MY ARTICHOKE

But for today...

2011-10-03T23:36:00.002-04:00

The kids are growing up right before my eyes. I look at Keagan now and see how tall he's becoming. And Skylar is wearing jeans now! :) For now I get to hold them and protect them but one by one as they continue to grow they will move away from me – toward independence, toward their interests, their friends, their dreams for this life. But for now, right now, I get to hold them. Every chance I get. So, I'll read to you your favorite book 5 times in a row, I'll say yes when you ask me to play with you, I'll listen attentively, I'll clean the bathroom several times a day cuz if I don't it smells like little boy pee; I'll sing to you more, rock you more, get down on the floor to play with you more; I'll take you back to bed over and over and over (but I still may get frustrated about that), and tuck you in each time "snug as a bug in a rug"; I'll listen to your favorite Backyardigans and Winnie the Pooh music when we're in the car together; I'll wrestle with you to get your teeth brushed; I'll get out of bed way earlier than I want to and go to bed way later than I want to, and come when you cry for me in the night, as many times as you need me. Because that's what it means to be your Mommy these days. And I am so grateful. Tomorrow I'll get to exercise more, write more, read more, sleep more, shower more, run errands alone, talk uninterrupted with loved ones, have some peace and quiet and a cleaner house. And tomorrow I will miss these sweet, busy, exhausting, messy, noisy, sacred, playful, frustrating, joyful, precious, some days, very long days.

4 years

2011-06-28T22:54:00.007-04:00

Happy birthday, my dear boy. You are four now, which means, your timeouts are now 4 minutes long... I say that because you can be quite naughty these days... overflowing sinks, flushing things down the toilet that are not meant for the toilet, sitting in the pantry with the door closed, eating treats, yelling to wake your sister, etc. We find you saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" a lot, though I don't think you quite understand the meaning of those words. And yet, at the same time, you are still our sweet, loving, giving boy... you love your sister so much and (for the most part) are so caring and gentle with her - wanting to give her lots of hugs and kisses and wanting to hold her (for just a couple minutes, then you're done...) and help with her bath and changing her diaper. And she just adores you. She loves watching you and you can make her laugh like no one else can.

Your imagination and creativity have really taken off this year - you are always talking about your imaginary friends and acting out the books we read. Every day you are suiting up to fight fires and riding your policeman motorcycle up the stairs upon waking in the morning. And you are so funny - the things you say... You fill our home with such laughter and joy and play and NOISE and MESS! You are always singing and dancing. It's pretty much the Deckert musical in our house...

What a dear, dear boy you are to us. Our first born. You took my breath away the morning you were born and they pulled you out of my belly and you are still taking my breath away today with your humor and your laugh and your play and creativity and your NOISE and when I hear your precious voice calling for me. You are becoming more confident and assertive around kids your age and though you still complain that you don't want to go to preschool, you usually burst through the door, into our house at the end of the day, saying what a great day you had at school.

You are so loved. You don't always let me hug and kiss you these days (often you want me to "steal" a hug and a kiss) but you still love the tickle monster and love to snuggle in mommy and daddy's bed in the morning to watch cartoons. And you love being home with Mommy and Daddy and your baby sister.

I am so proud and grateful to be your Momma. You will always, always have my heart. I've said it often and will say it again, I will never, ever stop loving you, no matter what. And you always say, "never ever? no matter what?" And you've just started saying to me, "I'll never stop loving you, Momma."

You are a delight, my son. Keep singing and dancing your way through life. love, love, love you.

The power of presence

2011-02-27T20:35:00.002-05:00

I was rocking my baby girl earlier this evening. She had been crying, overtired, having a hard time settling down. Rocking her was finally calming her. Her body was getting still and heavy against mine. I looked down, expecting to see her eyes closed, and was surprised to see them wide open! I was impatient, my mind racing with all the things I needed and wanted to do this evening - clean, conversations with Rob, check facebook, work on birth announcements, write thank you notes, eat cookies, read, etc. And yet here she was, still awake and yet so content, so relaxed just being rocked in my arms. How far away I've been from you, my little girl. When this is what matters. You are what matters. Right here and right now is the only place I need to be - want to be - for as long as you need it.

This week she is 6 weeks. Before I know it, she will be 6 months, 6 years, 16 years (Lord help me with the teenage years!) And I will long for these early weeks of rocking and holding and nursing and the warmth and closeness they provide for both of us. Looking down at my daughter again, this time her eyes were closed. But this time, I wasn't in a hurry to stop rocking her and put her to bed. What a gift to rock this warm, snuggly, relaxed little one. Another one that I have been entrusted with - with their life, their heart, their soul. I am reminded how important it is to be present with this little one, to allow her and our time together to affect me. To allow the rocking to calm me, silence my racing thoughts, and put me more in touch with the precious gift of right now. How important it is to give that to not only our children but to all of our loved ones, for as long as they need it.

Skylar Willow's birth story

2011-02-19T10:27:00.002-05:00

It's been a month since Skylar's birth. I am pain-free, and seemingly, recovered and healed from my 45 + hours of labor that ended in a C-section. Physically there only remains a scar from my incision. Mentally, emotionally, and psychologically, I'm just beginning to to process my daughter's birth...

I begin with gratitude. There's so much for me to be grateful for. I am grateful I got to go into labor on my own. After 41 ½ weeks, I didn't think it was EVER going to happen. It began around 3 a.m. on Sunday morning, January 16. After having weeks of braxton hicks, I knew this was the real deal. Keagan and Rob were asleep. The house was quiet and dark. I paced around the house, rocked in the chair my dad rocked me in when I was a baby. The same one I now rock and comfort my babies in. I ate. I prayed. Labor had begun and it was just baby and me in the wee hours of the morning. It was a peaceful time of anticipation. A beautiful way to begin.

Contractions continued to get more powerful and closer together. Rob's parents came to get Keagan around 9 a.m. and we headed to our dear friend Kelly's house in Grand Rapids who had opened her home to us to labor in until I was ready to go to the hospital. Being about 45 minutes from the hospital, I didn't want to be so far away and have to take a long car ride in the throes of intense labor. We headed to Kelly's house, about 10 minutes from the hospital, arriving around 10:30 a.m. I labored there all day.

We headed to the hospital around 11 p.m. I was 90 % effaced and 2 centimeters dilated. Only 2 centimeters! But I was happy to be almost fully effaced. All those hours at home and at Kelly's were not for naught. I was progressing.

I am so grateful for my husband and my doula Jen's presence while I was laboring at the hospital. Nurses came and went, checking the fetal monitor strapped to my stomach for baby's heartbeat and my contractions. I was able to wear a unit that allowed me to be up and around so I was grateful for that but it kept falling off and nurses kept coming in to reposition, fussing with me even during contractions. But it was Rob and Jen that got me through the pain – their hands, their words, their constant presence. I was afraid of being alone with the pain but the entire 45 hours, one or both of them were always with me.

By that evening, I was fully effaced and 5 centimeters dilated. But then I stopped progressing. Perhaps due to exhaustion? Perhaps due to baby's position? I guess I will never know for sure. Baby was doing fine, I was doing fine (getting 2nd 3rd 4th 5th winds) so my doctor would make suggestions (break waters, pitocin, c-section, etc) but he let me decide each next step I wanted to take. Mostly I wanted to wait and see. After a couple more hours of not only no progress but my contractions getting further apart, I decided to get pitocin to speed up the contractions and an epidural for some pain relief. I was looking forward to maybe a couple hours of rest. But despite the interventions, I was still not progressing. The doctor broke my waters and still no progress. Baby's head was not moving down further into the birth canal. Thinking back on it now, I wish I had thought to ask "why?" It never went further than the fact, well, you aren't progressing. I didn't think to ask, well, why and is there anything we can do about it. Was it the baby's position? Was it because her head was not dropping? So, around 1 a.m. I opted for the recommended C-section and I was at peace. After 45 hours of labor, it was time to meet my baby and hold her in my arms. Once I made the decision there was no turning back and I was excited to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I felt a tremendous amount of pressure as they pulled her out of my tummy. Then Rob said, "It's a girl!" She let out a wail and I was overjoyed that she was here and our laboring onto birth was finally finished. Although now, our laboring onto life has just begun...

Now, a month later, I'm still at peace with the c-section but as the fog of recovery and sleep deprivation is lifting there is sadness. Perhaps I needed to first physically recover from the birth before I could deal with recovering emotionally. My questions remain but not in a haunting way. I'm not dwelling on it but I allow myself some time to wonder and grieve and question... why did I labor so long? Why did I stop progressing? Was there anything else I could have done? Knowing there probably aren't any answers. Knowing how the length of labor at that point was affecting all of us. So I ended where I began – so grateful. Grateful to have a beautiful, healthy daughter, in my arms as I write this. That's probably how every great story is lived out – with a mixture of excitement, anticipation, hope, trial and labor, tears and blood, disappointment, peace, wonder, questioning, sadness, gratitude, beauty, joy, and new life.

Welcome to our family, Skylar Willow. Mommy, daddy and big brother Keagan are delighted you are FINALLY here!

Trusting

2011-01-13T11:17:00.003-05:00

Today marks 6 days beyond my due date. I am grateful to friends and family who have shared with me their birth stories of perfectly healthy late arrivals, despite my doctor saying I have now entered into “non-standard care” because I am late and not having a C-section.

It feels unreal that this is ever going to happen. Hospital bag is packed. Keagan's bag is packed to stay with his G & Pop Pop. And realistically I know that baby won't stay in my belly forever. At some point here, very soon, I will no longer be pregnant and perhaps this will be my last pregnancy. While I'm eager to meet our son or daughter, I am content to still be pregnant. I am grateful that I am feeling so well, even to the end here. Sure, I'm not sleeping very well and am feeling uncomfortable, but all in all, I am doing well. So it is fear that causes me to worry as each day passes beyond my due date and baby has not come yet. Fear that my body is failing me and I'll end up having to have a C-section. Fear that I will lose the baby the longer he/she is in my belly. Fear that I have to consciously not allow to get out of control. Fear that I am fighting with peace and trust. I know that this is a precious time right now that I won't ever have back and I don't want to miss out because I am eager to get on to what's next. So I remind myself to trust – trust that my baby knows when he/she is ready to be born. Trust that the birth process can be a gradual one and that I've already entered into it by having these stop and start contractions for a week now. Trust that despite my doctor saying there's nothing going on because I don't have any dilation yet, and the baby's head should be in the birth canal by now, in actuality, my body has been doing a tremendous amount of preparing this past week. Trust that my body knows what to do and in fact, is already doing it and will continue to until my baby is born. Trust that my baby will be fine and while it's good to continue to monitor the baby to ensure that my womb continues to be a good environment for baby, I don't need to be frightened by my doctor's scare tactics.

So I wait and rest and enjoy my family today for I don't know what tomorrow brings. Today I am grateful to be pregnant... to be "still pregnant"

What I will miss about pregnancy

2011-01-13T11:10:00.002-05:00

1.my husband putting on my socks and shoes (and Keagan trying to help)
2.feeling the baby move
3.not worrying about my weight for 9 months
4.sleeping with 4 pillows while my husband gets 1
5.After pregnancy, it won't be so cute for Keagan to tell me that I have a big belly...
6.wearing a t-shirt in the winter (great time of year to be pregnant!)
7.cute comfortable maternity clothes
8.Not feeling guilty about resting
9.freaking miracle that a human is growing inside of me!!!!
10.the gallons and gallons of milk I go through (Rob will not miss this). I drank so much milk when pregnant with Keagan as well.
11.Feeling my body preparing for birth (didn't experience any labor with Keagan as he was a scheduled C-section a week before his due date)
12.this precious time of peace, stillness, anticipation and putting the world on hold for a bit

Past and Present

2009-08-15T21:16:00.002-04:00

I used to be...

a gymnast

a runner

desperate

searching

passionate

holding on

at arms length

fearful

unseen beauty

a storyteller

manipulative

demanding

hungry

thin

sad

stuck in the past

expressive

a dancer

intense

clutching

Now I am...

coming out from hiding

hopeful

becoming

at peace

a runner starting over

a writer whose words have been unread for too long now

losing weight

fearful of the final finish line

forever changed by the birth of my son

a mother: a role that can never be undone but sometimes leaves me feeling undone

grateful

missing

envious

looking forward

a photographer

blessed

dancing with a limp

a counselor

deep

letting go

little hands, big heart

2009-07-27T21:08:00.006-04:00

I dropped Keagan off at his G & Pop Pop's this morning on my way to work. As I'm driving away I look back at the front door and there is my son watching me leave - waving to me, blowing me kisses. He's not crying. He's not sad. He's just saying goodbye. And I know that when he can't see me anymore he will be perfectly happy and will just go back to playing with his beloved grandparents. But in that moment, at the door, as I wave back to him and blow kisses back to him, I realize how much I MATTER to my son. Not only does he hold my Momma heart in his hands, I hold his little boy heart in my hands. This love between my son and I is like nothing I've ever experienced before. It's both terrifying and awesome to be THAT important to another... This whole other who grew inside my tummy; who I had to let go after all those months, so he could be born and live and breath on his own. Every day since there is a letting go. But this morning... I got to hold on as we said goodbye. Such a heavy, precious weight his heart is in my hands.

Letting go and finding peace

2009-07-14T22:29:00.003-04:00

I remember feeling a definite shift in my heart as soon as I realized I was pregnant with our first child. For years I had struggled with living in the past and wanted to let it go and move on but still felt so tied to such disappointment, loss, regret, and lack of closure that left me agitated and restless. But then I became pregnant with Keagan and the past fell off my shoulders. My body was changing and preparing for this new life inside of me. My heart and my mind were preparing for this new life ahead of me. I became much more present-focused (my changing body and feeling the baby moving inside of me) and future-focused (I couldn't wait to see what my baby would look like and hold him in my arms.) Now my son is 2 years old and I haven't looked back. Not in such a way as to forget my past or to be unaffected by my past but I am open and willing for NOW to matter so much more and to take up so much more space in my heart. Perhaps becoming a mom and discovering this different kind of love I've never experienced before has freed my heart. It's freed my heart to love my husband more freely and fiercely as well. And as a result, I'm so much more full of life and content. Perhaps through time, I've also become more at peace with the past. Something I have learned - much like gratitude, healing, and forgiveness - peace can't be forced upon us. Rather - taken under our wing and protected.

Presence and Absence

2009-07-14T13:23:00.001-04:00

Last night, it's about 10 p.m., I'm laying in bed with a migraine and through the monitor I hear my 2 year old son singing, jumping, banging his crib against the wall. It's been over 2 hours and the poor little guy is having such a hard time falling asleep. It had been a very busy weekend with his birthday party Saturday and a car show with his daddy and G & Pop Pop on Sunday. He's not crying so I don't want to go into his room and make it worse. But the thought occurs to me to pray. I know that God loves and cares for my son even more than I do. (Wow, imagine that kind of love...) How much has God protected my son, myself, and my husband from that we aren't even aware of? So I pray. I pray that God will lay his hands upon my son and calm him & settle him so his restless little body can get the sleep it so desperately needs. And as I'm praying, my son goes quiet and still. And I don't hear another peep through the monitor until 8 a.m.

I don't know what to make of that and yet I know my God can be that present. I also know that I've experienced God as being more absent than present. After I pray for my son, I pray for myself that God will lay his hands upon my head and heal my migraine. But I get no relief. Perhaps it's more important for me to be resting right now and I know, if it weren't for this migraine, I wouldn't be resting. I'd be up late into the night cleaning or reading or editing photos or most likely, on Facebook. I know this is what my body is truly needing right now and I don't always heed that unless I'm forced to. Therefore, here I am, with a migraine. I sigh and settle into a long night with a cold washcloth on my forehead. And then I feel a warm hand cradle the top of my head. It's so real, so comforting, I almost cry out. And then it's gone. And isn't that just the way it is with God? As if to say, I'm not always going to take your pain away, but I am here. Sometimes that's enough. Sometimes it's not. 7 years ago, I prayed God would lay his hands on my father and heal him as he lay paralyzed, unable to speak, dying from brain tumors. I imagine my dad did feel God's hands upon his broken body. I know because my dad was at peace. Yes, there were nights he woke up hyperventilating; he cried in pain, frustration, regret and deep sadness. But in the end, I know he was at peace. He was ready, no, he was eager to be with his Healer. I will not take this away, but I am here.

What's next?

2009-01-05T15:56:00.001-05:00

Lately I've been feeling restless and uneasy. I'm beginning to feel like I'm just floating along in this life, with no real direction, or purpose or concrete goals that I'm working towards. It's very easy to get caught up in Keagan's daily routines and in his constant needs that weeks/months pass and I look back and find that I am beginning to fade. It's easy to get caught up in other people's stories so much that I'm not living out my own. That has been a struggle for me all my life. Lately I've gotten lazy and disorganized. These are my biggest stumbling blocks these days. So I'm taking some time to think, to organize, to dream. I've been floating along for too long now. I need to dive in and see what's next.

It goes by so fast

2008-09-03T22:28:00.004-04:00

Today I was thinking, I really want to SAVOR this time with my son, for it goes by so fast. There will be a day when he'll be in school all day or he'll be away playing with friends rather than home with Momma. There will be a day when he won't need me in the middle of the night, for a burp, for a drink, for a snuggle. There will be a day when I won't be able to rock him, take his picture (ALL the time!), read him books, push him in the stroller. There will be days when he won't like me so much and won't want to spend the afternoon blowing bubbles, dancing together in the living room, or not doing much of anything but just BEING TOGETHER. My kisses will embarrass him and under NO circumstances will I be allowed in his bedroom. It'll be here before I know it. So today, I am SOAKING up this precious time, for it goes by so fast.

a mother's birthday

2008-08-21T21:28:00.006-04:00

So I woke up kinda grumpy on my 32nd birthday this morning. What kind of birthday can I have as mother of a one year old? Last year was different; Keagan was only 2 months old and I was still in the newborn-honeymoon-stage. But now it's a year later and while I love my son to pieces, I just wanted a day off for my birthday. I kept asking my husband - don't they have "take your child to work" days? No, I guess it wouldn't be appropriate for Rob to have his toddler with him while he's counseling addicts and felons (he's a rehab counselor). Well, if I can't have the day off for my birthday, I'll try to reason with my son... Keagan, it's my birthday, you're supposed to lie still when I change your diaper; Keagan, it's my birthday, you're not supposed to throw your breakfast all over the kitchen floor and walls. Keagan, didn't Daddy give you the memo? It's my birthday, you're supposed to go right down for your nap, no fuss. I even tried to reason with the kitties... no, Frankie, I'm not letting you outside, which he responded with, "meow, meow, meow, meow, meow" on and on and on and on and annoyingly on until finally I gave in and let him out and told him, "fine, go out, run and frolic and eat grass til you puke but you better not get hit by a car because I don't want a dead cat on my birthday. And while you're out, poop outside because it's my birthday and I don't want to clean the litter box on my birthday.

But as the day went on, something happened inside of me. Rocking my son, reading him books, and holding his snuggly warm body against mine, I thought, what more could I possibly want for my birthday? After Keagan's nap I put on my favorite tunes and we danced and danced and danced in the living room. Keagan giggled and I sang and we swayed and twirled and b-bopped (and Keagan burped LOUDLY) until I was too tired to go on. When have I had a dance partner so delighted in me? This is joy.

So tomorrow afternoon, after work, I get some time off. I'm going to Barnes and Noble and getting a yummy treat at the cafe and buying some books for my birthday. I'm really looking forward to it. But I also know, it will be nice to come home to my husband and son. They're the best parts about me. And I'm grateful.

Fear and loss

2008-03-06T23:08:00.007-05:00

A woman from my grad school died on Monday. She died from a brain aneurysm. Her name was Allyson Thrift and she was days away from turning 34. I didn't know Allyson, as she graduated several years after I did, yet I am deeply affected by her death. Especially by the way she died. Would I feel differently if she had died from a car crash or from an illness? I don't know. A brain aneurysm is so scary to me. Any death is devastating, whether it's sudden or a ticking clock. But this kind of death stirs up a lot of fear in me. It's so random, so sudden, and I fear a similar fate.

I am afraid to die. I'm even afraid to write about this for fear this will be some ironic last post people will read after I'm gone. But I'm not superstitious and in writing this down, I hope I will be able to quiet my mind long enough so I can fall asleep tonight. In dying, I'm not so much afraid of where I'm going but what I'm leaving. Ever since Keagan was born, I've been afraid that something is going to happen to me and Keagan will be motherless; that I'll be taken from him before he'll be able to know me or remember me. Since my dad died almost five years ago, I've been afraid that other loved ones will be taken from me. Now that I have a son, there's been a shift for me. Yes I fear that I will lose Keagan or Rob or other family or friends. But for the first time, I fear that I will be taken away.

Death seems so random. Why Allyson? Why my dad? Why someone else's dad or child or sibling? I want death to be logical - you get lung cancer because you smoke. Then there's something I can do about it - I won't smoke. I want control over death - if I eat healthy and exercise, get plenty of sleep, don't get too stressed and wear my seat belt I will be safe. But it doesn't work that way. Death overtakes the healthy and unhealthy, the young and the old and everyone in between. I feel powerless to death. My time will come when it will come. And being God's beloved doesn't give me much comfort. He took my dad. He could take my husband or my son. He could take me. He heals some and not others. Who knows why. Every night I lay my hands on my sleeping husband and my sleeping son and beg God, "please, please protect them - body and mind and heart and soul. Please don't take them from me. Please don't take me from them." I need help to live, without this weight of death on my shoulders.

As a therapist, I have clients who want to die. (Or perhaps better said, see that as their only way out of the tremendous pain they're in.) I have other clients who are afraid to live - really live - in fear of change, pain, loss. This is my struggle as well. And yet, I am so blessed to be in the midst of so much life - my 8 month old son is so full of life! Everyday he teaches me how it is to truly live - without fear, fully engaged and present in each moment, giving his all in everything he does whether it's fighting sleep or trying to crawl or laughing in delight over the kitties or playing and splashing in the bath. He is fully alive in body and spirit and heart and mind. I want that always for him.

My heart goes out to Allyson's family and friends. How devastating. May I live - truly live - with freedom and passion - until it's my time to die. And I will continue to lay my hands on my family and beg God every day.

My conception story (don't worry, it's rated PG)

2008-01-10T22:04:00.000-05:00

No one likes to admit that their parents have sex. I'm not sure why but it's a squeamish topic. Like my brother, who chooses to believe that our parents had sex only 5 times in their 30+ year marriage - one time to create each of us kids and one miscarriage. Anymore than that and he has to dissociate and go to his happy place...
(hee hee, love you bro!) :)

I have no idea how my mom and I got onto this topic but she shared with me my conception story the other day. It's such a cool story, I wanted to blog it.

I am the youngest in my family with quite a big age gap between my siblings and myself. My oldest brother and I are 12 years apart, my next brother and I are 10 years apart and my sister and I are 6 years apart. So, I guess you could say, I was unexpected. Welcomed and delighted in, but a "surprise". My mom was 34 years old (believed to be "at risk" back then to be having a baby that "old") and while she had wanted another girl she was happy to have my sister and no plans were made for more kids. God had other plans (I'm so glad!)

My dad had been away on a business trip and called my mom from the airport to tell her that he was on his way home, a day early. A neighbor lady was over for coffee, visiting with my mom and when she heard that Bill was on his way home she stood up, gathered her things to leave and said, "I'm going home right now to pray that you become pregnant tonight!" (She had 7 children herself and really wanted my mom and dad to have more kids.)

Well, my mom is a believer in the power of prayer and her and my dad hadn't discussed the possibility of having more kids. She didn't want to be doing anything behind my dad's back so she doubled up on protection that night. And that night I was conceived. If my dad had come home the next night as planned, who knows... if birth control had been more reliable back then, who knows... I mean come on, I got through two forms of protection! I was determined!

Thanks Mom, for sharing that story with me. It has powerfully affected me. I was prayed into existence. I am meant to be here. I'm even willing to admit my parents had sex to know that story :)

6 months!

2008-01-07T21:51:00.000-05:00

Keagan turned 6 months on Christmas Day. I can't believe how fast time is flying. We had a great trip to PA to visit Rob's family over Christmas. Keagan's first plane trip went really good - that was a relief. You just never know...

Our good friend Kelly Powers spent some time with us taking pictures of our happy little family. She is so talented and takes such beautiful pictures. It was such a gift to us to have her take pictures. Here's a couple of ones she took...

If you're in the West Michigan area and want to hire her to take your pictures here's her website to contact her and to see more samples of her work... http://kellypowers.smugmug.com/

We started Keagan on solids this week. He's definitely getting more on him than in him these days but it's a lot of fun... here's some fun shots I took...

I am loving my life as Keagan's mommy. Everyday I just can't believe that he's actually my son. He's a strong-willed child that's for sure... I can already see we're going to have some challenging days ahead when he's a bit older, but then we did give him an Irish name that means "fiery" so we have no one but ourselves to blame! :) It is truly interesting how that happened though - I fell in love with that name while I was pregnant when I saw it in a magazine. I had no idea who this dear boy was inside of me (although I did have a clue he'd be very active with how active he was inside of me!) And yet the name fits. Pretty cool.

Sorry it's been so long since I've blogged. I've never been good with organizing my time and with Keagan it's even harder! But that's something I want to get better at this year. I love having a new year ahead of me and the hope and inspiration that gives me. Blessings to you my blogger friends. Thanks for reading.

Keagan is 12 weeks old!

2007-09-19T01:34:00.001-04:00

Keagan Willem

2007-07-15T18:01:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow our baby boy will be 3 weeks old! I love being a mom and am so in love with baby Keagan. Let me tell you a little about him...

He was born Monday, June 25 at 8:57 a.m. by C-section. C-section wasn't as bad as I had feared. My recovery has been really quick which I'm so grateful for. Keagan was 10 pounds, 20.5 inches so I agree, C-section was best. He surpassed his daddy who was 9 pounds 9 ounces. Keagan has a lot of black hair (just like his mommy was when she was born) and a dimple in his chin (passed down from his Grandpa Elzinga). His hair seems to be getting lighter now though & maybe a little reddish? That would be cool. He loves his momma's boob juice and hates to have his diaper changed. He sleeps a lot (not as much at night) and poops a lot. He's very alert and likes to look at everything going on around him. He loves to suck on his fists & hopefully he'll follow in his momma's footsteps & suck his fingers or thumb. (I must have had a strong sucking urge too because I sucked my fingers until I was 12 years old! No, I'm not ashamed to share that...) So far he seems to be a pretty happy & content baby (except when he's having gas issues). I feel so blessed to have him. He brings me to my knees before my Father more than anything else ever has. Everything I had to go through in pregnancy, in delivering him, in these past few weeks of recovering has been so worth it to have this precious peanut in our life. I am in awe of the whole thing.

Pregnancy rollercoaster continues...

2007-05-29T14:54:00.000-04:00

Lots been going on with my pregnancy in the past couple weeks. I've been having constant pain in my inner thigh for over a week now. I had an ultrasound and they didn't find any blood clots or deep vein thrombosis. That's a good thing but in the meantime, they don't know what it is (possibly varicose veins?) It's extremely tender and achy and throbbing. Basically it's no fun and I haven't found any relief yet. It just may be this way until I deliver, which is of huge concern to me regarding labor and delivery. All those wonderful labor positions I've been working on I can no longer do - I can't bend my leg, I can't squat, I can't get on all fours; it hurts to sit, to lay on my side with my legs touching... so how am I supposed to deliver a baby?

Speaking of delivering this big boy of ours... my midwife is having me do a consult next week with the Dr. she is under. Baby continues to measure big and therefore this is an "at risk" pregnancy. She had me do another ultrasound... the first ultrasound they measured the baby at 6.5 lbs; a week and a half later I had another ultrasound and he measured at 8.5 lbs, which proves to me how inaccurate the test is! How can a baby gain 2 pounds in less than 2 weeks, and wouldn't I also have had to gain more than 2 pounds during that time period?
They also are testing me again for gestational diabetes to see if that is a factor for baby's "bigness". I took the test this morning and haven't gotten the results yet.
So next week, Rob & I meet with the dr., she's going to gather all my info from my ultrasounds, from my diabetes test and do a pelvic exam and my midwife said not to be surprised if she recommends a C-section.
At this point, Rob & I are shooting for a vaginal delivery; we at least want a chance for me to begin laboring and then if I can't or if there's a medically necessary reason why I can't, then we'll go for a C-section. (please God, no) I'm trying to emotionally and mentally prepare myself ahead of time for it but so far, I'm not ok with it.
Rob and I are getting anxious for baby boo to come out... mostly so I won't have to be induced and he could come naturally. I feel like, the closer we get to my due date, the doctor is going to pressure me for induction or a C-section.
I'm so attuned to my body and waiting for any little sign that labor may be near, but reality is, I'm still a month away from my due date and he could come late.
I'm still trusting that baby will come when he's supposed to come and really, I don't have much say in the matter if I want him to come on his own. But I feel abandoned by my midwife and very disappointed that she seems to be passing me off to the dr. and that she will not support me if I decide to go against doctor's wishes for a C-section. This is the very reason I went with a midwife. Maybe her hands are tied and legally she has no choice. And if there was a medical reason for all of this (like if my gestational diabetes test comes back positive) than that's a different story. But no longer working with me because tests that are reliable 50% of the time are saying I'm having a "too big" baby doesn't seem fair to me; that seems contrary to what midwifery is all about.
Well, here I go again, writing a very long post. Thanks for reading. Please keep us in your prayers.

First Wash

2007-05-17T16:06:00.000-04:00

Grumpy Bear

2007-05-14T21:02:00.000-04:00

So I'm in a bit of a bad mood today. 33 weeks pregnant and I'm no longer enjoying this "renting my belly out for living space". I had no idea it would include such major home renovations. I'm uncomfortable 24/7 no matter if I'm walking or sitting or laying down. My hands and feet and legs are swollen, my back aches, my pelvis hurts, I see stars when I stand up... and to top it all off, I can't even find relief in complaining because I feel guilty for complaining. I love my precious baby boo. He can't help any of this... (nor can my husband help any of this and yet I'm afraid I've been taking it out on him a bit today... He made the mistake of saying something about how difficult the delivery turns out to be isn't as important as having a healthy baby, blah blah blah... or at least that's what I heard and I got all mad and said something about him having no right to say anything about the "discomfort" of labor or delivery when I'm going to be doing all the work. Of course I shared this with him in a very loving tone. Thinking back on it, our conversation made me feel alone... like when it comes down to it, I have to get this baby out by myself. No one else can do it for me. Yes, there will be people there to support me - wonderful people which i am so grateful for - but it will be my body doing the work and feeling the pain and I just don't know if I'm up for it. I felt more confident in 2nd trimester when I was feeling better. How am I supposed to get through the labor and delivery when I'm feeling so physically uncomfortable and achy? And baby has so much more growing to do... I'm still 7 weeks away from my due date.)

I think I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed as well. Baby could come now, he could come in a month, he could come in two months... or more... There's lots to do but I feel like I can only do a little at a time before I get too tired or my back starts hurting or any of my other random body parts start aching and swelling.

This "grumpy moodiness" all began with an ultrasound I had this morning. On one hand, it was a wonderful experience. I loved seeing my baby - he looks great – all ten toes and fingers; strong, steady heartbeat; a head of hair, chubby cheeks and a round belly (like his momma). The tech measured him and calculated he's about 6 ½ pounds (at 33 weeks, average for baby's weight is 4 ½ pounds). Not new news, I've known all along he's going to be a big boy. The tech said he'll most likely gain a ½ pound/week til he's due which puts him as a 10 + pound baby for delivery. I know what's important is having a healthy baby but to be honest, why do I have to have such a big baby? Why me? I was of average size when I was born. Rob on the other hand was 9 pounds 9 ounces. But I can't be angry at him because of that. He couldn't help it. I feel guilty for saying that I want a nice “normal” size baby. I should be grateful he's so healthy...

The ultrasound tech doesn't believe that my due date (July 1) is necessarily wrong but that most likely they will not let baby boo come that late. I like the idea of not having to be pregnant until July 1 (or after). But I don't like the idea of being induced. Who knows, maybe he'll come early on his own... before he reaches 10 pounds. But I'm worried that he won't. I'm worried that he's loving it in my belly and will be in no hurry to get out. I'm scared of the idea of being induced and all the interventions that often leads to... induction causing labor pains to come on so strong and so fast that I need to have an epideral... which means I can't be upright during labor which slows down labor, which often leads to C-section, etc...
My childbirth educator lead me to some research about the accuracy of estimating fetal weight through an ultrasound. (or more like inaccuracy). Research shows that in the third trimester, it's only about 50% accurate and yet from these predictions, women can be strongly pressured to have a C-section or be induced or other such interventions. For example, when the baby is predicted to be 'big,' the doctors often induce labor early in the mistaken belief that this will be more likely to result in vaginal birth. The opposite tends to be the case, in many cases, induction strongly raises the chance of a cesarean. Numerous studies have concluded that the best plan is not to induce labor or to have an elective cesarean. The research made me feel better. I allowed the ultrasound results to cause me to doubt myself and my body but the research helped me to stay strong and trust this pregnancy process.

I guess this is what they call "pregnancy moods". One day someone tells me I look fabulous pregnant and how cute I am and I feel beautiful and radiant and walk tall with pride. The next day I have an ultrasound where the tech predicts that I'm going to have such a “big” baby and I feel ashamed and huge and want to hide. Is this because I stopped running years ago and gained weight? Is this because I'm so out of shape? I wonder how much of this weight I'm carrying is shame.

I see my midwife next week and I look forward to hearing what she has to say about the ultrasound results. I just need to keep telling myself to trust my body, trust this baby and trust God. He knows my heart; He knows my fears. I won't let anyone turn me against my own body. Baby is as he's supposed to be... even if that means he's destined to become a baby sumo wrestler.

I love my tummy!

2007-04-30T21:16:00.000-04:00

31 weeks and I feel like my tummy is bigger and lower than last week. I've been trying to get out and take walks. It's definitely different than 2nd trimester exercising. I have to walk slower and shorter distances and I'm quickly breathing harder. But I know walking is good so I will try and keep it up for the next couple months. And stretching feels so good - my back so quickly tightens up so the stretching really helps.

Rob painted the baby's room this past weekend. We love the color (light blue). I will take pictures once we have the room set up. I'm so excited to get it set up! That's going to make it all the more real. We're actually going to have a baby... we're going to have a son... we're going to be a mom and a dad! It still blows my mind when I think about it. There's a little baby inside of me and soon he will decide to come out and I already feel sad about that. I can't wait to meet him and see what he looks like and hold him in my arms, but I also will miss having him inside me. I guess the letting go process begins already from Day 1 outside the womb.

Third Trimester Belly

2007-04-25T18:45:00.000-04:00

Two months to go and baby boy boo is growing growing growing. Saw midwife today and baby grew 2.5 inches in last 3 weeks. Mommy is a bit more tired, more hungry and more emotional these days but baby is doing great. He is so active in my belly. I love feeling him kick and jab and roll around. My body is starting to get a bit more uncomfortable these days but I'm still so grateful to be pregnant and to be on this amazing journey.

It's not time for you yet baby boy boo! Stay in there!

2007-03-28T15:09:00.000-04:00

I had a bit of a scare this past weekend. Sunday, after a long walk with Rob (perhaps too long of a walk) I had some cramping and bleeding. Upon resting, the symptoms went away and I haven't had any since. I guess I overdid things a bit. I've been taking it easy this week... fighting a cold too. One really cool thing from it all is how well I was able to take it... I thought with something scary like that I'd be real anxious but I was calm. And Rob was calm. I just listened to my body and my body told me to rest. So I did. Baby boo is teaching me how to listen and pay attention to my body - this body I haven't treated so well in the past - he's insisting I be kind to this haven of his.

I'm feeling more and more like I'm going to be okay for this labor and delivery thing I've got coming up here in a few months. I can do it. My baby can do it. My body can do it. I don't know what's ahead but right now I'm excited and calm.

Week 22

2007-03-03T12:47:00.001-05:00

Rob and I have been working out at the Y this week and it feels really good! It's good to have the energy and to know that what I'm doing is good for me, good for the baby and good prep for labor/delivery.
We start childbirth classes this week. Here's the link to read about our instructor and the classes... www.informedbirthchoices.com
I'm looking forward to getting started.
I've been feeling the baby kick this week! It's so cool! Except when he kicked my bladder the other night and sent me running to the bathroom! That was not cool. Other than that, I am loving it!
I continue to have strange dreams... like last night, I dreamed I was cradling our 20 lb cat, Oliver, and feeding him milk from a bottle. I'm not sure but he might have been dressed in baby clothes and a bonnet. Boy it's fun to be pregnant!

Pecker Deckert

2007-02-13T12:38:00.000-05:00

We had an ultrasound on Friday. It was such a fun experience! It took about an hour to figure out the gender - the umbilical cord kept getting in the way. But then we got a clear shot and I blurted out, "That's not a penis is it?" "Yes it is," the technician said. "Our baby has a penis?" "A penis?" I just couldn't stop saying it! I guess that was my way of dealing with the shock. All along we've been thinking it's a girl but no, it has a penis! But there was no denying it, there it was. All weekend long I kept saying to friends, family, and strangers - "it has a penis!" So yes, we're having a boy and I'm actually very excited to be having a boy now that I know. It's good to know for sure. (And how often do I get to talk about penises?)

The ultrasound is such an amazing experience... we could actually see this hidden mysterious baby inside of me. I haven't felt his movements yet - my midwife said it's because my placenta is in front and so when the baby is moving and kicking, he's hitting the placenta so I can't feel it. Once he gets bigger and his movements get bigger, I'll be able to feel it through the placenta. I can't wait! But it was such a relief to see the baby so active in the ultrasound. He was arching his back and kicking and moving his arms. From start to finish he went from horizontal to vertical. It was such a great experience. Everything looks perfect - he's healthy and growing like a champ! Thank you God!

So yes, our baby is a boy and therefore, has a penis. Hopefully, at some point in the near future, mommy will get over how fun it is to say that!

Strange Season

2007-01-20T15:33:00.000-05:00

What a strange season this is for me. Four months pregnant and I am preparing for what will most likely be the most important role of my life. So much change is going on inside of me – in my womb, in my heart, in my mind, in my spirit. And yet this has been such a season of solitude, rest, and quiet. I don't think I'll ever have another season like it once Baby Boo is born.

First trimester is over and the weeks are going faster now. I can't believe I'm at 17 weeks already! I feel less anxious about miscarriage or whether Baby Boo will be healthy. I'm beginning to show more now and feel such a sense of pride and joy in that.

This life is growing inside of me and its given me a whole new perspective of my body. Up until now, I've wanted nothing but to hide my body in shame and fear and disgust. Now I carry my body with pride. My body is full of life. I love being pregnant. I'm so thankful that God has called me to be a mother.

I've noticed another huge change within me since I found out I was pregnant... it's like my past has fallen away from me. Not forgotten, no, never forgotten, nor does it need to be. But for so long, my past has been this heavy chain I drag with me. Then I became pregnant and suddenly the chain broke. I've been so past-oriented and now Baby Boo has turned me towards the future. I'm so grateful for that.

Here I am!

2007-01-09T17:30:00.000-05:00

So I've hit the 15 weeks mark, which, I hear from several women that was the magic week for them where they started feeling better. I'm still pretty tired and nauseous throughout the day. Will I feel this way my whole pregnancy?
I attempted a pregnancy yoga/pilates video today and couldn't make it through. I took a walk instead this afternoon - it was bitter cold - but snow flakes were falling and it was quite beautiful.
I feel so out of shape and I know I have 6 more months but I'm worried I won't be "up for" a natural labor. I hope I start having more energy soon so I can get into better shape.

Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow!

2006-12-03T16:44:00.000-05:00

It's been snowing off and on the last couple days and I'm loving it. As soon as December arrived, the snow came and now it feels more like the holiday season. Today for the first time I'm not feeling so exhausted. I'm still feeling nauseous every now and then but I'm getting more energy back. It's a good feeling. I should only have a few more weeks til 2nd trimester! It still feels like it's going so slow. I feel like I've been stuck at 9 weeks for the past month! I know that's not true but I'm just so excited to start showing and to find out if we're having a boy or a girl and to feel the baby's movement inside of me. But I'm reminding myself what an amazing gift this time is - time to prepare and dream and anticipate and hope. This has been a spiritual time for me. I feel so utterly dependent on God for the health and protection of our baby. So much of my prayer time lately has felt like begging with God. Please don't let me miscarry; please keep this baby safe & healthy; please let me be able to deliver this baby naturally and not have to get a C-section, etc. I wonder how He will be changing my heart (and my prayers) through these remaining 7 months. Rob said something the other day that I really liked - he said that having a baby can bring us more in touch with our hearts and more in touch with our God. I like that and want that to be true. May that be the prayer of my heart no matter what is around the corner these next 7 months. When you want something so bad, it's scary to feel so vulnerable and dependent on God. I pray for peace and trust in my heart. I pray that I will truly believe that He is GOOD, no matter what. That's been a struggle in my heart for many years now.

Thanksgiving

2006-11-24T13:16:00.000-05:00

Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Food all day? It's a pregnant woman's dream! Frankie & Oliver had fun too!

Boy or Girl?

2006-11-15T14:23:00.000-05:00

Another week has passed & I'm so grateful to still be pregnant. I keep having miscarriage dreams! They're awful & I'm sobbing in my dreams & wake afraid I really did have a miscarriage. But then I'm so relieved to realize it was only a dream. I guess I'm getting out my fears through those dreams. They're going to come out one way or another. So this week I am 7 weeks along and still very tired and my morning sickness has gotten a bit worse. 4 1/2 weeks left of internship; 6 more weeks of first trimester. I can't wait to be finished both! I'm hoping when 2nd trimester rolls around I'll be less fearful of losing baby boo and feeling less sick. That's what I hear happens for most so I'm looking forward to that. I'm also looking forward to finding out if baby boo is a girl or a boy. I guess we'll be able to find that out around week 20. So, my faithful blog-reading friends & family, we'd love to hear some name suggestions. What should we name our baby boo?

Baby boo

2006-11-08T13:21:00.000-05:00

We are having a baby! I am so excited. I can't believe this is actually real. I'm 6 weeks & things are going along good. I am tired & nauseous and that is good! Everything is as it should be. I haven't been very emotional although I'm more anxious than usual - I'm worried I'm going to lose this precious baby who at this point is only as big as a pinto bean. I can't feel you, I can't see you, I can't hear you but I know you're there & I'm already attached to you. I didn't know how much I wanted this (how much I wanted you, little boo) until you were in my tummy. It's amazing how a little pinto bean changes everything.

Maine pictures

2006-09-10T18:30:00.000-04:00

Finally! Here's the pictures from our 4th of July vacation in Maine. We had a great time with Rob's parents...

http://deckert.shutterfly.com/action/

Enjoy!

cooking spree

2006-09-10T17:26:00.000-04:00

I went on a bit of a cooking spree this afternoon. I'm not much for cooking. I usually enjoy it once I get going but I don't "get going" very often. I don't feel like I'm very good at it and those things I'm not good at, I tend to shy away from. (Yes, I can be a bit of a perfectionist.) But come Fall, I'm more in the mood to cook and especially bake. Maybe because it's cooler outside so I like to be in the warm kitchen with the smells of breads and casseroles wafting through the whole house. There's something comforting about those baking smells.

Today was fun. I baked two loaves of chocolate chip zucchini bread, an apple-strawberry crisp, and a chicken zucchini casserole. Plus I have an 8-hour chili cooking in the crock pot. Yum Yum! But I saved the best for last: While I've been enjoying myself in the kitchen, my husband has been enjoying himself curled up on the sofa watching the Chicago Bears have a great game. But soon, very soon, my wonderful husband will be in the kitchen for cleanup and dishes duty (that he volunteered to do!) and I'll be curled up on the sofa with a good book! Actually, I think what my husband is trying to do is to get me cooking more often. It just might work.

Daytrip

2006-09-04T22:17:00.000-04:00

Hope you had a great Labor Day Weekend. Rob and I headed to Grand Rapids to enjoy the Frederik Meijer Gardens & Sculpture Park. Enjoy our pictures!

http://deckert.shutterfly.com/action/

The end of summer

2006-09-01T16:32:00.000-04:00

It's been a great summer. We had a fun trip to Maine with Rob's parents over the 4th of July week. The above picture was taken in Maine and it's one of my favorites! Stay tuned for a link to the rest of our pictures...
I had my birthday several weeks ago and so far I enjoy being 30! There's something refreshing and hopeful about having my 20's behind me. It was a great decade but it was also a tough decade. In my 20's I struggled to let go of an eating disorder. In my 20's I pushed love away. In my 20's I let go of unhealthy relationships. In my 20's I moved from Maryland to Seattle for grad school. In my 20's I went through life-changing experiences at Mars Hill Grad School. In my 20's I met my husband. In my 20's my dad died. In my 20's my childhood home was sold. In my 20's I received my Masters in Counseling. In my 20's I got married. In my 20's I moved to Michigan and built a counseling practice. In my 20's my husband and I bought our first home. In my 20's, I fell in love with 2 kittens. And now, I'm ready to soar into my 30's & discover all it has to offer me.
I have my counseling internship all lined up and actually, today, I'm finishing up my first week. 16 more to go. In some ways I'm counting down but I'm also excited about this internship and know it's going to be a great experience. And, come January I'll be a licensed counselor in Michigan. That's going to feel really good. This fall will fly by I'm sure. But it's my favorite season and I'm happy to be entering into it. Bonfires, bundling up & walking on deserted beaches, hot drinks, pumpkins, drives up north to see the changing leaves... what are some of your favorites about the fall season?

The beach at night

2006-07-25T23:31:00.000-04:00

Tonight is beautiful. It's cool, breezy, quiet. It's one of those nights I want to walk on the beach. But I'm a woman and therefore do not feel safe strolling the beach alone at 11:30 at night. So I write, and feel the breeze coming through my window. My kittens sit on the windowsill, staring out longingly into the night as well.

I don't spend enough time at the beach - day or night. When I lived in Maryland, I used to drive 3 hours to the Ocean City beaches. Sometimes I'd go out and back in one day. I'd often just get in my car and drive. Not only to Ocean City but wherever; most times with no destination other than into my heart. That's what those drives to OC were all about. That's what walking on the beach is all about. So I guess I'm feeling a nudge to enter my heart tonight.

When I think about the beach and enter my heart, so many snapshots flash through my mind. Snapshots of longing and hope, play and fear, pain and regret. I'm a little girl on the Michigan shore. I'm a teenager at Ocean City. I'm a young adult looking out at Seattle's waterfront. I'm a newlywed, on the sandy beaches of the turquoise Caribbean waters. I'm a woman about to turn 30 back on the Michigan shore. But the little girl on the shore is laughing and splashing in the water. The woman only gets her feet wet and there's a self-consciousness about her that keeps her from the playful, lightheartedness of the girl. The years between them are only heavy for the woman because she is still carrying them.

Office photos

2006-06-30T22:22:00.000-04:00

Rob & I have a new counseling office. Last weekend we finished painting it and moving our furniture in. We're very happy with the results. Enjoy the pictures.

Pictures

2006-06-30T22:15:00.000-04:00

Oliver in all his manly glory

Our new kitty Frankie

My loving husband

Happy Anniversary to me!

cinema therapy II

2006-06-24T23:28:00.000-04:00

Movie # 2 for cinema therapy is shopgirl with Claire Danes & Steve Martin. It's a movie based on a novella written by Steve Martin. There were two lines in this movie that really struck a cord for me... Ray Porter (played by Steve Martin) says to Mirabelle Buttersfield (played by Claire Danes),

"I am sorry for how I treated you. I did love you."

Tears came to my eyes when I heard those words and I realized how much I have longed to hear those words from the "Ray Porters" in my life. It amazes me the power we have in something as simple as the words we can offer one another. And how healing they can be if we would just risk to say them.

Update

2006-06-23T15:27:00.000-04:00

So I've been finished with Barnes & Noble for 3 weeks now and I've already gained 3 new clients. Is that awesome confirmation or what? I'm so grateful for how God is blessing our counseling practice. It's taken us 2 years but now it's really taking off. There's always more networking and marketing to do but it's good to see that what we've been doing for the last 2 years is now starting to pay off.

Rob & I's 3-year anniversary is coming up next week. 3 years! It has flown by. Our anniversaries are all about celebrating & reminiscing & dreaming about the future so I'm excited about having that time with my husband. We're also joining Rob's parents in Maine the first week of July for a much anticipated vacation (and lots of lobster)! I've never been to Maine so I'm definitely looking forward to it.

So things are good. I'm letting that sink in.

cinema therapy

2006-06-14T23:51:00.000-04:00

Have you seen the movie Broken Flowers with Bill Murrey? It has stayed with me even though I saw it months ago. Bill's living the life of a bachelor in his 50's, living alone in a mansion, living off investments, living with one woman after another until the day his past catches up with him. He receives a letter in the mail, with no return address, from an unnamed ex-girlfriend. She writes to tell him that after their relationship was over, she discovered she was pregnant. She had a son - his son. He is a teenager now, starting to ask questions and on a quest to find his father. There are four ex's from that time period in his past who could have sent the letter. So Bill goes on a road trip, tracking down the four women, searching for clues as to which woman sent the letter and who his son is.

I feel drawn to this movie because there was such potential for redemption of the past. He had the chance to go back, an older man now, and set things right. Not that he was a changed man but it was the process of revisiting his past that changed him. There's something about the opportunity to revisit the past that stirs me deeply.

“We love whom we love not so much because of the future we hope to build but because of the past we hope to reclaim” - Lauren Slater Feb. '06 National Geographic This Thing Called Love

“The most beautiful thing about love – and the most difficult – is that it makes us go back to our unfinished places and relationships, and maybe, finish them.” Stephen Levine

summer lovin'

2006-05-27T19:20:00.000-04:00

We've added another kitty to the Deckert Love Shack.

I put in my two weeks notice at Barnes & Noble.

My heart is more alive than it has been in a long time.

3 months and counting...

2006-05-07T22:29:00.000-04:00

My husband's 30th birthday was on Friday. It got me thinking about my upcoming 30th birthday. As it was during a January post I wrote, the upcoming end of my 20's continues to be a great motivation for me. I thought I would be more afraid to turn 30, but I'm not; I'm not wishing I could hold onto my 20's and I'm not dreading getting older. Rather, I'm very motivated to get moving on building the life I want and becoming more and more the person I want to be. There are several things I want to accomplish by my 30th birthday...

1) lose 15 pounds
2) gain at least 3 new ongoing clients for my counseling practice
3) send in at least one piece of my writing for the possibility of publication (hopefully!)
4) quit my BN job (to move into a counseling job or make enough income from our counseling practice that I don't need an outside job)
5) have an internship lined up for the fall
6) be able to run seven miles (at this point, I can run one mile... I have a ways to go, but, I do have 106 days to get there)

So, there you have it, my goals for the remainder of my days as a 20-something. I'm excited to turn 30 and begin a whole new decade, thinner, healthier, in better physical shape & growing professionally... as well as growing in family size too: hopefully in my early 30's, God will bless us with a baby... or two... or however many God wants to entrust to us.

Hello 30, bring it on!

What's in a name - Part 2

2006-04-19T16:58:00.000-04:00

My sister-in-law left me a comment from my previous post but then deleted it because she wasn't sure how it would come across and was concerned about others reading it and thinking she was criticizing my words or that she would hurt me. Instead she emailed her comment to me and I wanted to share what she wrote because it was a good comment and it gave me a lot to think about. My SIL talked about the process of naming your child and how as a parent, the first gift you give your child is their name. She's been struggling with calling me "Jenna" rather than "Jen" out of respect to my parents who named me. This is part of the comment she left and then deleted...

"You know, I don't think I would change my name. For me, my name was the first gift my parents ever gave me. I know that they would be hurt if I said, "that is no longer my name" and I would feel as though I were dishonoring them. And as a mother I remember the exciting and serious process of selecting a name for each of my children, the prayerful consideration that went into each choice. To know that one day they would reject that precious first gift would be very painful. I would be sad if they decided to change their name. I would be more sad if they were deep inside unhappy with who they were regardless of whether they changed their name or not. Of course God gives us each a new name but we are his children too. And one day my daughters may get married and will exchange their last names for a new one as a symbol of honoring their husbands, but I hope they always love the names that we bestowed upon them. I knew a girl who grew up in an abusive past who changed her name too. And she was marking herself free from that heritage. My prayer is that my children so love their childhood, their parents and their good names that while none of those may be perfect, they wouldn't change the very things that shaped who they would become."

I love getting feedback and comments to my posts and really appreciated what she wrote. It gave me a lot to think about. I can see where she's coming from with "your name being a gift from your parents." Back in grad school when I was thinking about changing my name, I talked to my mom about it and asked her what she thought about me changing my name to "Jenna" and if she'd be hurt if I did that. She understood where I was coming from and wasn't hurt by it. If I had decided to change my name legally to Jenna, that would have bothered her more and I could see how that could be hurtful and rejecting of the name she and dad gave me. I don't know the name God will give me, but I do feel like when I was "renamed" Jenna, it was a God thing. My time in Seattle and at grad school was such a time of change and growth and healing. I wanted to mark that time somehow because I need to remember that season of my life. That experience is such a "set apart" time for me and I wanted to mark that. Some people get a major haircut to mark a change or they get a tattoo. For me, it was my name change. (A tattoo will come later).

I agree that what we're named by our parents is a gift. When I married Rob, I really struggled with giving up the Elzinga name because that was tied to my dad and with him gone, I wanted to hold onto that. But I also wanted to take on Rob's last name because I wanted to become one with him through that. Taking on his last name was a "leaving and cleaving" for me. So I decided to legally keep the E. initial as a way to remember and honor my dad and I kept my legal name "Jennifer". I wonder though if there comes a time when as a daughter or son you separate from your parents, taking with you all they have taught you, in order to become and grow into who you're meant to become. For me, that included my name change - something symbolic to mark that passage. Perhaps the passage of leaving mom and dad to prepare to marry Rob. For me, taking on "Jenna" is not a rejecting of what mom and dad named me but a moving forward to become who I'm meant to become. It's not meant to disrespect or reject Mom and Dad's gift and I know they knew that.

I don't know when Rob and I will be blessed with a baby but we're already starting to think of names we want to give our children. (So far we've come up with 3 possibilities of names we really like so that means we have to have at least 3 kids). I probably would be hurt if my child wanted to change their name but knowing the context would be important and what it means to them, why they want to change it, etc.

My SIL's comment made me think about why my mom and dad decided to name me Jennifer and I remembered that I was named after a neighbor girl who had died when she was 9. She had been born with heart problems. Her heart wasn't growing along with her body and she actually wasn't supposed to live for as long as she did but because she was very small-framed, she was able to live until she was 9. My mom had several names she liked and wasn't sure which one she ws going to choose. "Jennifer" was one of those names. She had been nervous about naming me after the neighbor girl for fear of hurting the girl's family but according to my mom, once I was born and they saw my face, they knew I was "Jennifer". I looked like a Jennifer so Jennifer it was. (That reminds me of one day when my Father in Heaven will look at my face and call me by His name for me. That's so cool to think about...)

All my life, I have believed that I was named after a girl who died as a child. And I have felt like with where my name came from, perhaps there was a part of my calling, a part of who I am that carries a weight to it. Perhaps there is a sense of sadness and loss due to being named after a girl who died at a young age. I am sensitive and intuitive and have deep emotions and carry the weight of who I am. But recently, I was talking to my mom about her naming process for me and it turns out, I wasn't named after this neighbor girl as a way to honor her life or carry on her torch or anything like that. Rather, "Jennifer" was the name my parents chose for me and (as a side note) there was also a neighbor girl who had died who's name was "Jennifer". I wonder if unconsciously my renaming myself Jenna was a running away from the burden of what I believed to be the story behind my name - this sense of sadness and loss and heaviness and deep emotion. And yet, talking more about it to my mom, while I wasn't named after this girl, she was a very spunky girl. While she was alive, she was full of life. And that, if anything, is what I should hold onto.

I feel like the meaning that the name "Jenna" has for me, God wants for me. I know He wants me to live in freedom, to trust Him and live beyond my fears. I know He wants me to open my heart and be authentic and love and live with passion. From death comes new life. I'm trying to move beyond the shadow of death that holds me back and keeps me stuck in so many different areas of my life. Knowing the true story behind my name is a good step in that direction. May I continue to grow more and more into my name. And add "spunky" to the list.

What's in a name?

2006-03-20T13:18:00.000-05:00

So some of you long-timers in my life might be wondering, who's this Jenna chick people keep talking about? Jenna who? You have forever known me as Jenny or Jen or Jennifer. It's one thing to get used to a name change when you get married but then you come along and say your name is Jenna now and call me Jenna now and I can't hear you unless you call me Jenna...

Well, here's the story behind my name change...

In grad school, I had a friend named Heather. She had decided she wanted to legally change her name as a way to make a new start and separate from the unhealthy family she had come from. So with a friend, she searched for a name she liked and came up with Hadley Maris. She went to court and got her name changed legally. Of course it was a bit of an adjustment at first for her friends and classmates and professors at school. And we'd slip every now and then and call her Heather. But soon it was like she had always been Hadley and sometimes I'd have to think real hard to remember what she had originally been named. And now, years later, it's like she's always been Hadley. So, I was talking to my friend Hadley around the time she had changed her name, and we got thinking about what I could change my name to... not legally and not just as a nickname but a name that would meaningfully and symbolically define who it was I wanted to be from that point on... a casting off of the old, a shedding of dead skin, a turning my face towards the future. She named me "Jenna" and I liked it instantly.

When I think about the name "Jenna" I think of a woman who is free-spirited. She is light-hearted and frivolous. She is fearless and confident. She loves and lives wildly from her heart. And I long to be that Jenna. I'm not there yet. But everytime someone calls me by my name, I am reminded who it is I truly am, beneath my fears, and who it is I'm hopefully becoming more and more every day. My dear friend Hadley, really and truly saw me that day, five years ago, when she said, "How about the name Jenna?" She saw who it is I'm meant to be; who I long to be. She saw a name I could grow into and become more and more as I grow and heal and trust and let go. It makes me eager and excited to hear what God's name will be for me. What will He call me?

How about you? What would you like to be renamed? What's a symbollic name you'd like to grow into? Or maybe you like your name. If so, what does your name say about you?

Job news

2006-03-03T16:53:00.000-05:00

So I have the possibility of a job as Website Maintenance/Research Assistant for a counselor and published author in Holland. It's only for 5-10 hours/week & I don't know yet how much money I'd make but if it's $15/hour or something like that, I'd be able to quit BN even though it's only 5-10 hours because I'd be making double what I'm making at the bookstore. Plus the hours would be so much better – daytime, weekdays - which would be awesome. Rob & I could finally be on the same work schedule rather than me working weekends & evenings when he's home. It's also a good thing because as a young counselor building our practice, it's always a good idea to know other counselors in the area. This particular counselor has been in practice for 15 years, just recently published a book & wants to cut back on his client hours in order to write more. So, who knows, maybe he'd pass clients on to me...

Also as a writer myself, who dreams of getting published, it could be very beneficial for me to work alongside someone who's already published & learn from him. It's all good. Well, except for one thing I'm struggling with. As I think about this job possibility, I feel I'm putting myself in a position again to be helping someone else create the job and life they want, rather than being able to put my time/energy into getting the career/life I want. I'm afraid I'd come to resent it. And yet this would definitely be a step in the right direction and much better for my sanity, my marriage, and my career than BN.

So, I'm trying not to sabotage this opportunity but instead to pursue it and see where it takes me...

2006-02-16T22:15:00.000-05:00

I had a medical massage on Tuesday. "Your back is in a state of trauma," she told me.
My back, I thought, how about my whole body!
She worked me over something fierce and I've been sick ever since. That's actually a good thing - the toxins are leaving my body. I'm trying to drink lots of water & stretch every day. That's helping me feel better. I know I'm going to feel worse before I will feel better. That's true for any recovery and healing process.

I am told to rest and I've been trying to. But I've been resisting it as well. I'm afraid I'll like it too much. I could get used to watching movies and reading all day. And I feel myself sliding down a slope of sadness. Maybe that's from the bodywork - God knows there's sadness trapped in my body and massage can stir that up for me. I'm trying to release it and not hold onto it. I get pretty greedy with my sadness and don't want to let go of it.

Sometimes I wonder, what has happened to me? I'm so far away from who I used to be. Is this because my dad died? I'm striving to get back parts of who I used to be and maybe, when I can let go of that, I can become more who I'm meant to be. Is this what life is - always wanting to be more or different or better? What about who I am right now - the good, the bad, and the ugly. What's so difficult about me facing "me" right now - not who I've been or who I one day hope to become but today, right now, me. Am I scared of her? Do I not like her? Am I holding her back?

Jessica Simpson

2006-02-08T14:11:00.000-05:00

So last night, I was watching E! True Hollywood Story on Jessica Simpson & her family. (I know, I know, I got sucked in.) It was quite fascinating actually. I look at where Jessica is now & her dreams and visions when she started and I wonder, what happened? I don't have to look much further than her Pimp Daddy manager. Maybe I'm being too harsh but in my opinion, Daddy Simpson is not a good man. I can't blame it all on him, I'm sure Hollywood played a big part in it but the man who is supposed to be protecting his daughters, seems way more invested in cashing in on his daughters no matter what the cost. Before Daddy Simpson realized his daughters were talented and beautiful & how much money they could make him, he was a Baptist youth minister. I guess the first clue as to what makes him tick is his marrying Mommy Simpson – who was one of the high schoolers in the youth group he was pastor over. I'm trying not to judge, I'm just letting the facts speak for themselves.

Okay so Mommy & Daddy Simpson realize early on that daughter Jessica has been given a gift from God – an amazing voice. And Jess wants to use this voice to sing gospel and bring people to Christ and be a role model to young girls about faith and abstinence. But as she's growing up and becomes 14 years old, the Christian artist community shames her. You can't be a Christian artist, they say, you're too sexy, your breasts are too big. Sorry sweetie, your body is getting in the way of people being able to worship. You're just too sexy for God... Today we look at Jessica Simpson and see the way she dresses, and I certainly wonder about how far she must have come with the choices she makes about her image, but let's not forget, at this point in her story, she's 14 years old! What does that say to a young girl about her body, about her beauty? I wonder how much that played a part in the woman she presents to the world today.

So Daddy Simpson has a grand idea; the Christian community won't accept my daughter so let's go to Hollywood! Now Jess is competing with Brittney Spears and Christina Aguiler, teen pop stars who take their dance moves from porn. And what I heard from Jessica on E! was that she didn't want people focused on her body, she wanted them paying attention to her voice. She was modest and uncomfortable being “sexy”. She was told she needed to lose weight and sex-up her look if she wanted to get anywhere in this business. And we hear this kind of story all the time – with models and actresses and singers thrown into the Hollywood scene. Doesn't that just go with the territory? “Hey, if you want to be famous you have to expect to give up a few things – your privacy, your love for fried chicken and donuts, your control over how the media represents you. But what you get in return – fame and worship and money and all the material things you could ever want equals happiness & makes all the other slight disadvantages worth it. We promise.” That's not my problem, even though I could write a whole other post about my beef with Hollywood. No, my problem is, where is Daddy Manager through all this? Why is this not only okay with him but encouraged by him? Jess did not want to be another Brittney Spears or Christina Aguiler. She didn't want to sell her body to sell a record. That was not who she was. But Daddy knows best I guess... if you can't beat them, join them. After all, “My daughter's got Double D's! You can't cover them up!” (I'm not making this up – this is what Pimp Daddy Simpson said in an interview in GQ). I'm sorry, is that the father speaking or the manager? How does that even make a difference? He is her father. And what father says that about his daughter?

I look at Jessica now & I feel sad. I look at her sexed-up videos, I look at the way she dresses, I look at her first movie role as Daisy Duke in the movie Dukes of Hazzard; I look at her in lingerie, jumping out of a cake for her husband's birthday bash. And I think, well, Hollywood stole another one. Another woman looking to Hollywood to tell them what a woman is and what she is worth. I wonder when she's gonna wake up from Hollywood's laughing gas. When's she going to fight back? Or, has she given up and given in? Is this all she feels she's worth, this body she has? That this is what's important, not her voice. Her voice has taken backstage to her body – the very thing she didn't want. Does she remember her original dreams? It's like she got sucked into Hollywood and her passion and heart and values got lost along the way.

Jessica was given the gift of uncommon beauty and an even more gorgeous singing voice. Why didn't the Christian community protect this rather than shame her? But I'm even more angry at her father for not protecting his daughter from being so sexualized. How dangerous the Hollywood bubble is. How easy it is for all of us to get sucked in to the lies.

Baby News

2006-01-30T18:33:00.000-05:00

Congrats to my sis & bro in laws, Tim & Mindy, who welcomed baby # 3 into this crazy world on Friday morning, January 27th. Sisters Alexa & Kirsten now have a brother - Michael Robert! Can't wait to meet you baby brown bear!

Seven months and counting...

2006-01-24T22:30:00.000-05:00

As I've been getting older, I've been struggling with not looking my age. I feel like I have to try extra hard to prove myself because I look so young. I haven't had a lot of confidence in my gifts because I feel like people get this first impression of me looking so young & they discount me (or I discount myself before they get a chance to). But I woke up yesterday morning and it hit me, I'm turning 30 in seven months. Something about that number 30 woke me up and I thought, What the hell am I doing with my life? I'm turning 30! 30 years old is not the little girl I so often feel like I am inside. 30 is so... adult. Goodbye 20's, goodbye "young adult", hello menopausal years... I'm not kidding... there's a story that goes with this... Yesterday I was working at the bookstore (yes, I am almost 30 and have the same job I had in college six years ago, yes, the $7/hour job I have with my Masters degree, yes, that does depress me...) anyway, so I'm at the bookstore, still stunned by the fact that I'm turning the big 3-0 in seven months. On my break, I start looking for books about turning 30. I find a few... "The complete guide to pregnancy after 30" (like that's too old to have a baby?), "Mid-life crisis at 30", and my favorite: "Swim naked, defy gravity, and other essential things you must do before you turn 30" (Why because after 30 you'll never get a chance to do any of those things, because your life goes downhill from there, because your life is pretty much over??). Then I found it: "The new menopausal years: ages 30-90."

The truth is, I know it's still seven months away but I'm excited to turn 30 (and a little scared). My little wake-up scare yesterday morning has been good for me. It's made me see myself more as I truly am - a fully grown woman. It has been a good motivation for me to create the life I want to be living by the time I'm 30 & if not to have "arrived" by the time I'm 30, to certainly be heading more in that direction than I have been.

Today was supposedly the most depressing day of the year - the day where there's been enough distance away from Christmas that we're now receiving all of our holiday bills & still midwinter where the weather is dreary, cold, & sunless for days on end. I'm not sure I exactly understand why it's supposed to be the worst day of the year today but I'm not going to let anyone tell me what kind of day I'm supposed to have. I actually had a really good day today. I'm excited about what the next 7 months could bring for me. Come on 30, bring it on. I'm not scared of you!

Can you hear me?

2006-01-17T22:27:00.000-05:00

I have been so irritable these last few days. I don't know what's going on with me. I actually yelled at my mom & my brother today. For anyone who knows me, this should come as a huge surprise... The crazy thing is, I didn't feel all that surprised afterwards. I opened my mouth & words came screaming out & then I was done. I didn't really have much of a response, which feels really strange for me since it was something SO out of the ordinary. I am not a yeller; I'm barely a talker. Though I'm very emotional, I rarely express those emotions. So to just open my mouth & scream is bizarre. I think I yelled something like, "You're not listening!!" I can't remember exactly. My mom & brother were both talking at the same time while I was in the middle of sharing a story and so, no, they weren't listening.

My brother actually said a pretty profound thing after I yelled. He said that I yelled because I must not feel heard. He was so right on. And I realized how much I haven't felt heard all my life. There's a “funny” family story about me from when I was a baby. I am the youngest in my family – by quite a bit. My sister is 6 years older than me, followed my two brothers who are 10 & 12 years older than me. My cousin also came to live with us for 5 years while I was growing up. She is also six years older than me. So growing up, with 5 of us kids around, it was a busy, noisy house. And I was usually in the center of it all, taking everything in.
So, as the story goes, when it all got too much around the dinner table and everyone was talking all at once, and no one was paying any attention to me (the baby in the high chair), I'd belt out a good long yell. Everyone stopped their conversations & directed their attention to me. Shortly after, I was satisfied and everyone went back to their conversations.

I've struggled with being heard all my life. A big part of it is my personality... I am quiet & introverted. I need to be drawn out. I enjoy a good conversation & I have a few people in my life who I share my true self with. But I also know I can be hidden and private. People say I'm a hard person to read. That surprises me. I feel like I'm always giving myself away – that people can see right through me. But I guess after years of trying to control & stuff my emotions (for fear that I'm “too much” or that I won't be handled well), along with a fear of letting others know how they affect me, well, I guess that could result in becoming a hard person for others to read.

So I've become comfortable in the distance, in the silence. I don't require, request, demand enough to be heard. Instead, I remain mute. I tend to talk quiet & so am usually spoken over. I want more areas in my life where I am heard. I need to make the space & the time for that.

This year, I want to...

2006-01-10T16:34:00.000-05:00

1. Drink more water
2. Get on a better sleep schedule
3. Listen to music more often during the day
4. Write every day
5. Exercise every/other day
6. Be a more committed/available/accessible friend to others
7. Face my fears of swimming (there's a mermaid inside of me just screaming to get out!)
8. Complete my counseling internship
9. Quit Barnes & Noble and work full time as a counselor
10. Live more from my desires than from my fears

Sabotage

2006-01-04T22:43:00.000-05:00

I'm driving along Highway 31. It's lunchtime & I'm hungry. I take the exit to my favorite restaurant & park, dreaming of what I will order inside. But something is holding me back & I can't get out of my car. A belt holds me to the seat. The doors are locked & won't let me out. I struggle a bit. Maybe someone will see me & come to my rescue. The smells beckon me. People sitting inside, laughing and talking and eating mock my struggle. All around me, people exit their cars with ease & stroll inside. What's their secret? Why is it so easy for them to get inside? I begin to worry, how long will I be trapped in this car? How will I get out? Won't someone open my door for me & unbuckle this belt holding me down? I'm locked in; I'm stuck; I'll be here forever & never get inside that restaurant. Hours go by & I do nothing but watch the people coming & going. Perhaps I fall asleep for awhile. Before I know it, night has fallen. The restaurant has emptied out. Where did the time go? I'm no longer hungry but sad and tired. Logic tells me, just reach over & unbuckle your seatbelt. Unlock the door & step out. But something stops me. Am I not hungry enough? Do I not genuinely want to eat? Do I not want to eat at this restaurant? But this is my favorite restaurant & my growling tummy tells me I'm hungry. And still, I sit in the parking lot, all day.

Happy New Year!

2006-01-02T12:14:00.000-05:00

I enter into 2006 hopeful about the coming year. I enter in with dreams and goals - for our counseling practice, for losing weight & exercising consistently, for getting on a better sleep schedule, for writing more, for completing an internship so I can pursue licensure, for permanantly moving on from Barnes & Noble & getting a counseling job, for growing in relationship with my husband, with family & friends, with God.

You are not safe, God, but You are Good. Help me to trust You for this coming year. Please protect & bless my loved ones with Your presence. I think of that scene in the Lion, the Witch, & the Wardrobe movie where the lion is walking down the beach, away from the party. And I'm little Lucy watching him leave & tears are streaming down my face because I feel abandoned & I don't understand why He can't stay, why He won't stay. I just want to be with Him. And I realize, those times I rebel against Him, those times I fight Him & turn my back on Him & doubt Him, it's because of all those times, I've had to watch Him (or others) walk away from me.

Most endings aren't safe - full of pain, sadness, regret, longing, loss, lack of closure. But in the midst of it all, He is good. I hold onto that. I want to understand more what that means this year.

May this be a year of creativity, growth & healing.

Quiet Season

2005-12-30T23:47:00.000-05:00

I'm entering into a quiet season. After a hectic holiday season, I'm longing for a slower pace; a haven of rest, solitude, creativity & introspection. I want to read and write. I want to listen to music & take walks in the snow. I want to connect with God, with myself & with others.

There's a sadness stuck in my throat. I've been swallowing it down for too long now. Deep waters rush within me. I need to dive in & swim down to the treasures below. I've been doggypaddling for too long now, not willing to dunk my head under & get my hair wet. But this quiet season, I take a deep breath & take the plunge.

New Blog

2005-12-25T22:18:00.000-05:00

Hello, my name is Jenna Lynne E. Deckert & I'm addicted to blogging. I have 3 blogs. Two personal blogs & a business blog. I'm not sure yet what the difference is between my two personal blogs... my new "writing" blog I created to keep me motivated to write & to give me a space to do that but then that's what this blog is all about too so I guess I just wanted to create another blog, ok. Deal!

Please visit me...

writingfrommyheart.blogspot.com

My Dear God (Santa) Letter

2005-12-23T23:07:00.000-05:00

This Sunday it's Your birthday. This Sunday we celebrate your birth, your story, your life. However, I'm sad to say, I have forgotten about You. Perhaps Santa was once supposed to represent You - Father Christmas who works miracles, who gives gifts; the big guy upstairs who lives up north who the kids who still believe pray to and write letters to, who comes in the middle of the night while we're sleeping so we don't ever get to see in the flesh or talk with the real one. But now, the Santa icon has taken over & You get lost. I forget that it's Your birthday & that You're the one who gets the gifts.

I guess I don't know how to celebrate You. I'm looking forward to our Christmas Eve service so I can remember You & worship You & celebrate You. Rob & I are making a new tradition on Your birthday of reading the story in the Bible of Your birth. I want to not only believe in You, I want You to be real to me. More real than the idols I worship in my life.

Why do I do the things I do for Christmas? Presents, decorations, Christmas trees, parties, a feast together with family & loved ones... Most of the world shuts down and takes the day off but not really with the intention to honor You. It's nice to have the day off but I want to be aware on Christmas of what I'm celebrating.

Will You spend Christmas Day with me & my family? I hear You RSVP: "The question is, will you?" You're like the gift left under the Christmas tree unopened & forgotten. A plain brown bag. You don't demand attention; You don't have shiny colorful wrapping paper & a big red bow wrapped around You. But You are the most important gift; You are the only gift. I believe; help me in my unbelief.

I enjoy the Christmas season. I don't think You have to be thrown out because of all the commercialization. Or that all the holiday traditions need to be thrown out in order to glorify You alone. I believe You are for giving, and beauty, and relationship, and celebrating and enjoying good food. I believe You are in that. But so often I forget that You are Christmas. You are with us, whether we set a place for You at the feast or not. Please come. There is not only room for You, the day is meant for You. May I remember You & celebrate You well.

Season of regret

2005-12-23T12:38:00.000-05:00

My husband gave me some hard but good words the other day. I've been faced with my selfishness lately. Money issues and finding work has been a big stress on our relationship our entire marriage. More of a stress on Rob than on me in many ways because I grew up with a Daddy who provided everything for me. Money was never an issue for me growing up. Even when I was out of the house he paid for my college & grad school education as well as provided me with a car, food, clothes, & rent-free housing. I worked as a teenager, mostly as a babysitter and at a health club. I worked throughout college and grad school as well - office jobs, nanny jobs, bookstore jobs. But I know I was lucky. It was very important to my dad to provide for his kids. He was a very giving man... perhaps to the point of taking away responsibility that should have been ours. My dad grew up very poor & perhaps that played into it. Providing for us financially was his way of giving us security and love. So, going into marriage, I unconsciously expected Rob to be my Sugar Daddy. Now, 2.5 years into marriage, I'm facing this. Rob was aware of this even before we married. I remember now, before Rob & I were married, Rob being worried about financial expectations I may put on him because of how I grew up. He worried that he wouldn't be able to be a good provider for me on a counselor's salary (or a coffee shop salary).
I grew up with a mom who never had to work outside of the home. She took odd jobs here & there but it wasn't out of financial necessity. My mom got great pleasure out of being a homemaker and a mom. She was able to be home with all of us kids when we were growing up & I'm grateful for that. She instilled in me the desire to stay home when we have kids. I look forward to the time when Rob & I have kids and I can be home with them. I am a homebody. I love our home; I love being at home. But I also can see how this can be safe, how this can become an escape. I don't want to have kids just so I can escape from working. I still plan on counseling when we have kids - perhaps evenings when Rob can be at home with the kids. I still hope to do speaking engagements & workshops. I still hope to write professionally. The problem is, I've been so focused on the future & planning for what's to come that I have neglected right now. And I know it's because right now is hard career-wise; right now is disappointing career-wise. It's not that I don't want to work. I just don't want to have to work where I don't want to (like the bookstore). I'm so protective of my time - and probably not in a good way. I want to be able to do our counseling practice solely & having to do anything else I resent. This has caused me to be unwise & selfish with my time right now. We don't have kids now & therefore now is a time of greater freedom that I need to be using my gifts & time towards building our counseling practice & earning money. Rob said, "I'm worried that you're going to look back on this time & see it as a season of regret." And he's right. I struggle with a lot of regrets from my past. I can't go back but I can do something about now to prevent future regret. I am convicted that I'm not using this time as I should... Because of my fears, because of my lack of trust & dependence on God, because of my stubborness, because of my selfishness, because of my poor time management I am not doing with my time & my life as I want to. Those were good words from my husband. I pray God continues to change my heart & my attitudes.

Poor Oliver

2005-12-12T18:28:00.000-05:00

Our poor kitten has been through way too much this past weekend & Rob and I are having a very hard time with it all. Ollie got in his first cat fight on Thursday night while we had some friends over. He snuck outside while we had the front door open & 10 minutes later I heard the worst cat noises imaginable. I ran outside but I didn't see Ollie or any other cat. I was very worried that Ollie was hurt so I grabbed a flash light & looked all over for him, calling for him while my friend Judy was shaking his box of kitty treats. After what seemed like an eternity, we finally gave up & started walking back towards the front door. Ollie came running from somewhere & ran into the house. He had poop on his head & all over his butt. He smelled awful. So I put him in the bathtub for a dreaded bath. Normally he goes limp when I give him a bath but this time he was furious (& in pain). He was hissing & crying. We managed to get through it, & later that night, he just wanted to be on my lap or me holding him. I was really worried about him because he seemed to be in pain & was not acting his usual perky self.

I didn't sleep much Thursday night. Ollie was on the bed with us but in the middle of the night he left (which is very unlike him - we usually have to be the ones to kick him out because he romping all over the bed at 3 a.m.). In the morning, Rob woke up first & went looking for our dear kitty. He was worried because he remembered hearing that cats go off alone when they're dying. He found him lying under the Christmas tree with very very sad eyes. All morning he barely moved & wasn't eating. When he did move, he was limping & whining. We made an appointment to take him to our vet, which we were late for because we had a horrible time trying to get him into his carrier.
The vet checked him over & said he was fine - no open wounds. He had just been through something really traumatic & was mad & probably really sore & bruised from the fight. He gave him some anti-inflammatory meds & some antibiotics.

We brought him home & he slept most of the day. By evening he was eating & even playing a little with my shoelaces. We were getting our Ollie back! It was so wonderful to have him back. We had been so scared that Ollie had gotten rabbies or that we'd have to put him under. He improved more & more over the weekend. Sunday I noticed when I was petting him that he had some bumps on his side. He was due to go back to the vet this afternoon for a rabbies shot. I was at work when Rob brought him in. I called Rob on my way home from work to see how the rabbies appt. went & Rob said, well, Ollie came out of surgery ok. What! Evidently, he didn't get his rabbies shot afterall. Instead, the dr. checked out the bumps & said they were teeth bites & they were bloody. He had two on his right side & one under his right front leg. They were open wounds so they had to put Ollie under, shave his hair on his side, insert a drain into his side & under his leg & sew him back up. They put a collar around his neck (a drape like a bib) so that he won't scratch off the drains or reopen his wounds. Well, needless to say, Ollie is very very unhappy. And so are Rob & I. He absolutely hates the collar. I don't think he can sleep comfortably with it and he can only lay on one side because of his wounds on his right side. We have to give him pain meds by mouth 2 times/day & we have to clean his wounds twice/day. Tonight, doing both was extremely hard. Afterwards, Ollie scooped half his kitty liter onto the floor next to his kitty liter box. I think he's mad at us.

So, this is how it's going to be for the next 4 days til we can bring him back to the vet on Friday & get his drains removed & his collar taken off. We're not sure who's looking forward to it more, us or Ollie. Poor Ollie. We feel so very sad for him. If God cares for the sparrows, surely he cares for our kitty. Please heal him God.

Tag, I'm it...

2005-12-06T16:13:00.000-05:00

The snow is really coming down now - big fat flakes. I love it. It's so beautiful. It's capturing my attention.

So my sister in law, Wendy, tagged me to play this game so here goes...

Seven things to do before I die

1. Have a baby (at least one)
2. Be a published author
3. Travel more
4. Seek forgiveness from the people I've wronged throughout my life
5. Make sure people in my life know how much I love them
6. Have a thriving counseling practice
7. Live more free from my heart

Seven things I cannot do

1.Be a morning person
2.Be an extrovert
3. Redo my past
4. Fall asleep as soon as I go to bed (my mind is also racing & it usually takes me hours to fall asleep)
5. Swim (I could stay afloat if I needed to but I don't know for how long)
6. All the gymnastics tricks I used to be able to do
7. Be without God

Seven things that attract me to my husband

1. His face
2. His kindness
3. How he cares for people so well
4. How he pursues my heart
5. How he makes me laugh
6. How he loves me as I am & encourages me to become more the person I want to be
7. How he believes in me

Seven things I say most often

1. I don't wanna get out of bed yet (pretty much I say this every morning & it usually comes out in a whine)
2. I love you
3. I need to exercise
4. What is wrong with me?
5. I'd rather be writing right now
6. Oliver! (usually yelling at my cat for some bad thing he's done)
7. I wish I had more clients

Seven Books I love
1. Blue Like Jazz (Donald Miller)
2. John Eldredge books
3. Dan Allender books
4. Harry Potter books
5. Passionate Marriage (David Schnarch)
6. The Velveteen Principles (Toni Raiten-D'Antonio)
7. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)

Seven Movies I’d watch (or have watched over and over again)
1. It’s a Wonderful life
2. Harry Potter movies
3. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
4. Anne of Green Gables
5. Legends of the Fall
6. A River Runs Through It
7. To Gillian On Her 37^th Birthday

Seven people who I want to join in
1. Rob
2. Judy
3. Jason
4. Tod
5. Dianne
6. Jean
7. Mom

Let it snow, Let it snow!

2005-11-16T12:06:00.000-05:00

First snowfall of the season! I love it! I was singing in the shower this morning I was so happy. Amazing what a little snowfall can do to my spirits! I work 2 to close tonight at the bookstore & I really don't mind it now that the snow is coming down. I remember really enjoying my shifts at the Holland bookstore when it would snow. Something about being in a cozy bookstore with a hot drink while the snow falls outside that puts customers in a jolly mood.

Welcome to winter!

At least I'm not a blockhead!

2005-11-14T21:18:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I took a little quiz & the results are in...

I am Schroeder!

Which Peanuts Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Anticipation

2005-11-09T17:57:00.000-05:00

I'm very excited about 2 movies coming to the big screen this month & next...

November 18 - Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire

December 9 - The Chronicles of Narnia - The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe

See ya at the movies :)

It's a girl!

2005-11-08T23:13:00.000-05:00

My sister Dianne, her husband Brad & their 2 sons, Timothy & Jonathan welcomed Anna Michelle to their family this morning. All 8 lbs, 2 ounces, 20'' of her. Evidently she's got lots of black hair
too :) Mom & baby are doing great. I will add a picture to my blog when I get some. Wish I could be there to hold her & breathe in that newborn smell :) It just can't get any more perfect, sacred & holy than that. I can't wait to meet you Anna Michelle!

Back to the bookstore

2005-11-02T23:50:00.000-05:00

So I'm back working at barnes & noble. Part-time temp work for the holidays. I start next Monday, Nov. 14 Will be good to be bringing in some more income.

I've been working out every other day for a week now. I'm really feeling good about it. Sometimes I even look forward to my workouts! I'm determined for this to last... this time.

Rob & I are painting our counseling office. We're sick of the dirty white walls. So we put a first coat on tonight & hope to finish the job on Saturday. It's a nice soothing color. I'm excited to be fixing up our office. Makes our business feel more real, more legit, more professional. We're praying every day that God will send us more clients. And I pray that God will help me to do the work He's called me to do. I love the counseling aspect of it but the marketing and networking I'm so bad at! Perhaps that's God's intention - it puts me in a place where I truly need Him, But still, I fight it and deny it and try to prove otherwise. {Sigh} Why do I fight against someone who's so FOR me?

Gender Identity Issues

2005-10-31T20:46:00.000-05:00

I hate shopping for clothes! Today, I spent the afternoon trying to use up a bunch of gift cards - usually a wonderful thing - however, today it left me depressed & feeling like I must have a very strange-shaped body because nothing fit! Finally, after trying 3 stores & no luck, my mood quickly declining, I stopped in one final store. Walking by the men's section, several items caught my eye & I thought, why can't women's clothes look like that? But I continued on to the women's section & after several trips, back & forth to the dressing room, trying on clothes, requesting different sizes, peeling the clothes off my strange-shaped body & throwing them to the ground, a heap at my feet, feeling more depressed & hopeless, I left the dressing room, again walked thru the men's section & this time stopped & thought, well, why can't I wear men's clothes? I grabbed a few & headed back to the dressing room. The men's pants fit great & most importantly, in men's sizes, I'm considered pretty tiny :) So, as far as pants go, I'm sticking to men's clothes... just call me John.

Day 1

2005-10-26T18:00:00.000-04:00

Day one of Operation Lose Weight... I drive to the Y, go to the locker room to change and realize, I forgot my running shoes. I have socks & my sandals. So much for running on the treadmill. Determined to get a workout, I still lift weights, in my socks, and head home to run around my neighborhood. Oh well, at least it was a beautiful day out. Next time, Jenna, remember the shoes! Talk about ambivalence!

Hollywood here I come!

2005-10-25T22:32:00.000-04:00

We starting watching Alias, season one, and aside from loving the show, it had an interesting effect on me... it made me want to lose weight. maybe because jennifer garner is in super shape, maybe because I wish I could do some of the kick-ass moves she does. But really now, when would I ever need to move like that? (It would be fun though) I don't think the CIA will be coming for me anytime soon. Guess I don't fit the right "profile"
So I don't need to look like Jennifer Garner (if I did right now I'd have to look very pregnant)
but I do want to lose some weight and get into better shape. I want to eat better & get into an exercise routine. We're heading into the worst possible season for this - cold weather, Halloween candy, holiday food, etc. But I've done it before, I can do it again. I have free membership at the Y afterall! No excuse!

So, guilty confession of the day... Last week, Rob & I got a HUGE bag of Halloween candy from Sam's Club... Halloween is still 6 days away and we've already eaten half the bag. SO NOT GOOD! Hope they'll be some left for the poor trick or treaters!

So anyway, now that I've blogged about it, maybe I'll really get serious about losing weight. I may not be Hollywood material but I sure could use a movie star's salary. Being rich and thin is the key to happiness, right?

Classic TV

2005-10-18T12:23:00.000-04:00

Rob & I haven't had tv since we moved into our house in April. It's so we can save some money and so we won't waste so much time watching tv. But I think I've been missing it lately b/c at night I lay in bed thinking about my favorite programs I watched as a kid.

Remember these?

The Wonder Years, Growing Pains, Family Ties, Who's The Boss, The Cosby Show, Cheers, Doogie Howser, MD. That was when those shows were on prime time. When I was sick & got to stay home from school, I loved watching I love Lucy, The Love Boat, Bewitched, The Andy Griffith Show, I dream of Jeannie, Leave it to Beaver. And after school I loved watching Knight Rider (what was the name of the talking car?), Magnum PI, My Two Dads, Silver Spoons, The Brady Bunch, Punky Brewster, The Jetsons, Inspector Gadget, My So Called Life, Hey Dude (on Nickelodeon - did anyone else watch that? I LOVED that show - taped every one of them. I must still have them somewhere. My brother & I would watch it together. He loved it too. I think he had a crush on that one girl - tall, brown hair with the tight jeans, Bradley. Well, I had a crush on Ted, who didn't? I cried (literally) when he left the show).

In high school the only soap I watched was General Hospital. I was SO into it. I hated missing it & when I had to, I'd tape it. In the evenings with my parents, we'd watch The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Bob NewHart Show, & Dick Van Dyke Show, The Twilight Zone. My parents loved those shows. I have really good memories of us watching them together. Friday nights, my bestfriend and I would have sleepovers at each other's house and Saturday mornings we'd watch Garfield & Friends & Saved by the Bell. There must have been other favorites we watched but I can't remember. Ahhh, the good ole days. Yet the cool thing is, most of those shows you can still find today - on TBS & TV Land channels...

Some fun TV memories from my childhood.

Ambivalence (a.k.a Half-Ass Syndrome)

2005-10-09T20:50:00.000-04:00

Every single thing about me is half-ass! My writing, my running, my counseling practice, my marriage, my friendships, my relationship with God, etc. etc. etc. I don't like commitment, I don't like putting my whole heart into something... I fear loss, failure, disappointment. I fear truly allowing another (others) to see me & know me. So I keep people at a distance, success at a distance, the chance to really make a difference and impact others at a distance. I keep the life I want to create & the person I want to become at a distance. Yuck! I don't like this about myself. I'm realizing just how much this ugly ambivalence is part of my life and just how long this has been going on. It affects every single part of my life... and probably started when i was in middle school (who knows, maybe I was an ambivalent baby, if that's possible...)

Several ways ambivalence plays out in my life:

1) I don't like to finish books that I start, especially books I love. I hate endings, from finishing books to the loss of relationships. If I quit before the book is over, I still have something to come back to whenever I want.

2) I have never finished a short story I've written. I'm constantly changing and editing until I'm sick to death of it & put it away in a box in my closet and start another writing project. At one time, I always have too many writing projects going at once. And I can never stick to just one of them. Initially I'm really excited about a new idea but when I try to put it down on paper and make it a reality, I lose interest quickly and move on... or stop writing.

3) It takes me forever to wear the new clothes I buy. (This drives Rob crazy!) I don't want to dirty them. I don't want arm pit stains or spaghetti sauce stains that never come out. I don't want to accidently throw them in the dryer and shrink them and then I can no longer wear them. They're safest in the closet; they look the best hanging in my closet with the price tag. (I know, what an awful waste of money this is! I do eventually wear them but sometimes months and months after I buy it.)

4) I desperately want to lose weight & exercise consistently. But I have a love-hate relationship with food, exercise & the gym... throw into that mess, issues with my body image and, need I say more? There's a lot there...

5) I'll probably be stuck in grief over the loss of my dad for the rest of my life if I continue in this ambivalence. I tip-toe around my grief, i jump over my grief, I walk away from my grief. Yet it's always there, within me. There was always a lot of ambivalence in my relationship with my dad. Perhaps that's where a lot of this comes from...

6) I'm lonely. And I say I want deep, authentic, rich friendships but as soon as relationships start moving in that direction, I distance myself. I push away. I isolate myself. The whole push-pull dynamic that describes so many of my friendships and romantic relationships throughout the years (not to mention relationship with God).

7) I long for Rob & I's private practice to be a success. But when it comes to taking the risks & putting in the time and energy to work towards making that a reality, I bail. Sure I'll put 50% into it (or less to be more realistic & honest). Then if it never flys, I can do something about it, I can pretend I have some control & do something about it. But, if I put my whole self into it, and it still fails... what then can I do? Then I'm completely out of control. Then I'm completely dependent on God. Not a comfortable place for me.

And that's what a lot of my life has come down to - personal comfort - in my marriage, in my relationships, in my work. Limit risk, limit heart involvement & therefore, limit loss and pain. And as a result, limit passion and joy and success.

This has been a huge discovery for me in the last couple weeks. I don't want fear to win over. I want to want more for my self and my life and my marriage and my career and my relationships. And I do. Desire and fear are battling it out in my heart. My hearts been at war for so many years now. But to move past ambivalence, I think it takes more than just wanting things to be different. And I'm not clear yet as to what else it's gonna take...

Back to work

2005-10-04T15:07:00.000-04:00

Well, I have to go back to work. Gonna try & work PT at the Muskegon Barnes & Noble. It doesn't make sense for me to go back to the Holland store. That's a waste of time & gas to drive all that way for part-time work. So, hopefully I'll be able to get into the Muskegon store.

I'm discouraged - like I'm having to take a step backwards. Our business just isn't growing fast enough & Rob hasn't been able to find a FT counseling job. So I'm sad but I also know that I'm being selfish & just need to suck it up & get a job... it's only part-time. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time. I just want to be counseling full time & doing anything else is discouraging. But Rob's been making a lot of sacrifices. He's not loving life working at the coffee shop. He's just as discouraged about not having a counseling job. So, I need a major attitude adjustment... & forgiveness... and a job.

Still haven't found what I'm looking for

2005-09-24T01:03:00.000-04:00

Something felt incomplete about my last post. It felt like those times where I have to write 2 or 3 pages of nothing before I can come to one true sentence. And I throw the rest out & start anew with that one sentence. However, in my previous post, I stopped before I got to that one sentence. The truth is, the truth I've been scared to admit, is that I was disappointed with the U2 concert. How could I have been disappointed? It was U2 live! My all-time favorite band! I paid big money & traveled several hours just to hear & see them sing afar for two and a half hours. Did I meet them? No. Do they know I exist? No. Does that matter? No.

So, yes, I was disappointed. I suppose I set myself up for it. I went into it searching for the spiritual experience I had at the U2 concert in Seattle. I had expectations of meeting up with God & dancing with Him in the aisles. But that was 4 years ago. A lot has happened in the last four years – in my life, in the lives of U2, in our world. 9/11 happened 5 months after the Seattle concert & the world hasn't been the same since. But God is the same right?

So I went to the Chicago concert longing for God & left disappointed because He didn't show up, at least not as I expected Him too. But looking back, I can say with confidence that He was there. I'm not sure where He was, that wasn't so obvious to me as it was in Seattle, but after the concert, as we were walking back to our hotel and drunk kids were stumbling and staggering in front of us, & we were praying we wouldn't have to see one of them walk into the street & get hit by a bus, I knew He was among us, among all of us, especially those who couldn't walk a straight line. So we walked back to our hotel, fell into bed & I can't remember when I've slept deeper. It's been a long time coming. And now, life is back to normal back home... it's 1 a.m. & I'm still “wide awake”...

U2 are spiritual figures for me. Bono is all about peace and unity & meeting the needs of the poor & sick. He's a voice for the hopeless when they have no voice. He's no Mother Theresa but who knows, maybe he would have been one of Jesus' disciples if he'd been alive when Jesus was. God has given him a gift & he's faithful to his call. Who knows, maybe he's a modern day prophet? Prophets were human weren't they – sinners like the rest of us? I don't have Bono on a pedestal; I just admire him greatly for his work, his faith & his spiritual journey. I admire that in all the band members. And, I know, the truth is, I don't really know any of them. But what I do know, I have great respect for.

So the real truth, one of those nugget sentences I never reached in my previous post, is that I'm longing for God. I went searching for him in Chicago & found Him after all. The experience made me long for God & yearn for Him to show up. It has made me take a look at my own life & work, and pray that God will make me faithful to the unique calling He has for me. So I'm grateful. Grateful to have longing for God. Grateful for the concert to have intensified that for me.

Sharing a room with U2

2005-09-21T21:04:00.000-04:00

... at the United Center Arena in Chicago, that is... Rob & I went with our friends Mike & Kelly last night. It was a sweet show! The first time I saw them was in Seattle during their last tour & that was definitely more of a life-changing experience than last night's concert (maybe b/c it was my first time) but, I'd say last night's concert was better. It wasn't as worshipful as it was in Seattle, it was definitely more political so it was a bit disappointing in that way but the songs they chose to play and Bono's singing was far better last night. The show was pretty laid back & slower-paced, even though they certainly rocked the crowd with their oldies but goodies. But they sang some more mellow songs too.
I couldn't believe when he started singing my absolute favorite song, "For the first time". Evidently, this was the first time (no pun intended) that they've played the song live in the US. What a treat! Rob & I actually played it during our communion at our wedding. Part of the lyrics go...

My father is a rich man
He wears a rich man's cloak
Gave me the keys to his kingdom coming
Gave me a cup of gold

He said I have many mansions
And there are many rooms to see
But I left by the back door
And I threw away the key

For the first time

I feel love

It's an awesome song. Anyway, last night Bono switched up the words a bit and sang that this time, he didn't throw away the key. Was pretty cool... like ten years later he can say that now... like we're getting a glimpse of his spiritual journey.

Bono also sang a song, Miss Sarajevo, from their Passengers CD. Pavarotti actually sings the chorus in Italian on the album but Bono sang it last night and nailed it! I was actually surprised how good Bono's voice was last night. He actually sounded better live than he does on their last album. After 20 years of singing, his voice has only gotten better. Definitely a gift from God.

Well, what can I say, it was an awesome time! I'm thankful we were able to go.

Dependent Personality Disorder

2005-09-16T18:15:00.000-04:00

I resist complete dependence on God. Is He trustworthy? Does He have my best interests at heart? He's wild & untamed but is He good? Rob & I have been talking about what it would mean to live our life in such a way that we're more dependent on God. If we believe God has called us to be counselors, then should we pursue this wholeheartedly, forsaking everything else? Should Rob quit the coffee shop (our only real source of income, apart from a few clients here & there) & go full time with me into building our practice? Would God then show up & provide for us? And yet we're supposed to be responsible as well... we need to pay our bills, we need health insurance, etc. etc. etc. This is where we get stuck. How do we be "responsibly dependent"?

We don't risk enough in our lives, in our careers, in our relationships. We don't put ourselves in circumstances where we will not be able to go on without God. We're not on our knees because we've built our life so that we don't need to be. And that scares me. I don't want to have to lose everything (or anything for that matter) for me to "need" God.

We need wisdom in this area. Any thoughts?

prayer

2005-09-16T13:31:00.000-04:00

We're reading this book about prayer for our church called Fresh Wind Fresh Fire by Jim Cymbala. Last night we met with our small group to talk about the first few chapters. It seems I'm not the only one who struggles with prayer and that was a comfort to hear. Issues of trust, desire, guilt keep us from having the kind of prayer life we want to have. One of the group members asked what our definition of prayer was and in my head, my first response was, I define prayer as talking to God. But then as other people responded to their definitions of prayer, I thought, no, I want my definition to be a conversation with God. I want to listen more to him speak into my life and my heart. I long to hear from him. I've realized that I tend to avoid it for 2 reasons: 1) b/c of the pain of only experiencing silence & emptiness when I do try to listen, and 2) I fear the intimacy of Him actually talking to me. Will I hold on to my desire for that kind of relationship with God more than my fears of it? At least for today?

I'm also reading this other book called Leaving the Saints. It's about a woman who was sexually abused in the Mormon church and her journey to leave the Mormons in order to rediscover her faith in God. She wrote about prayer and how she was learning how much it's more about listening rather than demanding. In a beautiful section she writes about what she feels that God was saying to her during a particularly difficult time... she writes that God was telling her, "I am here. Always. I am always right here... The one place you can find me is the one place you have been afraid to go: your own heart. It will not be easy for you to go there. I will be here. Always. I will always be right here."

Reading that was comforting to me.

When there are discussions of prayer, the word "discipline" usually comes up. I cringe at the word, discipline. It keeps me away from prayer because it sounds like something you have to do rather than want to do. And wouldn't I want someone to talk to me and spend time with me b/c they want to rather than because they have to for one reason or another? I wonder if God feels that way too. He wants us to come to him because we want to, not because we're told we have to pray every morning for this amount of time, or we have to pray each time before we eat & if we don't God's going to choke us with the food we eat. Do I really believe God wants me to fear him more than desire him?

Another group member brought up the idea that Jesus must have longed to talk to God while he was on earth; it wasn't about him being disciplined to pray but being connected to his Father. Can you imagine the conversations they must have had... Dad, you won't believe what happened today... God, I was so angry when this happened... Father, this is too hard, please help me...

I so long to have that kind of relationship with God... like how excited I am to tell my husband the details of my day, like when I miss him when we're apart for too long. Why don't I have that with God? I guess I can't have that when I'm avoiding my own heart.

Running with God

2005-09-12T22:12:00.000-04:00

I've been running on the beach in the evenings this last week. It's such an amazing experience. Sometimes I'll lace up just on time to run into the sunset. Other times the moon is bright above, lighting my path along the shore. My favorite beach time is at night. It's so peaceful & quiet. I feel God at the beach. Not just know he's with me but actually feel his presence. That's such a rare blessing for me. I want to linger with him after my runs; sit with him on the sand; watch the waves roll in; take off my sandy shoes and socks to feel the cool water on my tired & sore feet. His presence is so strong with me those times - it's such a comfort, such a rare & raw experience.

Apart from God, I also have a new running buddy, something I've been praying for for some time now. And not just a running buddy but she's become a good friend as well. It's so good for my heart and my soul. I feel very grateful tonight.

Labor Day Weekend

2005-09-06T00:23:00.000-04:00

We just returned from spending Labor Day Weekend with some friends in Chicago. We were blessed with beautiful weather, good food, rest, fun, and a closeness to God that is rare & rich when it happens. I experienced this through staring into the face and holding in my arms their adorable 3-month old baby girl.

On the way home, we drove thru Wheaton, Ill - one of my old haunts. I lived there for several months with my oldest brother and his family when I was 19 years old. It's been 10 years since I've been back & driving through, I felt a mix of longing and sadness and joy. Probably in reminescence of what I felt while I was living there. Living there was a haven for me, as if the losses and demands and pain of life could be put on hold for a time. At the time, my brother & his wife only had their first daughter & she was just a year old. What a delight, a soothing for my heart & soul she was, to hold her and hug her and play with her and watch over her as she slept. We bonded... a strong bond that continues between us today as she enters into middle school.
But it also was a sad time in my life. Back in Maryland, where I decided to get away from for awhile, my relationship with my first boyfriend was painfully slipping away from me & no matter how much I tried to grasp it or grip onto it, I was losing hold. The loss of that relationship was a defining time in my life. And today, ten years later, driving through Wheaton, I realized, there's still parts of my heart that need to let go and say goodbye. There's still grief there for me to enter into.

I know this is true regarding my dad as well. He died over 3 years ago and I haven't said goodbye. I haven't let him go. There is no set timetable for grief. You ride its waves; waves that wash over you; waves you hope won't hold you under and drown you.
Driving through Wheaton, I felt the desire to dive deeper & swim further than I have these last 10 years.

Happy Birthday to me!

2005-08-21T00:21:00.000-04:00

Today is my 29th birthday. One more year and I'm the big 3-0! I don't know why that feels so significant to me but it does. The end of my 20's... Geez, I still feel like such a child in so many ways. Turning 29 makes me realize how much I'm not a little girl anymore but a woman! Why has it taken me so long to see that. I guess it's been easier to resist seeing that. It feels safer to be a girl. There's so much packed in that word, "woman". I'm still trying to understand what that word means for me.

Birthdays are always reflection times for me. Reflecting back and hoping for the coming year. This year I divide my life into 3 parts: Maryland, Seattle, & Michigan. Maryland was my childhood, my past. And while I can't go back, it's still with me today. I long for redemption and restoration of certain relationships and of my heart that sometimes feels like it's still back there - holding on to something that I haven't been able to let go of yet...

I look back on my time in Seattle, and see how much those years were about digging up the soil of my heart and my life to plant new seeds. Deep roots that I couldn't see at the time. I just felt the pain of growth and change. But today, there's this glorious garden that's growing beauty and color and life where there were only weeds before.

Michigan, the present. Here my dad is buried. Here I was married on the beach. Here, today, I will be baptized in Lake MI. And to me, being baptized is about a new start. A re-dedication of my life and my heart. A meaningful moment to mark, to set apart, from all other moments, days, birthdays. An entering the water as a girl and re-emerging as the woman, the butterfly, the wild flower, the untamed natural beauty God has created me to be. With a crowd of witnesses around me, to remind me when I forget.

Summer of hope

2005-06-14T21:39:00.000-04:00

Two more days & I’m a free woman! No more working every Saturday & Sunday, no more work schedule that changes weekly, no more minimum wage, no more commuting an hour five days/week, no more smiling sweetly even when customers are insulting & rude, no more shelving porn, no more working 40 hours/week on my feet, pushing heavy carts and carrying boxes full of magazines. Yep, you guessed it, I put in my 2 weeks notice at B&N & I have 2 more days left. I’m investing full time into Rob & I’s counseling practice, Sacred Space Counseling. I’ll be spending my time marketing, networking, advertising, running groups & workshops, writing & hopefully taking on new clients. I’m still on the lookout for a counseling job in an agency or school as well but my main focus will be on building our practice. I feel so blessed that we can do this. And who knows what will come of it. We’re doing it on a trial basis for the summer. If come fall, nothing has come of it, I’m back to B&N or some other job. But we’re praying that God will bless this time and the future of our practice.

I really need this break. I need time to rest, to exercise, to connect with myself & with others. I look forward to going to church on a regular basis, getting connected again with our Life Group, hanging out with friends & family. Building & strengthening friendships has gone to the wayside and I can really feel the lack of that in my life. I hope the end of B&N will be a stress-reliever for me. It’s not like the job itself was incredibly stressful. It was just the fact that after awhile, I didn’t want to be there. I felt held back. I felt stuck. I felt frustrated. I felt unhappy. I felt like the things that are important to me had to be pushed on the backburner & for what? B&N? Well, no, for the money, for the insurance. I wasn’t working there for nothing. There were some great perks – the discount, staying up with the latest book, music & movie releases, the free mags. I will miss those things. And there are a couple people that I’d like to stay in touch with from the store after I leave. But it was stressful for me to be in a place where I wasn’t able to make steps towards my future and my dreams. I feel really blessed that we can do this now. I know it's an incredible priviledge & I hope what I do with this time will honor that. I’m excited to see what God’s going to do.

Remember me?

2005-05-09T20:00:00.000-04:00

It's hard to start up again after being gone for so long but here goes... I won't backtrack about my life since November, I will begin with today... Today I am tired. I've been tired all weekend actually for some reason. A bit frustrating to be tired on my weekend off but it was a good weekend anyway. It was extremely hard going back to work this morning. This month should actually not be too bad of a month work-wise (besides the fact that I STILL work at B&N!) 3 out of the 4 weekends this month I requested off due to going out of town & having family visiting. You gotta love when the store manager begrudgedly gives you permission than when you return from your first weekend off proceeds to ask you details of what you did during your time off & then for the rest of the shift, hassles you everytime he sees you about all the time off you've requested that month. Just another reason I need out! I'm a caged animal there & if I don't get out sometime SOON, I'm gonna bite the manager's head off & eat it for my 30 minute lunch break. Good thing I'm not a carnivore...
I feel stuck there. Actually in thinking about it, I feel stuck in many areas of my life...
But for tonight, I'm done working for the day. It stays lighter til later in the evening these days, there's a cool breeze coming in my window after a humid day & it smells & feels like rain. So tonight, I will breathe in those gifts of life & recommit to writing on my blog more consistently. Til next time...

I have a website!

2004-11-08T19:35:00.000-05:00

Rob & I finally have our website up & running for our counseling practice!
You can find us at www.sacredspacecounseling.com Check us out & let us know what you think. We're really excited about it and hope it'll bring us some more clients. We've both been feeling bummed about being in the jobs we're at - not that B&N and the coffee shop aren't fine jobs, because they are. We just know that we want to counsel & believe that to be one of our callings in life. God, You've given us these gifts & desires... what now will You do? Bring it on God! (I think another one of my callings is to tour with U2 this coming spring... we'll see what comes of that. Heads up about the best band ever in case you haven't heard yet, they have a new album coming out in a few weeks. I'm very excited & so look forward to seeing them in concert again. I saw them in Seattle & it was one of the best experiences of my life! They've had a ton of articles written about them lately due to their soon to be new album coming out & as Newslady at B&N, I've been eating them up! I will never grow tired of them. I am sad to say I've grown tired of another one of my favorite bands - The Cure. They served a purpose in my life years ago when I was needing that kind of music but I listened to their latest album once & I was done.)
Ok, that's all for now. I don't think anyone reads this anymore anyway but it's good to get back to writing.
Peace out ---

Rain Clouds

2004-10-31T18:04:00.000-05:00

All around me is loss & grief & shattered lives. I am stunned & shocked & muted by it all. It's been a struggle to find words for the past couple months now & that's been hard. Writing is such a passion of mine; it's such an outlet for me. Why has it been such a struggle lately? I feel numb... disconnected from myself. In Kafka's words, I need an axe to cut open the frozen sea within me. In the past, when I've felt distant from myself, I would write or go for a run & I'd feel better. But I haven't been able to do either for some time now & I miss it. I miss filling pages and pages effortlessly. I miss running miles & miles effortlessly. When I can't write & I can't run, I feel like my life is not my own, my time is not my own. And there it is... must it always come back to the "C" word? Control. I have a love/hate relationship with you... I love to feel in control and hate when I don't. With all this pain going on in the lives of friends and family and strangers, I'm reminded of how out of control I really am. Not something I like to think about very often. It scares me to death. And so I grab & grasp, but when I open my fists, there's only air. And yes, let's make a full circle... now it comes back to the "G" word... "I believe, help my disbelief." How am I to trust when He's not safe? What does it mean that He's good? It doesn't feel good. And yet, He has a grip on me and I can't let go. I can't not believe though I've tried. I normally feel lighter & more free after I write. Tonight, my heart feels more heavy.

I'm back... I hope

2004-10-16T12:59:00.000-04:00

It's been two months since I've written. I'm now in the full swing of fall. And with this season comes cooler temperatures, breezy & rainy days, bold-colored leaves littering the base of nearly bare trees, the comfort of hot drinks & warm comforters. Driving to Holland for work I pass fields of pumpkins next to roadside fruit stands selling cider & bushels of apples. Driving home I pass a campground smelling of bonfires.

"These are a few of my fav-or-ite things."

But with this season also brings great loss and sadness for a lot of people. My heart cries with accusations to God of "Why?" & "How could you?" & "Why didn't you protect or heal or raise the dead?" In seasons like this, when there's so much turmoil going on in the hearts and lives of friends and family, I see an image of God restraining himself. Restraining himself when he knows he has to let go and see his children suffer and hurt. Restraining himself while His son is beaten and hung to die on a cross. We are meaning-seeking people. There must be a reason, a purpose. He sees the greater jigsaw puzzle, while we're left with missing pieces. I can't see it right now and I just don't understand. So my heart aches. And God, is both restraining & embracing.

Entering Holy Ground - taking off my shoes

2004-08-17T19:27:00.000-04:00

I got a call for my first client yesterday! I am so very excited as this chapter is finally beginning to unfold! There's much for me to do to get ready... Dan Qualls, the director of Tri-cities Ministries in downtown Grand Haven, is letting Rob & I use his office so we have a place to see our clients (Rob got a client last week as well!) What an amazing blessing that is with how it all came together in such good timing. Now I just need to get my paperwork together & find a supervisor! I know it will all come together though & while I'm nervous to get back to counseling after a 10 month break, I'm so excited & feel so thankful to have this opportunity to be in such holy & sacred places with people; to talk about matters of the heart & body & soul & to be a witness to their entering & to their resistance to entering into their hearts & stories deeper. Rob & I's goal is to each have 5 clients by the end of 2004... We're on our way.

I'm meeting with an art therapist next week. Another therapist who I've been networking with told me about her. I'd love to have creativity & the process of art be an integral part of the counseling I do & I look forward to meeting & talking with her about how I can do that. I have on my business cards that I do "art therapy workshops". What's that you say? I'm not sure yet. I have some ideas swirling around in my head though & that would be most fun to put something like that together. I should probably try it out on friends & family first... anyone interested?

I'm off for a walk with my dear husband to get some ice cream to celebrate this new beginning!

Another day, another dollar

2004-08-09T21:25:00.000-04:00

Very tired tonight... I was in work at 8 a.m. this morning. I actually enjoyed it though. Apart from not being used to getting up at 6:30 a.m. I like the shift. It's nice having a couple hours in the store to catch up on work before the customers arrive. I'm liking it more & more at B&N. My promo has turned out to really be a good thing. It's fun to "own" the newstand & be able to use my creativity in revamping & organizing it. And my managers have told me how pleased they are with my work so that always feels good!
One of the huge benefits of the Lead Newstand Seller position is that I get to take home whatever old magazines I want (after I remove the cover of course). I've been taking all of last month's writer mags & it's been great inspiration reading thru them. I really hope that come this fall, I can get on a writing schedule for myself & get into a writer's group. I want to get serious about my writing & get my stuff out there... even if that means publishing online. I used to think I'd never pursue that b/c it didn't feel as legit but it is legit & it's a good place to start building up a portfolio. I'm also wanting to get serious about advertising for clients this fall. I need to get myself out there & known! I got myself some business cards for Rob & I's Sacred Space Counseling. And, the director of Tri-cities Ministries here in Grand Haven said he has office space for us to see clients so there's really no excuse now... it's a scary step but I really do want my desires to counsel to outweigh my fears.
It's still early August but I'm getting excited for fall. Fall is my favorite season & I anticipate experiencing a Michigan fall. I'd love to take a drive up north come October. I hear it's gorgeous there that time of year. I just feel nostalgic about the fall season. It's a fresh start. It's a new beginning. It's an adjustment I'm eager for.
I'm feeling better emotionally these days. Not sure why. Some days I wake up feeling blah & other days I don't. I certainly appreciate & enjoy the good days when they come. Alright, I'm gonna sign off & get to bed soon. Gotta wake up at 6:30 again tomorrow. Oh & Bono if you're reading this, call me! We have to catch up! Sweet dreams...

Certified Happy Person

2004-08-04T00:44:00.000-04:00

All that education & I still need more. Is there a course I can take on becoming happy? I'd like to get certified. Wouldn't that be cool at the end of my name: Jenna Lynne Deckert, M.A., H.A.P.P.Y
But seriously, I'm so sick of being depressed! I want to be carefree and merry, damn it! My husband told me this morning that he thought I'd be happier now that we moved to Michigan... I thought I'd be happier too. Will I be when I have a counseling job? When I'm more connected into community here? When my writing gets published? Perhaps. I'm sure that will greatly help. But what if this is who I am? What if this is how God created me & it's good! Aggg! There's such an intensity & heaviness about me that I wish I could shed every now & then. I want to be more playful & less controlled - in all aspects of my life. I want to be flippant & lighthearted. Wow, that sounds redemptive. What a meaningful word that is for me: lighthearted. How amazing that would feel! How does one become lighthearted? What will it take for me to get there, no matter how fleeting it may be? There's so much inside of me - such a depth within my heart & soul & body - that feels so heavy & dark. I don't know how to grieve once & for all & let go & move on & Live & Love fully & wholeheartedly. There's so many deep crevices & mysterious labyrinths within me. So much of my past keeps me from moving forward into the kind of freedom I desire. It's been over two years since my dad died & it feels as though he is buried alive within me. And while I long to be experienced by others as being full of life & energetic & lighthearted, in so many ways, these days, I feel like I just go thru the motions. In many ways, I feel buried alive.
No certification? Well, how about a happy pill?

Summertime Flu

2004-08-01T16:37:00.000-04:00

Rob got the dreaded flu Friday night. It made for a very unhappy night & much lack of sleep for both of us. This was the first time I was ever graced with the sounds of my husband's stomach turning inside out & I'm ashamed to say I had to cover my ears. It was a horrible sound & I just couldn't take it. Call me weak, call me a bad wife. I don't know how my mom spent all those years when I was growing up, holding my hair back when I was sick. I wish I could be that nurturing & comforting & hopefully when I have kids it'll be different & I'll be able to do that but Friday night, I just wasn't there. I did, however, go into the bathroom after the puking stopped to make sure my dear husband was ok & to see if I could do anything for him. I do love him afterall, but I admit, there are limits.
Apart from Rob's appendix surgery 2 months after we were married, Rob just hasn't been sick during the 3 years I've known him. (Believe me, I'm seeing this as a blessing). I don't like when he's sick. I don't like those feelings of helplessness & worthlessness as I'm lying in bed at 1 a.m. & 4 a.m. & 6 a.m. & my husband is making horrible noises in the bathroom. Now I know what he's gone through all those times I've had a migraine & I've had my head in the toilet. Up to this point, Rob has seemingly had an invincible immune system. Perhaps there were little men inside of him warding off germs & viruses with shields & swords. But now that we've moved to Michigan, these little guys are taking too many skinny dips in Lake Michigan, and abandoning their armour on the beach in Rob's time of need.

Rob woke up feeling better today but then we took a trip to the grocery store & that sent him straight back to bed. However, there's Shark Week Marathon on Discovery channel today so he's not doing too bad.
I've managed to escape the flu so far. We'll see how long that lasts. Hopefully my mom will escape it as well. And again, thank you Mom for all those times when I was sick & you brought me cold washcloths & held my hair back as I puked. I hope one day I can live up to that with my family.

Speaking of illness & healing, please send up some prayers for our friends Mike & Kelly who just moved back to Grand Rapids from Seattle. Mike had his appendix out on Friday. Kelly just started her new position as Resident Director at Calvin College the same day as his surgery so please pray for both of them as they're adjusting to Kelly's new job & living on campus, Mike's pain from his surgery, missing friends back in Seattle, Mike looking for a counseling job, etc. Thanks! And Mike & Kelly, we're so glad you're here & can't wait to hang out with you again. Hope you feel better soon Mike!
Happy Birthday to my brother-in-law Tim. Hope you're having a great day!
I'm gonna head downstairs & watch some Shark Week with my hubby. Hope you all are healthy & enjoying this first of August! Twenty days til my birthday! Woo Hoo!! :)

New blogger

2004-08-01T13:37:00.000-04:00

createahome
My sister-in-law started a blog! She's such a creative & beautiful writer! Check it out! It's a very enjoyable read.

2004-07-27T21:45:00.000-04:00

Fighting with my God

2004-07-27T21:42:00.000-04:00

"There's a hunger in my heart I will never give away" - Joseph Arthur

I want to be a girl at play!

2004-07-27T16:38:00.000-04:00

Here's an inspirational website to look through for all those who want to pursue their dreams (don't worry, it's not a girls only club)
www.girlatplay.com

therapy is to artichoke as your heart is to a labyrinth

2004-07-27T16:18:00.000-04:00

http://www.valtate.com/
This expressive arts therapist has nailed it on the head! Wish I had come up with it! That certainly would be a business card that got attention!! Well, I will honor her creativity by changing the name of my blog. Isn't there an old wise saying, "If one did not, per se, come up with a catchy phrase by him or herself, but finds it to be true to who he or she is within their core, one may in good conscience, use it for their own personal advantage."

Feedback

2004-07-27T14:37:00.000-04:00

Thanks to all of you who visit my shores here on "Artichoke". The waves are washing away your presence from my beach though. Please leave some footprints behind cuz I love hearing from you!

Moving up in the world

2004-07-27T13:41:00.000-04:00

I've been promoted! I'm now Lead Newstand Seller at B&N. It's full time, a $1 raise, a good benefits package, & I'll be working less nights/weekends (woo hoo!). B&N has the largest newstand in Holland & 70% of our sales are from the newstand so it's definitely more responsibility. When the district manager comes to the store to "check up on us" he goes straight to the newstand & to the kids section to see how we're doing. So there's some pressure there but it should definitely be a more interesting position than standing behind the customer service booth for 8 hour shifts. I actually feel pretty honored because supposedly there were others that were interested in the position (also from within) but the manager wanted to offer it to me first. It surprises me because I'm the newest one working there but I'm grateful too because Rob & I really need good benefits. It's been too long since we've gone to the dentist & Rob was telling me just the other day that his back tooth is hurting & he's known for quite awhile that he needs to get his wisdom teeth out. Plus, there's always the stress of a possible unplanned pregnancy with the kind of crummy benefits we have now that doesn't cover pregnancy, labor/delivery, etc... So all & all, it's a good move for our family. I know that's true & I am excited about the position but I have some concerns too...

What does this mean for my dreams to counsel? Does this mean that needs to be put on hold right now & if that's true, why? I don't understand. I went through all that schooling & more importantly, I have such passion & certainty that I want to be a therapist. It doesn't make sense. I'm feeling the pressure of getting into the counseling field & getting some years of experience under my belt before Rob & I have kids. It feels like that keeps getting pushed back & how much more will that be put on hold when we have kids? I want to be at home with our kids but I also want to counsel some evenings or other times when Rob or other family can be at home. I know I'm speaking about unborn children but we definitely hope it's in God's plan for us to have kids in a few years & I know that will drastically change every part of our life. Now seems to be the prime time to get counseling experience only it's not happening.
Today's my day off & I had planned on pursuing some counseling jobs & making some phone call to agencies in the area but now that I'm taking this Lead position at B&N I feel like what's the point? I need to take this job b/c we need the benefits.

Another thing I've been thinking about with this newstand job is the irony of it all. I'm going to be in charge of organizing & displaying the very images of so many of these magazines that I'm so against. (Sorry about the soapbox but here I go...) And it's not just all the varieties of pornography that B&N sells, which I'm certainly intensely against, but it's the majority of all the other magazines with scantily clad women on the covers & throughout the magazines no matter what they're selling. I'm not necessarily upset with those in the marketing departments that are using images of women to sell anything & everything. Ok, well, they do sicken me but the truth is they're in the business of sales & only giving us what we as a society ask for, seek out & encourage by the # of sales we make a day/week/month, etc. That's what saddens me. These airbrushed images is what our culture/society deems is beautiful & sexy & perfection. And I fall into it. I hate what power it has over me & how I feel about myself & my body. I hate how much power it has in my relationships with both men & women. How damaging it is to not only young girls & young boys but all women & men. We're all affected. We're all set up for disappointment & failure & unrealistic expectations because of this system. This is not ok with me! And yet, I'm in charge/responsible for the largest newstand in Holland.

What if, as a company, B&N took a stand against selling pornography in their newstands? They'd never do it, they make too much money off it. The magazines can only be sold if they're still in their wrapper & you'd be surprised (or maybe you wouldn't be) at how many we throw away because they've been removed from wrapper & taken to a secluded spot in the store (too often to the kids section). It makes me sick to think that as a corporation, we'd never stop selling it. How can this be about money when so much of our souls & minds & bodies are at stake? And why stop at pornographic magazines? How about all the romance novels that so many women are addicted to & as such can have so much to do with escapism, fears of intimacy, & unrealistic portrayals of men & women, relationships & sex? And have you checked out some of the bookcovers in the teen section? It's maddening the images young women are called to live up to. And yes, I know that as Christians, we aren't supposed to be affected by these things. We're to be in the world but not of it. But I'm affected just by being in the world. I'm affected by walking down the street, going to the beach, working at B&N, by all the unsolicited, unwelcome, unwanted junk mail in my email inbox, etc., etc., etc. I could go on & on but I won't. This has turned out to be a really long post. Thanks for "listening". I guess I'm just wondering, can one woman, at one newstand in Holland, Michigan ever truly make a difference? It feels like a modern day David & Goliath story.
One last really cool thing... B&N carries the Mars Hill Review in their newstand! How random & how wonderful!! I was so excited to find out it's growing in its circulation! You can check out the website here... (www.marshillreview.com) to read more about it or come on into the store to read the latest issue. I always love to see a familiar face at work! Ok, no more, I have to end this post!!

Deflated tires & garage sale clothes

2004-07-20T15:36:00.000-04:00

I got a letter from Hope College today. It's been over a month since I applied for their Counseling Center therapist position. No matter how much I tried to follow up, I never was able to get very far in standing out from all the other hundreds of applicants. So anyway, the letter said exactly as I expected it to, "thanks for your interest, blah blah blah, we've decided to go with another applicant, blah blah blah". With each rejection & each struggle to get into the counseling field, I feel more & more deflated. Why does it have to be this hard? Why isn't there a place for me when I know I have so much to offer? When will someone give me a chance?

It’s ok at Barnes & Nobles but I’m feeling restless. This can’t be all there is for me. How depressed I would be if I had nothing more to look forward to then this. I feel so discontent, so incomplete, so held back at such a job as this. I have my M.A. in counseling & I’m working at the same job I worked at in Maryland 5 years ago. It doesn’t feel right. I want more. I want to counsel. I have so much more to offer than answering phones & finding books for customers. BN is another safety net for me. Yes, it’s good for me to be making money – even though it is only $6.50/hour. And it’s the best (& only) retail job I’d want to work at. But come on – I have my Masters & I’m working minimum wage! It’s actually not about the money. I’m thankful to be making some $ after a long dry spell of not being able to find any work. It’s more about what this kind of job is doing to my spirit, my creativity & the very livelihood of my heart. It feels like a deadening job to me. I want a job that makes me feel alive & is an outpouring of my creativity. I want to be able to use my gifts & grow & be challenged. I don’t want to just go thru the motions. I want to be in holy & sacred places with people – in their story, in their pain & struggle, in their growth & in their healing. I want to be involved in research & writing. God has created & developed within me gifts & passions & desires. They’re put on hold at BN. I’ve quickly grown bored at BN. But I’m not going to quit. I need a FT job to move into before I leave BN (don’t get nervous, Rob). I do think it’s important for me to take notice of how I’m feeling though & the effect this job is having on me. I’m not meant to work at BN for the rest of my life. If I enjoyed it, there’d be no reason for me to move on.

Something that both Rob & I struggle with is moving into scary unknown places & it seems to be particularly revealing in the career arenas of our life. We’re not risking much at our present jobs. It’s easy to put our dream jobs on the backburner for something to pursue later. But I don’t want to wait until later (who knows when that will be). I know if a counseling position opened up for Rob he’d jump on it & say goodbye to the Java without a 2nd thought. But it’s just not happening for either of us so far. Do we need more courage, more trust, more leaps of faith, more utter dependence on God, more scary, risky steps into the unknown? Something has to push us out of our comfort zones. This is not the life I want to live. Life is so short & we only get one go at it. I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting time or missing out. I don’t want to be so hidden & unknown & “put on the shelf”.
I feel like those clothes hanging in my closet that I can’t fit into anymore.

Ghosts

2004-07-20T13:40:00.000-04:00

A fact of life: people come & go in our lives. But do they ever really leave us? Sure, we may not be in touch for years; we may never see them again, but are they still with us? On our hearts, in our thoughts, locked within our bodies? What will it take to set them free, to set ourselves free? Do certain people stay with us despite an active present relationship because the relationship had no clear-cut ending or a lack of closure? Because it's still left undone despite years of disconnect? If you were given the opportunity to connect with people that are in your life no more, but were once an important part of your life, would you? What would you say that you always wished you could say? What if we could clear up the regrets we have in our life. What if we were blessed by someone in our past giving us their gift of forgiveness? What if we were more free to move into our present relationships with more authenticity and courage and vulnerability because we finally found closure from past relationships & past wounds that hold us back?

Perhaps God puts people on our mind and in our heart for a reason. Why are there people from my past, people I haven't been in touch with for 5 or 10 years, who I can't get out of my mind? And why today & yesterday and this past week have they so consummed my thoughts? I can't know for sure until I move forward and connect with these people. But how scary is that! How vulnerable that makes me feel. I don't know the response I'll get & I can't control that. That's the key word - control. The very thing I so need to let go of in so many aspects of my life.

Do people do this? Do they just call someone from their past out of the blue one day to say I'm sorry or how are you or I don't know why I'm calling but you've been on my mind? And if God has put these people on my mind for a particular reason, why couldn't He have put ME on the minds of these people so THEY would be the ones to make the first step? That would be so much easier! But I'm not necessarily called to what's easy. I need out of my comfort zones. It feels so dangerous but I know it could lead to great healing and freedom.

The beauty of reality

2004-07-08T13:50:00.000-04:00

I found this on a website, written by a Dave Winer. Whoever you are, thank you for your words. I need to read this every day to remind myself...

About beauty in women

I had a flash of insight on a flight from Boston to Seattle last week on American Airlines. I picked up the inflight magazine and leafed through it. It had been a while since I had done that, as its been a while since I watched television. This time I noticed how incredibly polished all the pictures are, how devoid of humanity. In contrast to the pictures you see on weblogs, they are so perfect, but so lifeless. Then I considered the writing. It also is perfectly polished and totally soul-less. Now according to some these are the most beautiful photographs and writing, but to me they are the least beautiful.

I like photos taken by people with weblogs. I like weblog writing, rough and rambly, even angry and reckless. See, I think people expressing themselves honestly is where beauty comes from. We all need love, to be heard, appreciated, admired, cared for, but so few of us accept that we're entitled to it. We see our imperfections and want to erase them. But when I see an imperfection, I see something real, and to me that's beautiful. I'm not just saying that, I didn't feel that way when I was 24, but now that I'm 48, that's what's inside me. I don't love women for the attributes that the inflight magazines idealize, quite the opposite. I find the airbrushed, silicon-corrected bodies to be worse than ugly, they suck life out of all they come in contact with. Beauty is in the reality, in the expression of reality.

I don't really know why some women like to dress up, wear clothes that call attention to themselves, say silly things that I don't understand, spend hours getting ready to go out, cleaning everything and then cleaning again. I like that kind of stuff, but it kind of scares me. In a way I wish women were more like men. But on the other hand, I'm glad that they're not.

But please -- why does it bother so many women that some women like to be feminine, that this way of expressing themselves is threatening to them? They seem to confuse their girlishness with the idealized form of beauty. Hey, the women I love aren't like that. But get this, they aren't men either. They're different. And dammit I'm glad they are because that leaves me room to be who I am, a hairy guy with a big laugh. They can make more money than me, they can be smarter than me, and at the same time they can wear high heels and perfume and go out with their friends, and laugh a lot and watch Legally Blonde and think that's pretty good stuff. I watched The Godfather and felt that way. And we can go see Casablanca together and think that's it's great that there's more than one way to be, and feel safe that it's great to be who we are and nothing more and nothing less.

So many people need to hear this. The inflight magazine view of the world is a lie. Nothing is like that. Don't measure yourself against that. And do what you enjoy, and what you can do, and then and only then will you be beautiful. And don't worry so much about the little things, even the ones that seem really big. The things you think are imperfect are the things that make you so pretty.

Working girl

2004-07-01T12:34:00.000-04:00

Finally! I got a job! I started at Barnes & Noble on Tuesday. So far the people I work with are great & it seems to be a fun place to work. Now that I have a job & am bringing in some income Rob & I can dream about the kind of counseling business we want & begin plugging away at making that a reality. Today we registered our counseling business name -- Sacred Space Counseling -- along with Rob's photography business -- Broken Glory Pictures. Now we're legit. That was easy. Now the hard part -- getting the word out that we're counselors & getting some clients...

Rob & I are celebrating our anniversary on Saturday. Not sure what we're doing... Rob has planned a surprise for me. I'm so blessed to have him as my hubby! I look forward to spending Saturday with him. I'm doing better about the whole no-longer-a-bride blues. I think it had to do more with feeling like I didn't have much going on in my life... didn't have a job, missing friends that are far away & not feeling as connected to people here as I'd like to. I know it takes time but it's been hard. Getting the BN job lifted my spirits greatly.

I'm excited about what God has in store for me & for Rob & I. I dream big & have so many passions and desires & directions I want to go in but right now nothing is clear. I feel like time isa-wasting & I want to get this party started but who knows what's around the corner for us.

My nieces & nephew have arrived to do a lemonade stand... It's a hot one today. Summer has arrived. Stop by if you can. Cassidy makes a mean chocolate chip cookie & the lemonade is freshly squeezed.

Surprised by grief

2004-06-28T11:48:00.000-04:00

Last year at this time, it was the day before my wedding & my 8 year old niece Cassidy & I were scrambling around in the pouring rain getting my nails & hair done for the rehearsal dinner. By this time, Rob had gone over to the cottage where we were getting married to make sure the tent was up to find there was no tent to be found. When he called the tent company, they said, some guys had arrived to put up the tent but then left because it was raining too hard. Um... that's exactly why we need the tent! But as the rehearsal hour arrived, the tent was up & the rain had stopped. The sun came out & all my girls had arrived from Tennessee, Ohio, Seattle & Maryland and it was so great to see them & have them all with me! (I sure miss you girls!!)
But I'm jumping ahead, it's only noon & right now Cass & I are driving around Holland, in the rain, unable to find the place where I have my nail appointment.
Last night I had a dream about my wedding... or I should say a nightmare. It was my wedding day but Rob & I had been fighting, I was totally out in the open without any privacy where all the guests could see me (a no-no for the bride. Who wants to be a bride without a grand entrance?) And, I couldn't fit into my dress anymore so I had nothing to wear & none of my girls were around to help me. Plus, all the pictures had already been taken & I wasn't in any of them. I woke up very sad & haven't been able to shake the feeling since.
As I write about my dream I'm realizing what I'm going through. I had no idea I was going to feel like this upon my one year anniversary but I believe I'm grieving. Today, on the eve of my one year anniversary, I am missing my bridal party girls & I'm missing my dad. While I was sad last year that he wasn't alive for my wedding day, I felt really good about all the things I did during the wedding ceremony to remember him. But today...I'm feeling it more today.
Last night I asked Rob if he'd take me to a ball so I could wear a gown again. When he said he didn't know of any I told him he had one day to pull one together on time for the anniversary. Yes, folks, I think what we have here is a grieving bride of yesteryear. It's enough to drive me to chocolate chip cookies & Doritoes.