screaming out & then I was done. I didn't really have much of a response, which feels really strange for me since it was something SO out of the ordinary. I am not a yeller; I'm barely a talker. Though I'm very emotional, I rarely express those emotions. So to just open my mouth & scream is bizarre. I think I yelled something like, "You're not listening!!" I can't remember exactly. My mom & brother were both talking at the same time while I was in the middle of sharing a story and so, no, they weren't listening.

My brother actually said a pretty profound thing after I yelled. He said that I yelled because I must not feel heard. He was so right on. And I realized how much I haven't felt heard all my life. There's a “funny” family story about me from when I was a baby. I am the youngest in my family – by quite a bit. My sister is 6 years older than me, followed my two brothers who are 10 & 12 years older than me. My cousin also came to live with us for 5 years while I was growing up. She is also six years older than me. So growing up, with 5 of us kids around, it was a busy, noisy house. And I was usually in the center of it all, taking everything in.
So, as the story goes, when it all got too much around the dinner table and everyone was talking all at once, and no one was paying any attention to me (the baby in the high chair), I'd belt out a good long yell. Everyone stopped their conversations & directed their attention to me. Shortly after, I was satisfied and everyone went back to their conversations.

I've struggled with being heard all my life. A big part of it is my personality... I am quiet & introverted. I need to be drawn out. I enjoy a good conversation & I have a few people in my life who I share my true self with. But I also know I can be hidden and private. People say I'm a hard person to read. That surprises me. I feel like I'm always giving myself away – that people can see right through me. But I guess after years of trying to control & stuff my emotions (for fear that I'm “too much” or that I won't be handled well), along with a fear of letting others know how they affect me, well, I guess that could result in becoming a hard person for others to read.

So I've become comfortable in the distance, in the silence. I don't require, request, demand enough to be heard. Instead, I remain mute. I tend to talk quiet & so am usually spoken over. I want more areas in my life where I am heard. I need to make the space & the time for that.

This year, I want to...

1. Drink more water
2. Get on a better sleep schedule
3. Listen to music more often during the day
4. Write every day
5. Exercise every/other day
6. Be a more committed/available/accessible friend to others
7. Face my fears of swimming (there's a mermaid inside of me just screaming to get out!)
8. Complete my counseling internship
9. Quit Barnes & Noble and work full time as a counselor
10. Live more from my desires than from my fears

Sabotage

I'm driving along Highway 31. It's lunchtime & I'm hungry. I take the exit to my favorite restaurant & park, dreaming of what I will order inside. But something is holding me back & I can't get out of my car. A belt holds me to the seat. The doors are locked & won't let me out. I struggle a bit. Maybe someone will see me & come to my rescue. The smells beckon me. People sitting inside, laughing and talking and eating mock my struggle. All around me, people exit their cars with ease & stroll inside. What's their secret? Why is it so easy for them to get inside? I begin to worry, how long will I be trapped in this car? How will I get out? Won't someone open my door for me & unbuckle this belt holding me down? I'm locked in; I'm stuck; I'll be here forever & never get inside that restaurant. Hours go by & I do nothing but watch the people coming & going. Perhaps I fall asleep for awhile. Before I know it, night has fallen. The restaurant has emptied out. Where did the time go? I'm no longer hungry but sad and tired. Logic tells me, just reach over & unbuckle your seatbelt. Unlock the door & step out. But something stops me. Am I not hungry enough? Do I not genuinely want to eat? Do I not want to eat at this restaurant? But this is my favorite restaurant & my growling tummy tells me I'm hungry. And still, I sit in the parking lot, all day.

Happy New Year!

I enter into 2006 hopeful about the coming year. I enter in with dreams and goals - for our counseling practice, for losing weight & exercising consistently, for getting on a better sleep schedule, for writing more, for completing an internship so I can pursue licensure, for permanantly moving on from Barnes & Noble & getting a counseling job, for growing in relationship with my husband, with family & friends, with God.

You are not safe, God, but You are Good. Help me to trust You for this coming year. Please protect & bless my loved ones with Your presence. I think of that scene in the Lion, the Witch, & the Wardrobe movie where the lion is walking down the beach, away from the party. And I'm little Lucy watching him leave & tears are streaming down my face because I feel abandoned & I don't understand why He can't stay, why He won't stay. I just want to be with Him. And I realize, those times I rebel against Him, those times I fight Him & turn my back on Him & doubt Him, it's because of all those times, I've had to watch Him (or others) walk away from me.

Most endings aren't safe - full of pain, sadness, regret, longing, loss, lack of closure. But in the midst of it all, He is good. I hold onto that. I want to understand more what that means this year.

May this be a year of creativity, growth & healing.

Quiet Season

I'm entering into a quiet season. After a hectic holiday season, I'm longing for a slower pace; a haven of rest, solitude, creativity & introspection. I want to read and write. I want to listen to music & take walks in the snow. I want to connect with God, with myself & with others.

There's a sadness stuck in my throat. I've been swallowing it down for too long now. Deep waters rush within me. I need to dive in & swim down to the treasures below. I've been doggypaddling for too long now, not willing to dunk my head under & get my hair wet. But this quiet season, I take a deep breath & take the plunge.

My Dear God (Santa) Letter

This Sunday it's Your birthday. This Sunday we celebrate your birth, your story, your life. However, I'm sad to say, I have forgotten about You. Perhaps Santa was once supposed to represent You - Father Christmas who works miracles, who gives gifts; the big guy upstairs who lives up north who the kids who still believe pray to and write letters to, who comes in the middle of the night while we're sleeping so we don't ever get to see in the flesh or talk with the real one. But now, the Santa icon has taken over and You get lost. I forget that it's Your birthday and that You're the one who gets the gifts.

I guess I don't know how to celebrate You. I'm looking forward to our Christmas Eve service so I can remember You and worship You and celebrate You. My husband and I are making a new tradition on Your birthday of reading the story in the Bible of Your birth. I want to not only believe in You, I want You to be real to me. More real than the idols I worship in my life.

Why do I do the things I do for Christmas? Presents, decorations, Christmas trees, parties, a feast together with family & loved ones... Most of the world shuts down and takes the day off but not really with the intention to honor You. It's nice to have the day off but I want to be aware on Christmas of what I'm celebrating.

Will You spend Christmas Day with me & my family? I hear You RSVP: "The question is, will you?" You're like the gift left under the Christmas tree unopened & forgotten. A plain brown bag. You don't demand attention; You don't have shiny colorful wrapping paper & a big red bow wrapped around You. But You are the most important gift; You are the only gift. I believe; help me in my unbelief.

I enjoy the Christmas season. I don't think You have to be thrown out because of all the commercialization. Or that all the holiday traditions need to be thrown out in order to glorify You alone. I believe You are for giving, and beauty, and relationship, and celebrating and enjoying good food. I believe You are in that. But so often I forget that You are Christmas. You are with us, whether we set a place for You at the feast or not. Please come. There is not only room for You, the day is meant for You. May I remember You & celebrate You well.

Season of regret

My husband gave me some hard but good words the other day. I've been faced with my selfishness lately. Money issues and finding work has been a big stress on our relationship our entire marriage. More of a stress on him than on me in many ways because I grew up with a Daddy who provided everything for me. Money was never an issue for me growing up. Even when I was out of the house he paid for my college & grad school education as well as provided me with a car, food, clothes, & rent-free housing. I worked as a teenager, mostly as a babysitter and at a health club. I worked throughout college and grad school as well - office jobs, nanny jobs, bookstore jobs. But I know I was lucky. It was very important to my dad to provide for his kids. He was a very giving man... perhaps to the point of taking away responsibility that should have been ours. My dad grew up very poor & perhaps that played into it. Providing for us financially was his way of giving us security and love. So, going into marriage, I unconsciously expected my husband to be my Sugar Daddy. Now, 2.5 years into marriage, I'm facing this. Husband was aware of this even before we married. I remember now, before we married, he being worried about financial expectations I may put on him because of how I grew up. He worried that he wouldn't be able to be a good provider for me on a counselor's salary (or a coffee shop salary).
I grew up with a mom who never had to work outside of the home. She took odd jobs here & there but it wasn't out of financial necessity. My mom got great pleasure out of being a homemaker and a mom. She was able to be home with all of us kids when we were growing up & I'm grateful for that. She instilled in me the desire to stay home when we have kids. I look forward to the time when we have kids and I can be home with them. I am a homebody. I love our home; I love being at home. But I also can see how this can be safe, how this can become an escape. I don't want to have kids just so I can escape from working. I still plan on counseling when we have kids - perhaps evenings when my husband can be at home with the kids. I still hope to do speaking engagements & workshops. I still hope to write professionally. The problem is, I've been so focused on the future & planning for what's to come that I have neglected right now. And I know it's because right now is hard career-wise; right now is disappointing career-wise. It's not that I don't want to work. I just don't want to have to work where I don't want to (like the bookstore). I'm so protective of my time - and probably not in a good way. I want to be able to do our counseling practice solely & having to do anything else I resent. This has caused me to be unwise & selfish with my time right now. We don't have kids now & therefore now is a time of greater freedom that I need to be using my gifts & time towards building our counseling practice & earning money. Husband said, "I'm worried that you're going to look back on this time & see it as a season of regret." And he's right. I struggle with a lot of regrets from my past. I can't go back but I can do something about now to prevent future regret. I am convicted that I'm not using this time as I should... Because of my fears, because of my lack of trust & dependence on God, because of my stubborness, because of my selfishness, because of my poor time management I am not doing with my time & my life as I want to. Those were good words from my husband. I pray God continues to change my heart & my attitudes.

Poor Oliver

Our poor kitten has been through way too much this past weekend and my husband and I are having a very hard time with it all. Ollie got in his first cat fight on Thursday night while we had some friends over. He snuck outside while we had the front door open & 10 minutes later I heard the worst cat noises imaginable. I ran outside but I didn't see Ollie or any other cat. I was very worried that Ollie was hurt so I grabbed a flash light & looked all over for him, calling for him while my friend Judy was shaking his box of kitty treats. After what seemed like an eternity, we finally gave up & started walking back towards the front door. Ollie came running from somewhere & ran into the house. He had poop on his head & all over his butt. He smelled awful. So I put him in the bathtub for a dreaded bath. Normally he goes limp when I give him a bath but this time he was furious (& in pain). He was hissing & crying. We managed to get through it, & later that night, he just wanted to be on my lap or me holding him. I was really worried about him because he seemed to be in pain & was not acting his usual perky self.

I didn't sleep much Thursday night. Ollie was on the bed with us but in the middle of the night he left (which is very unlike him - we usually have to be the ones to kick him out because he romping all over the bed at 3 a.m.). In the morning, Husband woke up first & went looking for our dear kitty. He was worried because he remembered hearing that cats go off alone when they're dying. He found him lying under the Christmas tree with very very sad eyes. All morning he barely moved & wasn't eating. When he did move, he was limping & whining. We made an appointment to take him to our vet, which we were late for because we had a horrible time trying to get him into his carrier.
The vet checked him over & said he was fine - no open wounds. He had just been through something really traumatic & was mad & probably really sore & bruised from the fight. He gave him some anti-inflammatory meds & some antibiotics.

We brought him home & he slept most of the day. By evening he was eating & even playing a little with my shoelaces. We were getting our Ollie back! It was so wonderful to have him back. We had been so scared that Ollie had gotten rabies or that we'd have to put him under. He improved more & more over the weekend. Sunday I noticed when I was petting him that he had some bumps on his side. He was due to go back to the vet this afternoon for a rabies shot. I was at work when Husband brought him in. I called my husband on my way home from work to see how the rabies appt. went & Husband said, well, Ollie came out of surgery ok. What! Evidently, he didn't get his rabies shot after all. Instead, the dr. checked out the bumps & said they were teeth bites & they were bloody. He had two on his right side & one under his right front leg. They were open wounds so they had to put Ollie under, shave his hair on his side, insert a drain into his side & under his leg & sew him back up. They put a collar around his neck (a drape like a bib) so that he won't scratch off the drains or reopen his wounds. Well, needless to say, Ollie is very very unhappy. And so are my husband and I. He absolutely hates the collar. I don't think he can sleep comfortably with it and he can only lay on one side because of his wounds on his right side. We have to give him pain meds by mouth 2 times/day & we have to clean his wounds twice/day. Tonight, doing both was extremely hard. Afterwards, Ollie scooped half his kitty liter onto the floor next to his kitty liter box. I think he's mad at us.

So, this is how it's going to be for the next 4 days til we can bring him back to the vet on Friday & get his drains removed & his collar taken off. We're not sure who's looking forward to it more, us or Ollie. Poor Ollie. We feel so very sad for him. If God cares for the sparrows, surely he cares for our kitty. Please heal him God.

Tag, I'm it...

The snow is really coming down now - big fat flakes. I love it. It's so beautiful. It's capturing my attention.

So my sister in law, Wendy, tagged me to play this game so here goes...

Seven things to do before I die

1. Have a baby (at least one)
2. Be a published author
3. Travel more
4. Seek forgiveness from the people I've wronged throughout my life
5. Make sure people in my life know how much I love them
6. Have a thriving counseling practice
7. Live more free from my heart

Seven things I cannot do

1.Be a morning person
2.Be an extrovert
3. Redo my past
4. Fall asleep as soon as I go to bed (my mind is also racing & it usually takes me hours to fall asleep)
5. Swim (I could stay afloat if I needed to but I don't know for how long)
6. All the gymnastics tricks I used to be able to do
7. Be without God

Seven things that attract me to my husband

1. His face
2. His kindness
3. How he cares for people so well
4. How he pursues my heart
5. How he makes me laugh
6. How he loves me as I am & encourages me to become more the person I want to be
7. How he believes in me

Seven things I say most often

1. I don't wanna get out of bed yet (pretty much I say this every morning & it usually comes out in a whine)
2. I love you
3. I need to exercise
4. What is wrong with me?
5. I'd rather be writing right now
6. Oliver! (usually yelling at my cat for some bad thing he's done)
7. I wish I had more clients

Seven Books I love
1. Blue Like Jazz (Donald Miller)
2. John Eldredge books
3. Dan Allender books
4. Harry Potter books
5. Passionate Marriage (David Schnarch)
6. The Velveteen Principles (Toni Raiten-D'Antonio)
7. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)

Seven Movies I’d watch (or have watched over and over again)
1. It’s a Wonderful life
2. Harry Potter movies
3. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
4. Anne of Green Gables
5. Legends of the Fall
6. A River Runs Through It
7. To Gillian On Her 37^th Birthday

Seven people who I want to join in
1. Rob
2. Judy
3. Jason
4. Tod
5. Dianne
6. Jean
7. Mom

Let it snow, Let it snow!

First snowfall of the season! I love it! I was singing in the shower this morning I was so happy. Amazing what a little snowfall can do to my spirits! I work 2 to close tonight at the bookstore & I really don't mind it now that the snow is coming down. I remember really enjoying my shifts at the Holland bookstore when it would snow. Something about being in a cozy bookstore with a hot drink while the snow falls outside that puts customers in a jolly mood.

Welcome to winter!

At least I'm not a blockhead!

Ok, so I took a little quiz & the results are in...


I am Schroeder!


Which Peanuts Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Anticipation

I'm very excited about 2 movies coming to the big screen this month & next...

November 18 - Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire

December 9 - The Chronicles of Narnia - The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe

See ya at the movies :)

It's a girl!

My sister welcomed a baby girl to their family this morning. All 8 lbs, 2 ounces, 20'' of her. Evidently she's got lots of black hair too :) Mom & baby are doing great. I will add a picture to my blog when I get some. Wish I could be there to hold her & breathe in that newborn smell :) It just can't get any more perfect, sacred & holy than that. I can't wait to meet you baby girl!

Back to the bookstore

So I'm back working at barnes & noble. Part-time temp work for the holidays. I start next Monday, Nov. 14 Will be good to be bringing in some more income.

I've been working out every other day for a week now. I'm really feeling good about it. Sometimes I even look forward to my workouts! I'm determined for this to last... this time.

We are painting our counseling office. We're sick of the dirty white walls. So we put a first coat on tonight & hope to finish the job on Saturday. It's a nice soothing color. I'm excited to be fixing up our office. Makes our business feel more real, more legit, more professional. We're praying every day that God will send us more clients. And I pray that God will help me to do the work He's called me to do. I love the counseling aspect of it but the marketing and networking I'm so bad at! Perhaps that's God's intention - it puts me in a place where I truly need Him, But still, I fight it and deny it and try to prove otherwise. {Sigh} Why do I fight against someone who's so FOR me?

Gender Identity Issues

I hate shopping for clothes! Today, I spent the afternoon trying to use up a bunch of gift cards - usually a wonderful thing - however, today it left me depressed & feeling like I must have a very strange-shaped body because nothing fit! Finally, after trying 3 stores & no luck, my mood quickly declining, I stopped in one final store. Walking by the men's section, several items caught my eye & I thought, why can't women's clothes look like that? But I continued on to the women's section & after several trips, back & forth to the dressing room, trying on clothes, requesting different sizes, peeling the clothes off my strange-shaped body & throwing them to the ground, a heap at my feet, feeling more depressed & hopeless, I left the dressing room, again walked thru the men's section & this time stopped & thought, well, why can't I wear men's clothes? I grabbed a few & headed back to the dressing room. The men's pants fit great & most importantly, in men's sizes, I'm considered pretty tiny :) So, as far as pants go, I'm sticking to men's clothes... just call me John.

Day 1

Day one of Operation Lose Weight... I drive to the Y, go to the locker room to change and realize, I forgot my running shoes. I have socks & my sandals. So much for running on the treadmill. Determined to get a workout, I still lift weights, in my socks, and head home to run around my neighborhood. Oh well, at least it was a beautiful day out. Next time, Jenna, remember the shoes! Talk about ambivalence!